Scorned by Aimee Parrott & Antonio Gangemi - Short, Horror - A high school misfit is crucified for expressing her feelings toward an out-of-her-league jock.  Just as the dust is about to settle, she undergoes a transformation. (Horror, 11 pages, pdf) - pdf, format

Link broken.

Link fixed.

So, uh, yeah. . .where to start?
Is she a succubus? Does she have a 'monster's ring?'

I enjoyed the scene where she passes the note and everybody laughs at her. Although I would have laughed at her in real life, aaaand you probably would have too. She just seems so lame as a person that it feels natural to ridicule her, although she IS good as a character. Except for the whole transforming into a succubus (which it sounds like she was).

See, the thing is, I don't understand the point behind this story? How is she being prevented from achieving her goal? Sure, her goal is Geoff, but nothing stops her from killing him. If that was her intent maybe you should have put some obstacles in her way to his murder.

Goal + Obstacles + Overcoming = Plot.

   Usually, I would say that the dialogue is a bit too cheesy and unreal, even for people in junior high, let alone high school.  But now having a sister that age, I understand that's how high schoolers do talk these days.  (God, what are teachers in English class doing anymore?)  So I can't say that the dialogue sounds too contrived.

   As for the story, personally, supernatural elements aren't my cup of tea, but I guess it's descent for what the story is.  (Although I wouldn't mind if it had gotten a little bit more into the 'supernatural erotic thriller' category.)

   I also think that maybe, it should've gotten a little bit more into her father's past, and maybe it would've explained how Lily's transformation happened and that it just didn't suddenly come out of nowhere.

   -  Mark