The Documentary Killers by Phil Clarke Jr. (dogglebe) - Short - A mockumentary of a news show segment, reporting on the disappearance of a young film student. 19 pages - pdf, format

This is an excellent and gripping read, it really captures the feel of the news shows that it is pretending to be.

Silvers dialog is a bit forced sounding and a little on the cliched/corny side, but then he is probably reading from an autocue and that is how most news readers sound anyway.  The only problem I had with him is that he seemed unable to make up his mind whether the show was called "Hard Facts" or "Hard Copy".

Similarly Gina sounded like an average on the scene reporter and interviewer.  Her questions about David's life, school and friends are the kind that we hear asked all the time when kids and young adults go missing. Like Silvers, because they were obviously doing their job and attempting to remain impartial it was hard to really understand their characters, apart from being reporters I discovered nothing about them that will enable me to comment on them any further,

The way the story was presented and unfolded was very well thought up, the way it was written as people saying what they know in interviews, coupled with dramatizations to emphasize certain things was very well crafted. However the idea of film students going to the next level for their work is nothing really new, ok so he was a teacher not a student, but the film Urban Legends 2 comes to mind, with the teacher killing his students so he can claim credit for his work.

Not really sure about the ending tho. I guess the blue thing sticking out of the ground was part of David's clothes or something, but personally I would have preferred if the story and ended with Silvers moving on to the Iraq segment. That would make Gina's statement about David either being discovered dead as they fear, or alive and well even more of an impact because we would be left guessing which it will be.

Now before anyone says anything I know I have not mentioned formatting of the script...but this is Phil (dogglebe) we are talking about, he knows how to format a script so why bother commenting on it.

So apart from the inconsistency of the main shows name

Quoted Text INT. TELEVISION SCREEN The dynamic logo for the television show HARD FACTS flashes on the screen, accompanied by a few bars of DRAMATIC MUSIC. SILVERS (V.O.) Tonight on Hard Facts-- ... SILVERS Good evening. I’m Joel Silvers. And this is Hard Copy.

I give this script   / 5

As well written as always Phil, though I'll be honest, I'm struggling to see the point of this script.

There doesn't seem to be a "target" for the mockumentary. The Pugumentary one worked very well because it was a sharp and comical look at a type of people we all know and recognise.

This is a lot more dry. It's not an attack on Modern Art as such because it delves too much into the mystery side of things and I don't really see another angle.

It just seems like a reasonably realistic story told in an obviously fake setting.

I think I must have missed something.

Quoted from Darren Silvers dialog is a bit forced sounding and a little on the cliched/corny side, but then he is probably reading from an autocue and that is how most news readers sound anyway.  The only problem I had with him is that he seemed unable to make up his mind whether the show was called "Hard Facts" or "Hard Copy".

I purposely made the dialogue a bit forced as I was going for how they really talk on these news programs.  They're usually edited to the point where all you get is forced, on-the-nose dialogue.

I have to fix the problem with the name of the show, though...

Quoted from Darren Similarly Gina sounded like an average on the scene reporter and interviewer.  Her questions about David's life, school and friends are the kind that we hear asked all the time when kids and young adults go missing. Like Silvers, because they were obviously doing their job and attempting to remain impartial it was hard to really understand their characters, apart from being reporters I discovered nothing about them that will enable me to comment on them any further,

Gina and Silvers are there just to report the story.  Their roles are just to be informative.  I wasn't trying to get into their lives or personalities.

Quoted from Darren The way the story was presented and unfolded was very well thought up, the way it was written as people saying what they know in interviews, coupled with dramatizations to emphasize certain things was very well crafted. However the idea of film students going to the next level for their work is nothing really new, ok so he was a teacher not a student, but the film Urban Legends 2 comes to mind, with the teacher killing his students so he can claim credit for his work.

I didn't see UL2, just a lot of Geraldo, which is what I used as a template.  I wrote this to be factual and not sensational.

Quoted from Darren Not really sure about the ending tho. I guess the blue thing sticking out of the ground was part of David's clothes or something, but personally I would have preferred if the story and ended with Silvers moving on to the Iraq segment. That would make Gina's statement about David either being discovered dead as they fear, or alive and well even more of an impact because we would be left guessing which it will be.

The blue thing was a tarp that they used to wrap the mannequins.  As to whether or not it was David, this was something I left open.

Quoted from decadencefilms@37.com As well written as always Phil, though I'll be honest, I'm struggling to see the point of this script. There doesn't seem to be a "target" for the mockumentary. The Pugumentary one worked very well because it was a sharp and comical look at a type of people we all know and recognise.

Calling it a 'mockumentary' was a default thing.  Unlike Pug-umentary, this was not a comedy.  I just didn't know what to call it.

Quoted from decadencefilms@37.com This is a lot more dry. It's not an attack on Modern Art as such because it delves too much into the mystery side of things and I don't really see another angle. It just seems like a reasonably realistic story told in an obviously fake setting. I think I must have missed something.

I don't know if you have such shows in England but, in the USA, we're flooded with them.  The show goes for sensationalism while, at the same time, pretends it's all journalistic professionalism.

Thanks for the reads, guys.


Phil

Naturally well-written and good format, but unfortunately I found the script as a whole to be a pretty big let-down.

Like Rick was saying, what was the point? Where's the fresh angle? These kinds of shows have been lampooned, mocked, satirized to hell and back, and what you did here was like a joke without a punchline. Basically you wrote a segment FOR Hard Copy, not ABOUT Hard Copy.

There has to be some kind of revelation in the end, call it a 'twist' if you will. The scripts as is right now, is journalistic sensationalism, business as usual. We've all seen it before and we know how it operates. So I think the script needs an event that turns things around in the end, that makes the preceeding Hard Copy segment  appear in a new light. Flips the story.

Working with these framed stories (A story within a story) you have a wonderful opportunity to comment on reality and manipulation of same. Is what we see real, and when are we watching a re-enactment and when is it real?

I think if you took the script in this direction it would be much more interesting, and would seem less like a writing exercise and more like a fresh script.

It did made me want to re-watch "To Die For" though.

I liked this for its simplicity, it was exactly what it was trying to be.  There were no clever twists that meant you had to reread the entire thing over and over to try and understand how it all fit together.

Hey Junior,

I read it and I thought it was well developed as usual. I saw that you have the control of the writing, showing us a pretty good doc tv show. Other thing that you did well was building its characters so real like all we use to see on tv. Sometime I thing these people are unreal or are they real?

One good work here.

I thought this one was spot on.

Drama, drama and more drama then sensationolize (i can't spell that word, sorry) it until the audience can't help but want to watch. Hyping and overplaying, is it news or entertainment? The lines get blurred these days. You turn on a "respectable" news channel and you get 2 minutes about the immigration bill and 20 minutes of Paris Hilton. Wtf? Sorry about the rant..

I loved the Breiss family. Something we would do too.

Perfect how you had the people interviewed saying all positive things about him. That's so typical too. Whenever someone is missing or murdered everyone always say that person was the nicest, the most well liked, the most beautiful, the most promising... and on and on. You never hear anyone say "You know, I never really liked that guy. Always thought he was an a**hole", but no, it's always the amazing people that s*** happens to. (I better clean up my language, never used to talk like this)

I thought inserting the comercials was a good touch, but wondered if you couldn't have chosen different ones to be a little more clever.

Image FREEZES on his smile. Excellent little touch. Shows how they try to manipulate us into thinking or suspecting certain things when in reality there might not be anything. The power of the media.  

I have to say that this script is a perfect example of a shooting script without actually mentioning the camera. It really is broken up into clear shots and therefore is easy to visualize.

The ending was a little weak in my opinion. What if David and his friends were making a documentary about these types of news/entertainment shows and they staged this whole thing to show the ridiclousness of them. Just a thought...

I also would have liked to see a little more dark humor in it. Not to make it a comedy, just a little something here and there FEPO.

If you get mockumentary at NYCMM and the subject being news shows, all you have to do is make a few fixes to this one and you're done.

Quoted from Death Monkey Naturally well-written and good format, but unfortunately I found the script as a whole to be a pretty big let-down. Like Rick was saying, what was the point? Where's the fresh angle? These kinds of shows have been lampooned, mocked, satirized to hell and back, and what you did here was like a joke without a punchline. Basically you wrote a segment FOR Hard Copy, not ABOUT Hard Copy.

I wasn't trying to mock these shows.  My intention was to create such a show.  As I said, earlier, this isn't a mockumentary.  I don't know if there is a more accurate word.  Fauxumentary, perhaps?

Quoted from Death Monkey There has to be some kind of revelation in the end, call it a 'twist' if you will. The scripts as is right now, is journalistic sensationalism, business as usual. We've all seen it before and we know how it operates. So I think the script needs an event that turns things around in the end, that makes the preceeding Hard Copy segment  appear in a new light. Flips the story.

I thought the dialogue between the male and female, at the end, was a nice twist.  Did anyone get that?

Working with these framed stories (A story within a story) you have a wonderful opportunity to comment on reality and manipulation of same. Is what we see real, and when are we watching a re-enactment and when is it real?[/quote]

I'm not looking to make a statement.  I'm trying to write a realistic story.  That's all (I think I said this already).

Quoted from Helio I read it and I thought it was well developed as usual. I saw that you have the control of the writing, showing us a pretty good doc tv show. Other thing that you did well was building its characters so real like all we use to see on tv. Sometime I thing these people are unreal or are they real?

The problem with these shows is that they compress hours of footage into a handful of soundbites.  Unless you're a mother bawling out loud about your missing baby, you only get a few seconds.

I don't know if these tabloid shows are any different in other countries.  Hopefully, they're similar enough.



Phil

Quoted from dogglebe I wasn't trying to mock these shows.  My intention was to create such a show.  As I said, earlier, this isn't a mockumentary.  I don't know if there is a more accurate word.  Fauxumentary, perhaps? I thought the dialogue between the male and female, at the end, was a nice twist.  Did anyone get that? Quoted Text Working with these framed stories (A story within a story) you have a wonderful opportunity to comment on reality and manipulation of same. Is what we see real, and when are we watching a re-enactment and when is it real? I'm not looking to make a statement.  I'm trying to write a realistic story.  That's all (I think I said this already). Phil

So what was the point exactly?

I didn't get the final conversation so that might be why, but this read like an exercise. A transcript of a Hard Copy story. You say you wanted to write a realistic story, and that you did, but there was no resolution and no point (unless I missed it). It's hardly a story, really.

I'm sorry, I'm just struggling to understand why would you want to write an imitation segment if you don't want to make a comment or statement on anything. I can turn on the TV any time of the day get the real deal...

And diffusing reality and unreality, or staged reality, doesn't necessarily have to be a statement, it can simply be a cinematic device that makes the narrative more interesting.

I guess we misunderstood you then.  

Just pretend you did intend it as a mockumentary and soak up the praise.  

Quoted from Death Monkey So what was the point exactly?

"Candy doesn't have to have a point.  That's why it's candy."  Charlie Bucket.

I don't understand your need to have a point in every script.  I like to write; that's my point.  With the exception of Pug-umentary , none of my scripts have any real points, outside of entertaining others.  There's no statements.  No targets.  No comments.

Reread the final conversation.  The twist is there.

Quoted from tomson I thought this one was spot on. I thought inserting the comercials was a good touch, but wondered if you couldn't have chosen different ones to be a little more clever.

Thanks you.

What commercials would you have chosen?  I didn't want to pick anything that might imply jokes.

Quoted from tomson Image FREEZES on his smile. Excellent little touch. Shows how they try to manipulate us into thinking or suspecting certain things when in reality there might not be anything. The power of the media.

Oh yeah....

Quoted from tomson I have to say that this script is a perfect example of a shooting script without actually mentioning the camera. It really is broken up into clear shots and therefore is easy to visualize. The ending was a little weak in my opinion. What if David and his friends were making a documentary about these types of news/entertainment shows and they staged this whole thing to show the ridiclousness of them. Just a thought...

Your ending theory, IMHO, is way out there, Pia.  Interesting, though.  Can't picture David participating in such a stunt.  He's a nice boy.

Quoted from tomson If you get mockumentary at NYCMM and the subject being news shows, all you have to do is make a few fixes to this one and you're done.

I don't think you're allowed to use pre-written scripts for NYCMM.  I do have another mockumentary in my head.  We'll see what happens.

Thanks for the reads.


Phil

Quoted from dogglebe "Candy doesn't have to have a point.  That's why it's candy."  Charlie Bucket. I don't understand your need to have a point in every script.  I like to write; that's my point.  With the exception of Pug-umentary , none of my scripts have any real points, outside of entertaining others.  There's no statements.  No targets.  No comments. Reread the final conversation.  The twist is there.

Ugh, I hate when people quote Charlie and the Chocolate Factory .

I think you misunderstand. By having a point I don't mean a statement or a comment or anything like that. Entertaining others is what we all want, that's a given, but a story needs to go somewhere to be entertaining, at least to me it does. Indiana Jones has a point. Star Wars has a point. It has dramatic purpose. It has a drive. And it has resolution. When someone asks you what it's about, you'll have a ready answer.

I don't know what this was about. Like I said, it felt like a transcription of something you saw on TV. You nailed the style of these shows, but there was no resolution. It only reiterated its logline "A mockumentary of a news show segment, reporting on the disappearance of a young film student", it never delved deeper into the story.

Now, I re-read the final conversation and I still don't see the twist, so maybe once I get that I'll see the script in a new light.

Anyway, I'll leave you alone now.

Hey Phil,

This was well written and it kept my interest for the most part. Technically it's all good, nothing to fault you on in terms of craft. You captured the style of this kind of show perfectly. It felt real.

I was expecting a comedy/parody and by the time I reached page 5 I realized I was going to end up disappointed. What you have here is a fairly well formed mystery but it lacks a satisfying conclusion. I think the concept is solid - i like the central idea of the film students hiding bodies and getting hooked on the adrenaline of it - but I think the way you decided to tell the story through a tabloid tv format just doesn't do the concept justice.

This story could be far more dramatic if it was told from the perspective of the film students, or even through their footage alone ala blair witch. The tv show aspect cheapens the idea in my opinion.

As for your comments about the script not needing a point, I think you're just being facetious

I've heard you say that before in response to my comments on Bad Penguin. I think the point is you're experimenting in different styles of screenwriting and I think that's a good thing, even if it doesn't always work. If you set out to write a trashy tv piece, you succeeded. But I reckon the concept is better than the format in this case.

I liked certain parts of the script a lot, but others left me dissapointed. Thought the story would have worked better without the Hard Copy scenario, the idea is unique.

It still would have stood on its own if it were told through the students point of view, especially since David's morals conflict with the others as the story goes on.
The part of the Hard Copy story that worked well for me was on pg. 11 when you moved from the shelter to Silver's "dog's and cats" line.  Also liked the little bit with the claymation dinosaur.