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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Dead Walk Tonight Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Dead Walk Tonight  (currently 5015 views)
Don
Posted: June 15th, 2007, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Dead Walk Tonight by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Horror, Action, Drama - After NASA sends a missile to destroy an asteroid destined to collide with Earth, things only get worse as the fragments cause damage all over the planet. For Blake Rasor, his time runs out as his plane is hit by one of the fragments and crash lands onto an island. To make things worse, the radiation from the missile carried by the fragments brings the dead back to life. Now we focus on a group of people trapped in the forest, and another group trapped in the city, and the hell they have to go through to survive. 139 pages - pdf, format


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Zombie Sean
Posted: June 16th, 2007, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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Hey everyone,

When writing this script, I was really trying to focus on character development rather than blood, guts, and hardcore zombie action like we see in most zombie movies now these days (Resident Evil, etc.)...so it starts off slow so you get to know the characters, and then things begin to pick up.

I won't be replying to anyone who reviews this script until probably around June 25 or 26 because right now I'm in England with my family (ugh) and I will have no access to a computer whatsoever. So I hope you guys enjoy my script and I want to thank Don for getting it up ever so quickly.

Sean


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Martin
Posted: June 25th, 2007, 1:13pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean,

I had a bit of time on my lunch break today and I saw that no one had reviewed this yet so I thought I'd take a quick look. It's a long one and I don't have time to read the whole thing but I'll give you my thoughts on the first fifteen pages or so and maybe some of my comments will apply to other parts of the script as well.

First off, your writing is technically pretty sound. Format's spot on and the dialogue to action ratio is good.

I like the opening. While it's kind of familiar, I think it works quiet well in setting the situation for this kind of story.

The problem I had throughout the first fifteen relates to your characters, their dialogue, and how you handle the exposition.

I can see what you're trying to do here. You want us to get to know these people and their relationships before the plot fully kicks in. The problem is that it's too static. A lot of the time you're telling us who these people are instead of showing us. The result is that your dialogue is quite on the nose and the plot doesn't really get going because your spending so long dwelling on small talk between the characters. I used to be the same way myself, but you need to condense your scenes, arrive late depart early and get the plot moving quicker. A lot of the character info you're telling us upfront could be woven into the action of the main plot.

The scene with Sydney and Blake is almost four pages long. Look at what we learn in this scene: It's Blake's birthday, he has a dinner date with his wife, he's going on a four day trip to San Salvador, and he's going to spend the afternoon drinking with Jeff, Sydney doesn't like him drinking.

That's a lot of exposition crammed into one scene. Much of it is simply telling the audience what's going to happen next so I'd question whether it needs to be there at all. I reckon you could cut this scene down to a page and still introduce these characters effectively.

In the scene with Jeff at the bar you spend almost 4 pages repeating a lot of the same information again: dinner date with his wife, she doesn't want him to get drunk, he's going to San Salvador, Jeff works in a clothes store, he's single and useless with women due to his childish jokes. We know all this already, so the small talk teaches us nothing new about the characters.

As for the dialogue in general, some of it doesn't ring true to me and I don't think it's necessarily a failing in your writing, but the fact that you're quite young. Jeff and Blake discussing women sound like high school kids discussing prom dates. Sydney and Blake don't sound much like a married couple, what with all the talk of dates, and Jeff's comment "will tonight be the big night?" prompted me to go back and check if they actually are husband and wife. It's hard to write adult characters well when you're still young yourself. It takes some life experience to figure out how these people act. Maybe you should focus on younger characters, late teens, college kids. Write what you know.

Well, that's as far as I got with this one. I hope my comments are helpful and not too harsh. I think your writing shows a lot of promise. The foundation is there, you just need to condense your scenes a lot more and get to the action quicker. Remember, characters are defined by what they do more than what they say. Actions speak louder than words.

Good luck and keep writing.
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Zombie Sean
Posted: June 26th, 2007, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Hey Martin,

I see what your saying about how in every scene with Blake, Sydney, and Jeff, they're basically just repeating everything. I'll try and clean that up. Also with the whole thing about how it sounds like Jeff and Blake are discussing love problems for Jeff like teens talking about a prom date. It's just that I don't want it all to be just teenagers and have it end up as a teen slasher, if a zombie movie counts as one. I just don't know how I can explain what these characters are like through actions and not dialogue. Like, how can I make Jeff look so anxious on getting a girlfriend without having him tell Blake that he's that desperate?

But thanks for reading the first 15 pages, and, no, your comments weren't too harsh.

Sean


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masaro
Posted: June 29th, 2007, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Im sorry but I didn't like this script.  I'm no professional critique but I only read half way through and found myself not wanting to continue.  perhaps the second half was better!  I just felt that as comments already made above, there was alot of irrelevant dialogue which prolonged the story.  I see what your saying about wanting to develop your characters which I agree with, however there needs to be some kind of action.  something to keep the audience hooked and ultimately make them feel there is journey they are following.

On a positive note yours was the first scrip I chose to read which means I liked the idea.  perhaps it was just a little too far fetched?  Also I felt that perhaps something more original could happen, rather than the dead turning in to zombies?

Sorry if my comments have been unhelpful.  I have submitted 3 scripts to this site entitled "NINJA".  I dont know when they will be placed on this site but please feel free to read them and leave any critisism you might have.

All the best,

Matt.
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: July 1st, 2007, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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The fact I've had a similar premise roaming' in my head peaked my interests on this. But when I saw that "136pages", I thought NOT...

You're such an active member to the site & forum I figure you've definitely earned the benefit of the doubt. So I'll take a look.


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 1st, 2007, 6:44pm Report to Moderator
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Masaro:

Once I get to the rewrite, I'll cut down majorly on the dialogue. I see what everyone is talking about and that's the first thing I'm going to do.

Busy Little Bee:

I've written a script similar to this premise, but that was before I knew how to write scripts so it was terrible. So I started with a clean slate and redid it. Don't let the massive dialogue get in the way if it's not too much trouble, I plan on cutting that down.

Sean


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: July 2nd, 2007, 5:25am Report to Moderator
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Well, what the hell--I'll take a look at it too.

You seem to be kind of a zombie junkie or something so I'm expecting this to do justice to the genre. I thought your older script was a fun ride all the way through (Kill Ride, I believe it was called) and I'm hoping this'll be just as good, if not better.
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: July 2nd, 2007, 8:55pm Report to Moderator
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Wow. I really like your descriptions. Some of them are uneccessary ("like salt on a piece of black construction paper") and while I usually hate these kinds of descriptions, yours actually hooked me. Good job, man. You should write a novel or a short story. I'm sure it'll be right up your ally.

On page two, why is Father Michaels's dialogue right next to Blake's? Is that a sort of technique or something or just a mistake on the format? Sorry if it's something I should know.

"Already" is one word. Not "all ready".

Okay, I'll stop nitpicking now and focus on the script itself.

The conversations between the characters are way too long. I can understand you want to make your characters likeable and you want us to care about them, but try to break their conversations into smaller blocks. Small-talk between two characters for 5 pages straight gets kind of annoying. There has to be some kind of interest or "hook" in-between.

The dialogue at times (not very often) sounded fake and sort of one-dimensional. Like when Jeff asked Blake if he was gonna hang with the gang, Blake replied "Nah, Sydney and I have a date". He could've just said "Nah, I'm going out with Syd" or something. Or when Alex said "after dad died, I've made a big commitement to helping mom". It sounds way too forced, like you just WANT us to know that, but you need to find a way to make it sound more casual.

I like it how your "cast" has a wide range of people. From guys in their mid-twenties to seventeen year-old teenagers. Man, I hated Alex's mom, she was a grade A bitch. BY the way, for phone calls, I believe the V.O is kind of incorect. I'd rather just have MAY'S VOICE or something instead.

As I read I could  tell you love Rock music. You had "Rock music plays on...." like three times. lol. But it's cool.

Dude, I swear when I got to page fifty, I totally forgot this was in the Horror section. You basically have an hour long drama that suddenly morphs into a zombie film. This is not necessarily bad, but I think it hurt this one. It's like From Dusk Till Dawn--That movie was awesome up until the vampire part. Then it turned into a gorefest. It was till enjoyable, but it left you thinking how much better it could've been.  

I loved the descriptions of your zombies. It reminded me of the classic Romero ones. The gore was pretty cool too. Lots of blood & guts. Nice. Onc ethe action started you buit a tension that didn't let go. I felt really bad when Blake died. And again, your wiritng is as sharp as it gets.

Good job and good read.

--Julio









    
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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 2nd, 2007, 11:38pm Report to Moderator
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Wow you got through that fast, J! Thanks for reading too.

I'm glad my descriptions made you happy. I used to write short stories back then (and then again, those weren't too good) so I may have some "unnecessary" descriptions.

Page two, with Father Michaels' dialogue and Blake's dialogue on the same line...Final Cut has this option called "Dual Dialogue," and I guess it's really for shooting scripts, but basically, if you have two characters speaking at the same time, this is what they probably use for shooting scripts.

I'm going to check back at the dialogue and cut down some stuff, and fix up some of it.

Yeah I intended Alex's mom to be a bitch. Haha. And I also thought that (V.O.) was the correct way to write a phone scene?

I've never seen the entire movie of From Dusk 'Til Dawn, but I was slowly building up to the point where everything goes out of control. That way, when you get to know the characters and can distinguish who is who, stuff happens and everything breaks loose.

Haha I love George A. Romero. The master of zombie horror. I'd really like to meet him one day. But I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. Prepare for a review of one of your scripts from me because after reading this 139, you deserve one.

Sean


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: July 3rd, 2007, 12:29am Report to Moderator
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Yeah. I could get through it fast because I'm on vacation and I have nothing else to do right now, at least not until I leave town.

I didn't know about that "Dual Dialogue" thing. Like I said, maybe it was something I should know. lol.

About the phone thing, I heard V.O is all right to use, but using (BLANK)'S VOICE is more appropiate. I'm not sure though. Maybe the more experienced members like George, Phil or Bert could help you out there.


Quoted Text
   I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. Prepare for a review of one of your scripts from me because after reading this 139, you deserve one.


lol. I think the length of your script is what's scaring people off. 136 pages is a lot to digest if you're busy all day, but I was extremely bored and I had a lot of free time so I read it all (I still can't believe they gave us 2 whole months and a week of vacation).  

Sadly, I only have a 10-page short submitted right now. I'm planning on submitting another one once I complete it. I wanna do Shorts first before I move to feature-length scripts. I think its the way to go.

Anyway, you did an awesome job with this, man. I hope you get a lot more reads than this.

--Julio

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Busy Little Bee
Posted: July 7th, 2007, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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The Dead Walk Tonight

There’s a couple of approaches when writing a horror one where a scientist or professional in the matter is involved, you had a shade of this element, but you created several “ever man” characters that surprising I didn’t get tired of at any point in that “slow” introduction you were talking about though by the end I had wished you’d gotten more personal about what the characters wanted like Sydney and Blake wanting a family, if she just mention to him in a smart ass remark about how hard it is going to be to make babies with him out of town so much and him replying the web cam is a wonderful thing so maybe not.

I thought that kitchen scene in the beginning read like a commercial. And the arguments between Chad and Erin and Alex and his mother where more of the same in tone, which I felt, was forced. There was little subtly in which one wanted. People don’t have to yell and curse to get their points across. One thing that was out of the ordinary but I liked non the less and felt it didn’t hurt the story was that many of the characters you spent time on don’t make it to the end, but rather character’s we meet half way threw survive.

I like that Amy kissed Blake and he kissed back and that they didn’t have sex. I think its little decisions like that can make or break a scene or character. You also used the crosscut technique which offers the chance for a lot of action, ala, “24” the TV show. You did a good job in taking advantage of that and towards the end you spliced it into three stories towards the end upping the ante as things neared the finished line. I thought the Sydney telling Blake she was pregnant, it just emoted like human spirit that they’ve got to experience parenthood in that short moment of time, like any person who found out they were about to be parents a flurry of dreams for that child and how they’d raise him sinks into there head.
Another great choice out of that is that you didn’t take the movie route and have them both survive just cause she was pregnant cause life doesn’t work like that and you’re story for the better I though did its own thing in major parts of the story but managed to add recognizable ones too…

Like personalizing the zombies with Alex, Maggie changing...




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: July 7th, 2007, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Something I thought you should of avoided in those descriptions when the action picked up was telling the story, which can be done be eliminating adjectives, and dependent clause anything with “… but she”. The plane scene for example I think would of played better if the actions taking place were had a perspective of any or all the characters on the plane you had several on there, rather than me/the reader hearing directly the voice of the writer, taking me out of the action suppose to be unfolding in front of my eyes, you know.

It’ll bring you audience closer to the character ad perfect time to give Amy who survives personal time if she’s a witnessing thing on the plane rather than you telling us.

At first, during the middle of the story I kept wondering when are they going to get that destination to go to in for real safe haven, rather they reached it or not is secondary but it never come, which isn’t used that much and is actually pretty frightening if I do say so myself I kept thinking they’re never going to make it, ever, which I liked having that sympathy and empathy for them, but it was a double edge sword cause I was also thinking he could of went for 100 pages more or less cause it was starting to get repetitive remember like I mention they had no destination just reaction (running away from), I was glad for that breather when Julie had trouble in the vent cause it was the closet tension caused outside the zombies.

That scene just before Amy and Zane are in the boat, though. Brilliant. I don’t know if you were going for this effect, but all I could think was what is the state of the world, look how big Earth is, is every dead on the planet, the zombies are just wondering around. Then Amy and Zane ask the big question not only of themselves but mankind, which is, basically… where do we go from here?

Overall I have to say great job. I still don’t think it had to be that long and you don’t have to sacrifice the beginning or any of the actions but how you wrote and worded things, but telling.

Again good job. Are you planning a sequel?




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Zombie Sean
Posted: July 8th, 2007, 11:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Busy li'l Bee:

Thanks for reading this and I'm glad you put your time in for reading a 139 page script.

About the who deal with Blake and Sydney wanting a baby...maybe I could have a small scene where Sydney finally comes up to Blake and tells him that she wants to have a baby.

Yeah I see what you're saying about how Alex and Madelein's argument is the same tone as Chad and Erin's arguments. I can try and fix that up also. I also did try to eliminate the characters we're introduced first before the characters that we introduced towards the halfway point of the movie, or even passed that. I hate knowing who is going to live and who is going to die.

I think the scene between Blake and Sydney towards the end when he finds out that she's pregnant is probably the most dramatic out of the entire movie. I tried making it seem so real in a situation that they're in. And yeah I was planning on having Blake not survive due to the fact that he IS the main character.

I think I intended on having some of the descriptions during the plane scene be point of views of the characters, but I just didn't write "SO-AND-SO's POV:" because that would just clutter up the script.

Yeah my characters are alway running around in some place with zombies. I added that scene with Julie getting stuck in the vent because I'm a bit claustrophobic and I want the audience to be afraid of something that's not only the zombies. If I were to go up in a small vent to get away from zombies, I would be so uncomfortable, and if I got stuck, that'd be it. I wouldn't move and I'd begin to breathe heavily and things would just go out of control with me.

Haha, personally, I thought those last two lines were probably the cheesiest lines in the entire script. But after I had a friend read this before I submitted it, he told me that those last two lines were so great and that he always wanted to hear something like that in a zombie movie.

I'm glad you liked this and again I'm glad you put your time into reading this. True, it is long, but I plan on cutting down some of the dialogue...hopefully that'll help.

And I don't think I'd be writing a sequel. I'm not so well with that (Just take a look at my Scary Movie 5 script It's terrible )

Sean


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Busy Little Bee
Posted: July 8th, 2007, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa, Scary Movie 5? that sounds daunting. I hope they don't try to pull that off seriously.

When I mention POV I didn't mean: "AMY POV: she sees so and so...", but character perspective which is more like, "AMY watches the wing fly from the airplane. Her faces winces as the gust of wind washes over her..." rather incorparating the whole focus on an individual the reader can visualize better threw that ones persons expierence of what's going on through out the rest of the plane.


But yeah no problem man, can't promise I'll read Scary Movie 5 but I'll check out whatever's next.



Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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