Bad Day in Miami by Michael Donovan Horn - Comedy - Car theives Doug and Linus are at the top of their game...until they steal the wrong car.  Now the Miami PD is hot on their trail, as is a savage drug lord, two vicious arms dealers, a crooked DEA agent, a wiley hitman who loves beat poetry, and a U.S. Marshell who may end up getting more than she barganed for.  One way or another, everyone in Miami is going to have a very bad day. 114 pages - doc, format

I spent a great deal of time making notes and sent them to you.

Your story started off catching me with the two main protags, and those two stayed true throughout. It's the rest of the cast that seems to make the story falter.

The story puts a great deal in for one day. Be aware that when you try to stuff 10 pounds of stuff in a 5-pound bag you get a mess. DIE HARD did it, but that was in one place. American Graffitti did it. One small town, one night, many stories about that one night. So go back and look at what you can keep and what you works and get rid of what doesn't. The trick for you is determining what doesn't. For instance, what time does the car get stolen? What time does Linus have coffee with Carla? This is Miami, so do they drink cofee in the afternoon? You see what I mean. Lots of territory to cover in one day. The one day creates plot problems with cops having to show up and you wonder why they are there so fast. Don't just shove ideas in there in order to propel the plot.

I think the DEA and Marshall characters pull the story into confusion, at least in this draft. Focus in the protags since they carry the story. You can change everything around them and have the same story.

Your log line says Doug and Linus are being pursued by Miami PD. I don't recall Miami PD showing up. We never see much of the hit man who loves poetry. The US Marshall is put in a relationship that seems foreign to her tough-by-the-book set up.

What is the story about? In one sentence.