This is the first time I actually understand the phrase "a long paragraph intiminates the reader." It's the end of the day and I'm already tired and seeing that long first paragraph of your script made me really not wanna read it. Use 5 paragraphs or less.
About your writing (I still haven't gotten past the first paragraph), you have to show it, not tell it, show us how he has clutzy mannerisms and so on, and don't ever use an "ing" word (a word that ends with "ing", like swimming) in action paragraphs in a script. Write "swims".
Don't say "they shake hands" in a parenthetical. A parenthetical is supposed to tell the actor how to deliver the line.
"BENJAMIN (CONT’D)
Do you still want to know?"
I'm confused, how could he have continued to speak when they just kissed?
I'll give you some credit to building up tension though, I'm really starting to wonder what the twist ending is gonna be like. A setup like this just screams "twist ending!"
"BENJAMIN
Well, it’s true. People aren’t supposed
to change this much in so little amount
of time. I can’t believe how different my
life was before I met you.
I mean, I talk to people now, and by
that, I mean that I really talk to
people. I can be outgoing, I can be...
JEN
Alive?
BENJAMIN
Yes! "
This really speaks to me. This exact same thing happened to me with a girl. Very good.
Um, about the start of the gun scene... You might want to mention in an action paragraph that she's holding a gun first. This was a bit confusing.
You're too rushed. Slow down a bit, how did the detective know that he shot her so fast? Immediately when she was shot though I was hoping it would turn out as a suspense homage to film noir with h im trying to cover up the murder and the body from the person on the door. Didn't work out that way though but you did mention noir in your description of him. I like that.
Cliche police? Credit for an unexpected twist, I'll give you that. lol.
"DETECTIVE SPADE
No, it’s not just a story. It violates
everything we stand for! Look at what you
wrote! How many times must there be a
“shy boy meets outgoing girl” story? Then
they fall in love? Then the changed boy
laments over how the girl has changed
him? See, if you write this, then it
continues the trend. If you continue the
trend, then more people will write
stories like this, and so on and so on."
I'm inspired. As I said, this happened to me... Makes you think that I'm not alone. I'll think twice before writing about it
hehe.
Done. Boy now, that's a thinker. You gotta explain to me the meaning of that!
Top marks for plot, low marks for format. Keep writing, you show promise!