The Stop Off by Anthony Beaumont - Short - Banks and Sarah return to their motel room, after a heist. 4 pages - pdf, format

First, I would like to commend you on the fact that there are few spelling and grammar errors here. I do have to say that there are some problems though.

There are a lot of times when you could be a little more economical in your writing. Most of them I wouldn’t make a big deal of if it was rare but it happens a lot. Here are a few examples just from page one:

- On the table beside the bed there is a small clock radio.

Maybe: On the bedside table is a small clock radio.

In fact, you could do without this description altogether.

- A card of motel rules is pasted on the mirror beside the door.

You could scratch this line altogether. Hotels and motels are common locations in scripts and it doesn’t take much inference to paint the picture.

- Banks motions to the blinds with his pistol.

We already know he’s got a pistol in one hand and a briefcase in the other. You can infer the “with the pistol” here.

Maybe: Banks motions toward the blinds.

- Sarah nods, before dropping the blinds and peeking through them.

There’s no need to tell us she nods. We can see she complies by her other actions.

Try: Sarah drops the blinds and peeks through them.

- Sarah wanders over from the window and stands behind Banks who is now kneeling.

Sarah can only wander from the window since that’s where she was standing before she wandered.

Maybe: Sarah wanders over and stands behind Banks, who now kneels.

- Banks spins the briefcase around and prepares to open it.

No need to tell us he prepares. First off - with movies being a visual medium - you don’t show us how he prepares. And there’s no need to anyway. It’s inferred by the fact that the action is centered on the briefcase as well as by the spinning.

Just use: Banks spins the briefcase around.

- She starts to stroke the back of his neck.

The “starts to” action is one of the most common mistakes with screenwriters. Very seldom ever is it necessary to use the word “start” for an action in a screenplay.

Try: Sarah strokes the nape of his neck.

These are all just on the first page.


What was the point of the fly?

This script suffers from the problem of telling us every little move a character makes. You need to learn to infer things.

Two things you really need to work on:

1) Be more economical.

Ex.: The pistol is picked up off the bed and reloaded.

Could just be: He reloads the pistol.

2) Infer some things. Don’t bore us with small details like describing a person taking off his clothes, changing into new clothes, and placing his old clothes into a bag. 17 lines describing a guy changing clothes could have been wrapped up with:

Banks changes clothes. He throws his old clothes into a plastic bag and slings them into a suitcase. He pulls a trucker cap over his head and looks at his watch.

****SPOILERS****

There’s no real story here. Two people steal money. Guy double-crosses girl. That’s pretty much it. But there is a problem.

If Banks was going to kill Sarah, why did he bother telling her it was time to go? Why call out to her? Either it’s a plot hole or Banks decided to kill her for taking too long to get ready. Either way it’s an inconsistency because Banks never really showed any frustration with her for taking too long. He called for her that it was time to go and then just shot her. No real reason.

If he was simply indifferent about life and death, why not just kill her right off the bat? Why bother even planning on taking her with him. Either way you look at it, the Banks character is inconsistent.

The writing itself is good from a grammatical standpoint. And the dialogue is realistic. But you’re overwriting on your description and you’re underwriting on your character development.


Breanne

After Breanne's elaborate and detailed post, there is not much I can add review-wise, except for a few things.

As a beginning scriptwriter, I received reviews saying that I was too descriptive. I have been reading up on this and have done my best to improve this. So if you don't mind some tips from a novice here we go:

-"A small room. A slow fan buzzes above a large, rusting metal bed frame which is adorned by stale bleached sheets and two flat pillows."

Keep it lean. Provide only what's absolutely necessary. The fan might be worth keeping, but you could leave all the rest out. It's not important enough to mention, IMO.

INT. SMALL MOTEL ROOM - DAY

A fan BUZZES above the bed.

Might already be too much.  

Descriptions of physical locations should be sparse. As a good rule of thumb: only describe what is important for your story. Sometimes you can add descriptions to create a certain atmosphere, but otherwise, only describe what is important.

-"On the table beside the bed there is a small clock radio", "A card of motel rules is pasted on the mirror beside the door". (Already brought up by Breanne)

The clock radio and the rules do not play any part in the story at all. Actually, when you put those descriptions in, you create expectations for the reader. We will be expecting that the clock and rules will play a role. So, unless he is going to bash her brains in with that clock (for example), leave it out.

- Don't describe what the characters do every single heartbeat. "Sarah nods", "...before straightening back up..", etc.

Give the actors some freedom.

David Troittier puts it nicely in his book "The Screenwriter's Bible":

Quoted Text "Unless important to the plot, incidental actions -- such as he lights her cigarette, she moves to the table, she stands up -- should be avoided. If the character raises her cup of coffee to her lips, that's not important enough to describe... unless there is poison in the cup."

I hope this helps,

Yves

Thanks a lot you guy's. I seem to have gone from one extreme to the other with my writing.

Advice and critisism is always greatly appreciated.

Here is another short that feels like a commercial.  Very quick. But it is well written but with four pages not much you can do with it.  

reading the post above I learnt something myself concerning incidental actions.

Not sure if I agree with it but it is certainly is something to think about when writing.  

Not bad. It was a quick read. Kept my attention. Like everyone else has been saying, keep your action concise. It will keep the readers from getting lost on unnecessary detail. Good job, though.

Devinrush, it's nice to see you reading scripts and providing feedback, but when you dredge up old scripts from non forum writers, it really doesn't do anyone any good.  For example, this script hasn't been touched in 4 1/2 years, and the author only had a few posts to his name.

Obviously, it's your choice what you read and comment on, but your feedback here is falling on deaf ears, most likely.  Check out the current portals and try to read current scripts by board members who frequent the board.

Just some simple advice.  Enjoy your stay here.  It's a great place to learn the ins nd outs of screenwriting.