Cobra Blood Cocktail by Breanne Holifield ()  (OWC name - Joel Lilienkamp)  - Short, Thriller - Three people: a detective, a bank robber, and a girlfriend. One of them is the mysterious assassin known as The Cobra. A rival assassin holds them all captive while he tries to deduce which one.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format

I Liked it. The Poet's quotes demonstrate that you spent some time preparing this character. Good dialogue throughout without being overly wordy. Thought the ending was cool.

I liked this one a lot.

Action starts right from scratch, good pace, good descriptions (lean and clean), convincing dialogue, nice twists. I can definitely SEE this as a good thriller.

The only slight let down for me, were her two final sentences. They didn't really do much for me. For the rest, I think the dialogue really was excellent.

Good job.

Good job.

The characters in this are well-drawn.  The plot was adequate.  It was definitely a thriller.

However, I personally did not feel drawn in.  I didn't really feel anything for any of the characters.  

I found a kind of grating anachronism between The Poet and the other characters.  The poet seemed like a character out of a 40's movie.  That next to the profanity kind of seemed, to me, like skinning my knee on cement.

You did well, but the mix didn't really work for me.

Oh no, another assassin script. That's how I felt going into this scripts and that's how I felt when I finished it.

This story was so predictable, these assassin scripts always are. This actually had the same basic plot as the movie "Assassins" (the one with Stallone), competing assassins.

I thought this story was average, at best.

The writing was good though, the script itself was fast paced. So that was good. The dialogue was so-and-so. The whole quoting thing just sucked. It work for Jules in Pulp Fiction, it doesn't work here. It felt like you couldn't give him some decend dialogue so you just went with what others have said/written.

I disagree with sniper on all counts.

It was exciting, great dialogue, well-written characters and script. I'd love to play the Poet. It'd be a fun little gig.

Premise: Two famous assassins on one boat. Not greatly original. 5/10

Relation to Theme: Good use of the boat. Not really a thriller, more of a mystery IMO 6/10

Story:  I read a Poet assassin story recently, not sure if it was here or on InkTip. I'm faily sure it was the same person so I could easily found out who wrote this.

It's a good story, with good dialogue. It's painfully obvious who the Cobra is though and painfully obvious that she wasn't going to be dead. It was unbelievable that an assassin would fall for that. There are many drugs that slow the heart rate and some Yogis can even control it. He'd put a bullet in her to make sure if he's such a profesional.

Still an interesting story though, not everyone can carry a whole script on dialogue. 7/10

You win the most awesomest title award!

I enjoyed this short although I was a little disappointed ( really after having read the title my expectations were unreasonably high).

I think out of all the scripts I read here today so far, the Poet is probably the most badass( in a gentlemanly kind of way, like sean connery) so points for that.

I found Regina annoying most of the time even after the reveal when she started kicking A**.

My biggest complaint is probably that its been done before and you didn't bring a whole lot new to it.

You managed to create suspense for me, I wasn't sure who the cobra was till the reveal.

I'd like to see more of the Poet, I could probably pass on Regina.

Nice effort. Awesome title!  

This was a good story similar to the Usual Suspects in trying to find out who is who. the characters seemed real to me. Jeremy was funny. descriptions were clear and concise. the story flowed well and used the boat. good job.

hope this helps,
Gabe

Unlike some of the of others, I didn't find the story to be predictable. Still, like Mcornetto, I wasn't drawn in.

The Poet, though, was interesting. He had a kind of dimention to him. The other characters, though, were unremarkable.

All in all, this is, I think, one of the better written scripts on the board. Maybe just not my cup of tea.

Seth

The beginning wasn't much of a draw-in for me. Everything seemed a bit weird, I guess that's the right word, probably because you were introducing characters and stuff. But as the story got deeper, things started to get more interesting.

I'm pretty sure that a gang member or whoever this "The Poet" guy is would just shoot all three if he knew one of them was a killer...like he would care for the other two, psh! And then when the job is done, he burns the boat quickly and waits for it to sink. THE END.

But I guess that's how you resolve the story. The dialogue was okay in some scenes, not too realistic in others.

This was good though. And I liked the ending.

Sean

I liked it. The Poet was by far a more interesting character than the others in the script and I actually felt kinda beat when he died.

However, the twist seemed a bit predictable because usually in thrillers the weakest one is actually the strongest. That's what I was expecting, and that's what I got, so a few points were knocked off for a bit of unoriginality.

That still doesn't deter me from the fact that I found it a very enjoyable and compelling read. You had nice characters with good depth (although I would have liked to see some more backstory, but you can only do so much with 15 pages.). The dialogue was sharp and flowed well and the last few moments (aside from the twist) left me with a grin on my face.

Good job!

This was an excellent script.  It was spotless as far as I could tell.

Importantly, I think we can all agree that this definitely fits the "thriller" category.

The ending was a surprise.

I have nothing bad to say about this at all.

Super!  Really hot or cool!  It's the cat's pajama's!  Neato keen!  Far out!  Awesome!  Snazzy!  The bees knees!

Sandra

Cobra blood cocktail... what a way to die!

I'm absolutely positive I know who wrote this, (a couple small details gave you away) and I think it is another great job!

A who's who, and a what's what kept me on the edge of my seat.

I think this is my favorite of the scripts I've read so far.

A really good job in one week.

Cindy

This was a good read, and very gripping.  I liked how the story starts in one direction (cop bags robber and girl) and veers in another when the Poet shows up.  The double act between George and the Poet made for very compelling reading.  And it was nice to get at the Poet's motivations as we went along.  I was curious to see if anyone would survive when the Cobra revealed herself.

And that was one of my two problems.  Problem one was that, as interesting a character as the Poet was, he really is a step shy of being a Batman villain considering how much he wore his gimmick on his sleeve.  The other was that it was way too easy to figure out who the Cobra was.  Justin kept saying he didn't know her and Regina didn't refute him.  The inhaler bit was a fairly easy way to get out of the room without violence.  In a Brooklyn theatre, 200 people would be yelling at the screen that she was faking.  Then, if the boat wasn't her's, how did the Poet know to look there?  Would she really carry an inhaler with a chemical that fakes death?  Is this in the assassin repertoire?  See previous Batman villain comment.

Still, very well written.  Sinking the boat was a nice touch to add tension.