Little Old Joe by Zack Akers (Zack Akers)  (OWC name - Anise Fargoe)  - Short, Thriller -  When Eli wakes up in an old house boat, he confronts the boats owner (Joe) hoping to learn where he is and why he's there. However, lttle old Joe knows more than he's saying.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format

Opening action blocks aside, this was a quick, easy read -- well formatted. You set the tone quickly, creating an eery, dreadful setting.

The story, though, I think would've worked better if Eli came to the realization he did more slowly, with more of a sense of building anxiety. Tension.

This type of story, having been done, and done well, so many times -- think Twilight Zone, needs to be almost perfect to work.

Seth  

A short, very quick read, and I actually enjoyed it a bit.

The dialogue was a bit iffy at the beginning, like with Eli suddenly wanting to drown Joe's "ugly A**" haha. But it gets better as the script comes to an end. Your descriptions are also well-written.

The concept is interesting also, but I feel I've heard of this type of story before. I don't know, though.

Good job.

Sean

Hey Fargoe,

The story was pretty interesting. It reminds of a script I read here in this site.

I just found Eli's threat to Joe useless since it appears that Joe is helping him leave the place, sort of speak. It would also be good to have seen Joe fight back with his own threats.

Also the story was too short. You could have done more with the alloted pages given such as build up tnesion as Seth suggested.

hope this helps,
Gabe

Like some of the others have said, the concept has been done before, but it's still a fun one to read\watch.

The Grim Reaper is an old man with hives.  That was unique.

Overall it was short, to the point, and entertaining.  Good stuff.

A nice little story. I enjoyed the read. Despite it only being 6 pages, it did manage to create some suspense. I agree with the other posters though, would be even better if you'd use more pages and build it up even more.

"You're supposed to go to the gates" made me laugh in a good way.

The old guy is convincing.

Nice job.

Nice little story.  I actually appreciated that it was short.  I'll keep length in mind next contest - hopefully keep mine short as well.  An incompetent grim reaper is better than a competent one, right?

This was a nice little after-death story. We've seen it before in different clothing but I thought it was pretty good. Fast paced, well structured. But it wasn't really a thriller, granted it had an foreboding feel to it.

Good work

Pretty good.

Ending was real nice. Made me smile.

A couple of typos though. And one on your synopsis! "lttle" instead of "little"! Oh, and where were the thrills?

Still, written nicely and good little twist. Good job on the script. Not so good job on the genre.

Idea: 7
Relation to Theme and Genre: 4
Overall: 6

Jamie

This was nice to read.

It quickly sucked me in, then before I knew it, it was over. I say that in a good way mostly. I like others think it would have been nice if you extended it some. I enjoyed Joe.  His interactions with eli were nice. I would have liked to see more of that.

I think I would have liked it more if you were more subtle with "they call me the grim reaper up there". It seemed a little to blunt to me.

Not the best I've read here but more then decent. Good effort.

This was a fun read. The writing was really cut and dry. It was too the point and read quickly. That made it much easier to focus on the story, which was quite good as well. It's always good to have the reader/viewer asking questions. The mystery made the story really easy to get into. Few problems here. I didn't exactly like the way Joe went about explaining himself. He went off asking a load of questions before finally getting to the point. I thought this was unneccesary and a little annoying. Eli's been asking questions the whole time. I didn't need to hear anymore. Still, I liked the twist. I didn't like Eli. I was a little PO'd, at first, at the idea that the protagonist was a kid who threatened to drown old men with missing eyes. But when the twist came, I was quite satisfied. This is exactly where he's meant to be.

Don't know what else to say. This was a pretty direct read so I suppose there's not really a lot to say. Anyway, I enjoyed it.

Been done. Alot. Charon. River Styx? Dante? Oh well. Not a lot with the character, Eli. A Korn t-shirt isn't always a one way ticket to Hell (so would say Brian "Head" Welch), but more development might have given more suspense to the desparation of his situation. Also, it appeared that he was suicidal, I would expect a lot more despair and self-loathing on his part. I'd expect his character to be a whole lot darker...

I'm not liking the dialogue. You're trying to do too much with it. Less is more.

I know you're trying to set it up but it is dragging on. Like a "who's on first routine". The questions and answers just go round and round.

I think I saw the entire story the first few lines. It was like waiting for the punchline of a joke that you knew wasn't going to be very good.

I say tighten everything up from the action to the dialogue. Make it leaner. If not leaner, make every word mean something. Don't just fill up lines.

Joseph

The first question that comes to my mind is:  Why did you only spend 6 of your 15 pages?

I liked the premise for this; even though I knew right away what was going on with the gates, but maybe I'm just too friendly with Saint Peter.  I hope not Mr. Grim; but doesn't he do the fetching and St. Peter is the Gatekeeper taking tickets?

I suggest you take this idea and work it over.  I'm interested in Old Joe and how he's portrayed.

Too short, and not a thriller, but a good concept.

I can still hear him.  "Go to the gates!"  And I'm thinking:  I just hope they're the golden ones with pearls, not those black spiky ones from behind which orange flames are lashing about.

Sandra

Premise: Modern twist on the River Styx idea. Although it's been done before I enjoyed its charm.  7/10

Relation to Theme: Very interesting use of the boat but not a thriller. 5/10

Story: It's all over before it began and it was obvious what was happening from the moment Old Joe mentioned the gates, so in that regard there was so real progression in the script. I'd liked to have seen more done with the idea. Just because it was so short I'm going to have to give you: 3/10

But it definitely has some potential as a story.