Say Hi to Dead Ted by Joel Gomes ()  (OWC name - Ju Adjai)  - Short, Thriller - Ted has had one drink too many and now his nightmares are catching up to his reality. Or are they?   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - doc, format

Minor spelling and grammar errors aside, I liked this for the most part.  It would make a very neat short.

Spoilers? ---

The ending is ambiguous, and would start debates as to whether it was a dream, he's drunk, or if it was about to happen again FOR REAL this time(with the clues being the music,etc).

There was no answer(that I caught on to) about the monster, which could be cool.  No motivation for it, unless it didn't like people polluting its waters with urine! hehe.

I liked the writing style.  As someone who is trying to get my own style down, it is nice to see someonewho has their own style nailed down.

Overall, it was a neat short script.

Not sure what to think of this.

Like Zadamort said it would probably make for an interesting short, but the abundance of "we see's" and the whole gaggle of it was all a dream moments really took me out of it.  It was like reading the Anti-Spec.

Anyway, the story was interesting, and that's what counts here, so good job.

Hey.

I kind of enjoyed this--kind of. To tell you the truth, it was very sloppily written, technically-wise. "We see" does not belong in a spec script. Your descriptions could be trimmed down quite a bit to make it a quicker read too, but nevertheless, I thought it was entertaining.

There's not that much of a story here....just dreams within dreams (you should've kept the title ). I found your monster very cool and I think no background of it should be given. It's fine the way it is. Not much of a Thriller....more like an actual Horror, but it was OK. Not that bad.


--Julio

Wow, I'm glad I was able to get through the 'we sees' here. And like everyone else said, I'm actually kind of glad to see that you didn't include an entire paragraph of description to describe what the monster looked like. Though the dream within a dream within a dream within a dream thing didn't really quite do it for me. It was like this one Spongebob episode I saw where Ms. Puff continued to have dreams about her going to jail and stuff and so you don't know what's real and what isn't.

Though I did like the very end. That was pretty neat.

Sean

I kind of like where you were going with this but something was very acid trippy the metal music didn't help, lol. Um, elaborate on this and you may get something great.

Premise: 5/10

Reminiscent of the Sandman episode where he curses his captor to suffer waking nightmares .It's a fun and interesting concept, but doesn't have the bones to hold a story as well as some of the other entries.

Relation to Theme: 4/10. Not really a thriller. More of a horror I would say.

Story: 6/10.

Simple but well told.

Just finished my second read through and the ending kinda left me a bit disappointed. The script had an interesting hook with the first appearance of the claw and the first revelation that the beginning was a dream. I liked the style a lot, with the concise descriptions instead of long, drawn out life-story paragraphs. I didn't particularly notice the "we sees" through my first read through.

From there, it seemed to go along as trying to think of interesting ways for Ted to be killed by the claw, which at first was cool but then seemed to become a bit boring. The lack of explanation at the end annoyed me...I felt I was in need of explanation after seeing the same man die repeatedly for 5 pages...

The script was good at first and the writing style interesting, but it ended up disappointing and abrupt. Like ZiggyplayedGuitar said, I'm sure with some time and elaboration this script could turn out really cool.

Another short one.

No need for we sees or CUT TOs.

His hair is disgruntled? - haha. What did he do to his hair to make it so mad? Maybe disheveled.

There were some errors, misspellings, etc. It needs another proofread.

Some of the descriptions were a bit odd: All in him transpires sloppiness: A kind of monster’s claw trespasses him. It’s admirable to look for creative ways to describe things but be careful not to snag a reader with descriptions that are too odd.

There’s no need for SMASH CUTs in a spec script - and you’re not using them correctly anyway.

He is unarmed - unharmed

You should never have end credits in a spec script.

This strikes me as something someone just made up the day of. I doubt the writer is really serious with this. There’s no story here. It really feels like meandering directionless last minute material.


Breanne

This had a Groundhog Day with a twist feel to it. I don't think it was particulary bad, it just wasn't engaging enough, you know? Just a bunch of dream sequences slapped together and a monster.

It didn't really work for me.

The writing could use a tune up too. The script was too descriptive, the paragraphs to bulky and too many typos. Also, the 'We's' and 'CUT TOs' got to go.

Rob

There was something about this script. Something indescribable. Something I can't quite put my finger on and something that I've seen before.  Oh well. maybe if I have a beer and sleep on it then I'll be able to picture it with exactness and precision.

Keep writing.

I really don't have a lot to say about this script, other than I liked the general premise. Waking up again and again and again I thought was a very interesting way of telling the story. I'm also glad you kept it under five pages, another few wakings and faux deaths would've gotten very irritating very quickly.

Aside from a few grammar and spelling errors, this was a solid, quick read. By the way, loved the title. Good job.


Matt.

This script seems more like a series of shots than a story. I say this because it is, imo, incomplete. I would've enjoyed it more had there been an explanation as to why Ted suffered as he did. Perhaps he is, as the title suggests, dead and this is his hell. If so, I'd like to know why he's in hell.

Seth

I didn't like this that much, I almost liked it but not quite.

I thought that the way a lot of things were worded was kind of awkwardly and it interfered with my getting into it. In addition to this I thought the descriptions in general could have been more concise.

The concept was ok, I found it kind of interesting, it reminds me of some other stuff but thats fine. I enjoyed the ambiguity about what was real or what was a dream, a theme I enjoy.

Overall, however, I felt that it didn't create that much tension, or anticipation, which prevented me from being thrilled.

Lastly the boat wasn't really nesccesary for this it could have easily taken place in an apartment or something so minus points for that.

good effort, good day,  

I think Dead Ted got mixed up with Groundhog Day.

The writing here needs to get cut down.

For instance: Aside from that there is no soul to be seen or hear.

A typo with: some [nu] metal.

I don't know why he would say, "If this is a joke..."

If a theme is going to be a knock off of something else, it really needs to have something about it that makes it special.

My overall feeling about this is that it's too wordy, but doesn't deliver anything really.  Ted is not trying to accomplish anything, he just keeps going to sleep and waking up dead.

See if you can pull something different from this, pare it down and it will improve a lot.

Sandra