Village Versatility by Ashley C. (ZiggyplayedGuitar)  (OWC name - Brekke)  - Short, Thriller - Forget life and run away from it; try Europe it's small yet 'Oh so fun!' better yet, take a friend, but who needs friends when you're shacked up with a voloptuous Italian stripper? Think this idea is crazy? Don't take our word just ask Wayne!    August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - doc, format

Uh, what? I am so confused right now, haha...

I feel this was written by one of the more popular people of the boards.



SPOILERS





- So it starts out with a guy named Dean, but now his name is Wayne?

- Was the first scene with 'Dean' and Merideth supposed to connect with the last scene with the mafia and Wayne?

- Wow, Wayne's life sure does seem crappy. I'd hate to be living that. Just thought I'd point that out there.

- I'm with the question mark at the very end with THE END? Because when I was done reading it, I felt I just read something that didn't really accomplish anything. It sounds like a dream someone had or maybe an improved skit. I don't know.


Sean

Premise:  4/10

This one had a nice atmosphere and a good build up, but ultimately it was the old hitman routine.

Relation to Theme: 4/10

More about the docks than the boat.

Story: 6/10

Whoa, the format is way off here. I really hurts the eyes (it might be Word that's screwing with me, maybe I have to tweak the margins. PDF rocks!!!). As with regards to the topic of this OWC, this story is not even close to being a thriller - and it hardly takes place on or near a boat.

This was sloppily put together and read like a real mess. The script felt like a bunch of scenes had been thrown together from all over the place. Is Dean and Wayne the same guy? Why does MAN suddenly become ROBUST MAN before turning into Julian.

WAYNE
Listen! I have three grand-

JULIAN
From my understanding I loaned you 100,000 grand-

He did? He really loaned him a hundred million dollars? Please proofread your work. That one really stood out.

All in all, I didn't like this script.

I felt like the quality of the script was inconsistent.  First off, what used car dealership sells anything for 34,000 dollars.  Second, does it really cost 100,000 dollars to adopt a Chinese baby?  Third, Meredith is way too mysterious and there is no payoff to her character.  When she enters, this script sounds like it's copying the Sin City style to writing.  She is a bit femme fetale/seductress and a bit self effacing nobody.  Some of your descriptions were poorly worded and even the dialogue occassionally wasn't fluid.

And yet, I was able to finish the script because some of the story was alright.  I liked the fact that he was selling a car to a couple with a family.  I see how that played into the script.  Unfortunately, the tone for the piece didn't seem consistent.  It felt half neo noir, half melodrama.  Should have been proofread better.  Also many of the dialogues were way too long.  Movie characters speak succinctly.

Even though this one wasn't great, the script I wrote isn't getting great reviews either so I don't want to complain too much.  I just thought the whole piece, from the mood, to the writing, to the story, to the characters' motivations was sloppy, disjointed and not fully fleshed out.  

Could have been better.

Wow. Some creative logline. keep it simple: name of hero, his/her dilemma, and possibly his/her reward in solving dilemma. But moving along...

The transition btw Wayne and Dean, and the two wives needs to be fixed. I think Dean was the past and Wayne present. This is very reminicisent of the Number 23 that they try to employ the same thing. read the script; its on this site.  

But I didn't see no real plot except for getting the baby, but that was just mentioned. Wayne didn't do anything about getting away as the logline suggests unless going to work sounds like leaving. And there was nothing to be thrilled about.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Not sure what the connexion between Dean and Wayne.  The Dean / Meredith set up was good, but I'm not sure what it was in aid of.  Same with John Jacobs Incorporated.  At the end, Julian and Wayne are discussing the terms of the loan, then we go to INTERCUT BETWEEN WAYNE AND JULIAN .  You need to indicate that the flashback is over a little better.  The script ends just as it is starting to get good.  

Nitpicky stuff - 100,000 grand - should be either $100,000 OR $100 grand.

Don

Quoted from Don Nitpicky stuff - 100,000 grand - should be either $100,000 OR $100 grand.

Just a little format tip since I noticed it in a few other places as well.

It should be "a hundred grand" or "one hundred grand".

Same goes for 6'2".  Should be "Six two".

Numbers should be written as text.

As far as the story goes, I didn't see that much of a need for everything in the beginning, even though it was probably the best written part of the script.

I agree with Don that this ended right when it looked like the story was going to be on the upswing, which is probably why you chose to put THE END?  Maybe you're thinking of extending it.

On the whole, not bad, and probably more of a crime drama than a thriller, but it could have been cut down a little bit to give more room to completely fill out the story.

This was a surreal read.  Not necessarily a bad thing.  

I enjoyed the beginning.  Was it a dream though? or a flash..forward?  I can't wait till the authors are allowed to reveal themselves and get the scoop.

Some of the problems have been mentioned (100,000 grand).

The ending was very abrupt and didn't tell me what the story had promised to tell me, which was "Does he pay this guy, and they get the baby and live happily ever after...or not?"

Overall, it was a different read from most of the others, and that was cool.  I enjoyed it for the most part.

Er, I really don't know what to say about this one. I thought the characters were well defined and the dialogue was really good in some places, but ultimately it just doesn't amount to anything. You leave it on a big cliffhanger with no resolution, the entire script was just a big set up for nothing. It would be fine if you're planning a sequel, but leaving us hanging like this, just left a bitter taste in my mouth. Technically good, but storywise this one just missed the mark for me.


Matt.

This is an example of someone who is coming into their own as far as story goes.

It has a lot going for it: motive, characters, engaging dialogue, an easy read; even the cuts between scenes were done well and easy to follow.

I would consider this a draft though and I'd change the bit where the mafia guy tells him up front that if he doesn't pay up it's curtains.  If that's the case, then Wayne isn't a smart man.

I think that if you put this through several drafts, you are really close to a perfect script.

I see some real talent filtering through this.

I was pleasantly surprised with this one.

Of course you know that it's not finished and that's why you put "The End" with a question mark.

With more effort, you probably could have been a strong contender.

Oh gosh, that boat.  I forgot again about that little detail.  Oh well, some people would just as soon blow it up anyways...

Good job!

Sandra

While this script is somewhat disjointed and lacks the tension of a thriller, there is a good portrayal of the desperation in Wayne's life.  Wayne is completely down and out, literally dreaming about what he could have been, escaping from his mundane life in his fantasy of Meredith.  

The dream sequence is well done; before we realize it's a dream, it seems overdone.  But when Wayne wakes up, and we realize he was wishing that he could be the smooth Dean, the dream is actually highly stylized, reminding me of the exaggeration in a Batman TV show.  His short soliloquy of regret before he takes his life, reminiscent of Brando's speech in On the Waterfront -- "I coulda been a contender.  I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am." -- is good, though it needs some polishing.  For example, at 28 he is not barely an adult; he could have said that if he were 21.  The phrase "born into a life not lived by those who truly deserve such a god-given curse" was unclear as to exactly what it meant.  However, I liked the overall feel of it.  

Then, out of the darkness, comes Meredith, his angel, to save him from himself.  I also liked the humor in his comment, "Is that the grim reaper tap dancing on my forgotten grave, singing, 'So long and good riddance?'"  I liked the way they parted, where Meredith smoothes his lips with her fingertip as a tear rolls down -- I assumed it was her tear, at having to leave him, which would fit in with the fact that it was his dream fantasy and she would hate to be leaving him.  It could not, and would not, have happened the way it did in real life, but it was a great dramatic dream sequence.

Waking up to Wayne's mundane life was jolting after that, as I suppose it should have been.  

I think the main weakness in his motivation to borrow the money and subsequently get into trouble was that it was for an adoption.  In one sense, Wayne's poor treatment of Brandy is redeemed by his willingness to borrow money from a loan shark to afford the adoption, thereby risking his life; in another sense, an adoption is too unexciting of a scenario.  Perhaps if Wayne had wanted to leave his miserable life altogether by assuming a new identity, maybe getting plastic surgery to have a new face and new fingerprints and be completely unrecognizable even to the loan shark, so that he was free to start over again -- that would have been a grander motive with more possibilities.

In general, I think the dialogue flowed fairly well.  

I like the way the two car salesmen were contrasted at work:  Ray, stroking his perfect blond hair, while Wayne runs his hand through his dingy, matted curls, and halfway through his hand gets stuck.  That made me laugh.  

The scene where Wayne goes to the boat to meet with Julian Calargo (great name!) about his loan should have been beefed up.  I loved the thought of Wayne going to this creepy boat to meet with this creepy guy.  I could just see them sitting under a dingy light bulb, with Wayne feeling as though someone could come in and kill him at any minute, in the middle of nowhere, and nobody would know.  

The part later on where Wayne says, "How did you find me?" plays in with my earlier suggestion that perhaps he was trying to disappear from his present life.  Again, the adoption would not fit with that at all.

This script seems to be a good jumping off point (a nod to Wayne/Dean in his dream) for further thoughtful development.

Thanks Stacy