Cork by Phil Clarke Jr. (dogglebe)  (OWC name - F'nor)  - Short, Thriller - A disgruntled gambler seeks revenge on the man that cost him money.   August '07 One Week Challenge entrant. - pdf, format

This could have been better.

Simple mistakes that confuse the reader(or maybe im easily confused) such as "Bobby spins around and sees Bobby holding his pistol."  I assume that it is Kevin with the gun.

Kevin seemed repetitive.  yes, we get it, you lost your wife, kevin!  

I didn't really like the story much.  Redneck revenge doesn't do it for me.  The game\rope scenario was neat though.  

Wow.

I really, really liked it. My only technical notes include sound effects. They shouldn't be capped in a spec script. Other than that, it was great.

Now for the story. I liked it, but I still don't get Kevin's motivation. It seems way drastic, even if he is a compulsive gambler.

I think my rating says enough.

I, too, enjoyed this one. It's well written and engaging. I especially enjoyed the dialogue.

There were a couple of mistakes, typos, in the script that did prompt me to reread a line or two. Still, given the time constraints involved, this is understandable. Not a big deal.

There isn't, imo, much to bust on. I agree with Absteel, Kevin's motivation is suspect. Still, given the overall quality of the script, I think it works. You did exceed the page count -- just by a tad. So, again, not a big deal (at least to me).

Seth

It was like Red necks gone wild. The whole time I just saw the two red necks from the simpsons, bad plot I don't buy the terse 'No he aint!' dialouge and the wife leaving axe revenge thing. I kept asking why not just take it to the Jerry Spinger, why go postal? So, this diffently didn't do much for me. 2/10

This one was good. I don't think someone should get too worked up because the person they were betting on lost a darts game. Though it was an interesting concept to work on, and yet, just because the guy's wife left him doesn't mean he has to kill Bobby's...I don't know, Kevin angered me and so I'm glad he died. A few spelling errors, but no biggie.

Sean

This was a fun read. A definite quick read for me.
I don't think anybody could understand Kevin's motivation...unless he was extremely codependant on his partner...or just crazy lol.

But yeah, definetly one of the fav's for me thus far.

Premise 6/10

The whole darts thing required quite a degree of suspension of disbelief, but once it got going it worked well enough.

Relation to Theme:

A THRILLER! Who'd have thought it. Congratulations. Rather tenuous use of the boat though I'm afraid so marks off for that.

           6/10

Story:

Well put together and well structured. It may have been better if there were multiple targets, related to different ropes, that couldhave kept the tension up higher, but a good job nonetheless.

           7/10

This was good.

No need to say surrounded by overgrown grass when you used overgrown field right before.

It took you a little less than one page to get to the thriller part, good job on that.

I can't say I thought it was great use of the boat...

On pg 13 you say Kevin swings the axe, barely missing Kevin's head. You probably meant Booby's head.

You went over the page count, which is no big deal, but it's something I think you didn't have to do. I thought it dragged a little in the middle and was a little too chatty. You could've easily trimmed quite a bit there. If you use FD, you can also choose the "tight" option to shrink the script some.

Over all it was a good story that was written very well.

It was a nice mix of thrills, horrors, and comedy. I was really engaged in this short.  Their were a couple of errors as name consistencies but that was only done once near the end. Just proofread afterwards. Good job.

Gabe

I actually don't think you needed to suspend your disbelief.  Anybody who gambles or knows someone who gambles, knows that gamblers bet on the most trivial of activities.  It's more about the rush of placing a bet than the substance of the event on which the bet is being placed.  In a casino, people will indiscriminately toss hundreds of dollars on numbers or colors - as that's all they really are.  The meaning attached comes from parlor embellishments and meaningless game names like roulette.  

So in this hick town that probably lacks a casino, it doesn't seem far-fetched for the local low-life to hinge his financial security on the can't miss marksman.  I really enjoyed the story, but 16 pages of taunts and threats got a little tedious.  I was sort of hoping with one dart left, that Bobby would sling his last dart square in Kevin's Cornea and yell cork.  But truthfully, you ended it very touchingly in the bar.  Like a previous poster mentioned, your first page has some repetition, but the script quickly sharpens its focus and descriptions.  

I enjoyed it, but could have enjoyed it more as a 12 pager.

Very gripping read, and followed the "thriller" formula very well.  I could buy Kevin going nuts on losing his wife if he rationaliuzed it was because Bobby lost as opposed to, I'm sure, a ton of other reasons.  I thought the end tied things together well, and I actually liked Kevin's deciding to have a conversation while Bobby was trying to throw.  It eased the tension back enough, but not so much that the story lost its grip.  Nice simple start and everything moved well and was set up well.

I had trouble picturing how Darlene was tied up.  If she could lift her feet out of the water afte rthe first chop, how high up was she?  If the last cut put her in the water, how was that an automatic drowning?  Maybe because her feet are tied, perhaps.  All of the format and proofereading issues were covered by the other reviewers, so I won't beat that horse.  Pretty solid.

No cliche's here, no dreams either.  

I liked this one. I liked the descriptions, the story.

I can see how a poor guy who just lost all of his money and his wife, would want to take it out on the person who supposedly lost it for him... He's not thinking right, doesn't care, has to take it out on "him".

What I didn't understand was why he would let his wife go if he hit the target. It seems to me that he might get more pissed, like the guy threw the dart game that he lost on.
Now maybe if Kevin had played him in the tournament and lost to him by what he thought was dumb luck, and his wife that left him was counting on the money from the tournament... and this was his way of getting another game out of him... well, that to me would make more sense.

But it was thrilling, well written, and I liked it. I think it needs just a little ironing of the wrinkles.

Cindy

This has a lot going for it. It has a few problems but it’s got some strong points, most prominently a likeable main character.

A slugline, just by its nature, gives description too. If your slugline says overgrown field, there’s no need to say it in the descriptive paragraph following. In your opening scene, you have the word overgrown in the slugline and twice in the following description.

Other than that, the description was excellent. You do have a redundant feel pop up occasionally. Lines like; sparsely furnished with old furniture, for example. But a great deal of the description was excellent. Not too much. Not too little. Your action description needs work. It’s not as solid as your location and character description.

The note that was left for Bobby was signed J. but he met a guy named Kevin.

P4 - Bobby spins around and sees Bobby holding his pistol - I’m sure you mean Kevin. For a moment I thought this was going to go sci-fi.

I found it inconceivable that Kevin would kidnap Bobby’s wife, hogtie her, and dangle her over the river over a dart game. He said he lost two weeks pay. I won’t say that’s not a lot of money but two weeks pay is hardly enough to warrant Kevin’s reaction.

I know Kevin’s wife left him over it. That would probably tip me off that I was married to a fool too. But I mean, Jeez, I would think the guy would try to win his wife back before going to that extreme. I mean, Bobby didn’t kill Kevin’s wife or anything.

And then to find out Kevin didn’t even want his money back. He only wanted Bobby to throw darts. I didn’t get that motivation.

I don’t understand how Darlene’s toes could dip in the water if she’s dangling hogtied. Maybe I’m picturing something wrong here but when you’re hogtied and dangling, wouldn’t your toes be the highest part of your body?

It was predictable that Bobby would throw a dart at Kevin eventually. When the moment came, I think you could have made it clearer. You need to work on your action description.

He swings the axe down, just missing Kevin’s head - you got the names mixed up again.

I like the idea of the man having to accomplish something to save his wife. I just couldn’t buy Kevin’s motive though. I could buy him blaming Bobby but I couldn’t buy the extreme of his actions.


Breanne

I had a favorite before this one but I think I'm going to change it and say I liked this one the most. The premise is great! Very original, interesting, and high on stakes. Strong characters and dialogue make the situation all the more interesting. Each time Bobby missed, it felt more intense. The conclusion is logical and satisfying as well with a strong build leading up to it. I'd say all the pieces are in place with this one.

My only complaints would be that, at times, the dialogue becomes a little repetitive or otherwise drawn out a little too much. One of the earlier exchanges between Bobby and Kevin and their last, about Bobby being responsible for Kevin losing his wife, are too similar. I think you could cut the second one out. Also, the epilogue is a little drawn out. No need for so much chitchat. Just the offer and Bobby turning it down are needed.

The writing was pretty strong, for the most part. I liked that it was very visual writing, especially with the sound effects. I think it worked a lot better than if you had decided to go with more flowery writing. There's a few typos and names switched here and there but nothing major. You also might want a new slug when Bobby dives under water.

Like I said, this is probably my favorite out of what I've read so far. Just about everything, I liked. Excellent work!