Smile by Gregory Kerrick (directorg13) - Short - Tensions rise after the kingpin's son is accidentally killed by his own bodyguard, Brad. With no one left to turn to, Brad contacts the only other person he can trust, his best friend, Sid, who is equally involved with the mafia. Over the course of an intense conversation we learn about the two men, where their loyalties lie and long kept secrets. It all builds to a brutal climax that ends in bloodshed. 11 pages - pdf, format

Hey Greg,

I liked this short a lot. Your descriptions were a bit long and drawn out in places, so you might wanna do some trimming in the next draft, but some of the descriptions -- particularly in the big shoot out at the end -- were really good and exciting. The writing was sharp, I really liked the twist at the end. The way specific characters keep turning on one another and the twists keep piling up, I liked that a lot.

All in all, a neat little short. I hope you do some more writing.
Well done.

Matt.

Hi,
I liked the premise, it kept me interested until the end. Just a few things I noticed though.
The beginning descriptions read more like a novel, they were good, but out of place.
I'd avoid the words in italics on pg. 6
The banter between sid and brad was interesting at first, but it dragged on at the end, a little trimming could help out a lot.
I think it would have benefitted from a flashback or two to add some action, Sid and Brad talked about what had happened too much, if you used a flashback for the "accident" it could've broken up the big chunk of dialogue and been a nice addition.
the image of the red laser was well done also, it really got the story going again. Overall it was enjoyable.

A good read. It had a good pace, a lot of twists, and very good dialogue. As mentioned by the previous posters: try to keep the descriptions lean. The descriptions in the beginning are too long and too novelesque (is that a word?). It makes the start of the story slow to read, which is a bit of a shame.

For the rest, I think it's a very good story. The dialogue is what stands out for me: good and solid.

Typo: "You're son is part of this now", gotta be "Your".

Keep on writing.

Chism, n7, movemycheese thanks for taking the time to sit down and read it. I really apprecaite the criticism.

I liked this, I thought it was really good.

It was tense, fast passed, I got  through it really quickly.

I really liked the dialog. I thought your jokes were really funny, (especially the door knob instructions) and you were seamlessly able to go back into the tense atmosphere.

My only complaint was that I kind of rolled my eyes at the fake out when the laster quickly went from Trish to Sid. I think the laser moving across the room is enough to get the point across with out stopping it on her head. And its not as cheesy.  

But overall really good. Nice effort.

"My only complaint was that I kind of rolled my eyes at the fake out when the laster quickly went from Trish to Sid. I think the laser moving across the room is enough to get the point across with out stopping it on her head. And its not as cheesy."

Yeah, I could see how that'd be cheesy. Thanks for taking a look at it. Really appreciate it.

"The beginning descriptions read more like a novel, they were good, but out of place." - n7

Yeah, this has been addressed to me a couple times. In terms of the rest of the script, I agree that it would feel out of place. This is one of the first short screenplays I've ever written. I like being descriptive but I could definitely see what you mean that its just too much.

Given your screen name, I assume you plan on directing this yourself. This being as it is, I'll not comment on the inclusion of camera angles.

The action blocks, as others have commented, are over-written. It's a lot to wade through. Readers, professional ones, expect quick, lean reads.

Look for parts of sentences that could be written in more economical ways. For example, instead of writing: "He crushes the ciagrette with the bottom of his foot..."You could write: "He crushes the cigarette beneath his foot (or shoe)," cutting three words. Most adverbs (cautiously, immediately, uneasily, intensely, subtly) could also be removed without loss of meaning. If you do this, not only will readers appreciate it, but you'll have more lines to work with, to tell your story.

Page 8

Nice, lean action blocks.
  
As for the story, it held my attention. I liked how it slowly unfolded, presenting questions along the way. Well done.

Sorry I focussed so much on the writing, but it is what I think, in this script, needs the most work.

Seth

Thanks for the read. Yeah, majority of the comments that I've had concern the length of descriptions and I agree to a certain extent. The descriptions could be leaner, quicker to read. Thanks again for reading it.

ooo, I really liked this script. Nothing better then seeing a bunch of tough guys get screwed over big time by a woman.

The only critiqe I've got id that you seem to overwirte the action a little bit. It felt more like a novel then a script.

The final nail in the coffin so to speak for Brad and sid and the woman's motive is  brillant

This is a very interesting read, the writing is crafted precisely and visual. But what I enjoy most is the plot, everyone has his/her own priority. Thanks

Thanks a lot for the read Tonkatough and Stray soldier. Much appreciated.

Greg, this was a pretty good short, you kept things flowing pretty, it is basically two guys in a room talking and it didn't get boring or go on too long.  The chatter between Sid and Brad worked well, we get an idea of who these two guys are.

A few things, What does a fresh black suit look like?  That kinda confused me, I don't know what fresh clothes look like.

Page 5 you have Brad nearly shit his pants, I think either you do or you don't...hahaha, I don't see any middle ground there...LOL

The ending was pretty good with Trish, Brad and Sid, I thought that was a pretty neat little twist, and it seemed to make sense as well, it didn't feel like you just through it in there.

Anyways I liked this script, it was a fun and easy read.  Good work.

Thanks for checking it out guys. I just found out that it was picked from 90 other scripts to be filmed. Anyway, your criticism is very appreciated.