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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Two Faces of Fear Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Two Faces of Fear  (currently 2145 views)
Don
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 8:18am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Two Faces of Fear by Marko (Mesmer) - Horror - On the one Friday the 13th masked abductor kidnaps dozen of students in the one high-school. He has just one requirement - that school teacher of psychology Jacob Chayefsky comes to him. But this is almost impossible because Jacob has fear of the Friday the 13th. Torture by his the greatest fear and possessed by various kinds of horrifying hallucinations, Jacob finally realizes that whole situation is bound with series of the unexplainable events and mysterious movie “The Great God Pan”, which causing suicides or madness because it contains inwardly lots of subliminal frames…  82 pages - pdf, format


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Mesmer
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don

At first; Hello to everybody
This script; THE TWO FACES OF FEAR, is written on my native language, Croatian, and later translated on English, so please be merciful, sorry for eventual grammatical and spelling errors, my sister and two friends were translating this script. Plenty of pop-cultural quotations are absurd and impossible to translate in English, they only can be understandable to people in my country, and some things lost its sense and raciness in translation, but I hope that you’ll catch the point of my script and I’m waiting for yours comments, critics and suggestions. I really need some feedbacks. And, please, if you find some bigger spelling or grammatical error, please, tell to me and I’ll retrieve it, before I send this script to agents, but when you will be read my script, I repeat one more time, please, be merciful!

Marko
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Soap Hands
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 3:34pm Report to Moderator
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After reading your synopsis I knew I had to try to read this...

I'm going to try to be merciful but this is the truth:
Before you even try to send this to an agent you either need a professional translator to translate it or you need to find a kind native English speaker thats willing to rewrite what you have here.

There are grammatical mistakes everywhere, you use a lot of words improperly. This made it hard for me to read and understand it.

I realize English isn't your native language,(considering thats its not, I'm actually impressed. I would never have the drive to translate something like this into another language) but your script is near unreadable in its present form. This needs to be fixed before you send it to an agent and frankly before I suspect most people here will read it.

Like I said before I had a hard time getting through it (and understanding some parts). I stopped after the first story, "Black Friday" so I'm only going to comment on that.  

I thought the premise (the various fears) seemed a little familiar, I  feel like I've seen it before but I'm not sure, so anyway I thought it felt a little unoriginal. The whole "the hero is actually the murder but has blocked it out due to psychological trauma" thing has been done a lot and I think has become cliche. That said, I do enjoy the reality versus dream theme, so I was on board from nearly the beginning.

Structurally, I think you should make clear that Jacobs has a fear of Friday the 13 earlier. Probably from the very beginning( you could work it into the first scene when he is going through all the fears, he could just mention that he has this fear and that it cripples him)  

I say this because in the scene where the Inspector is trying to get him to go to the school but he refuses he comes off like an ass. I think its important for the audience to like him rather then think he is a jerk. I think the effect of the revelation that the murder and him are the same person will will be stronger that way. I realize you do explain latter in the scene but I think its better before the scene so the audience doesn't get that negative first impression.

I also think you should tone down his fear of the 13. It seemed to me a little unbelivable to me that he would at least hesitate about saying "no, I won't help any of those students". This also has to do with his likability, which as I said before I think is important.

Another problem I had was that I found it to predictable. I seemed pretty clear to me that Jacob would be the murder about halfway through. I think this could work better if, 1. you did the fear of Friday the 13 speech in the class room at the beginning, so the student(potential suspect know about it) 2. Introduce, or make more clear that one of the, or multiple students in the beginning have a problem with him( motivation for maybe doing this) So anyway, it would act as a nice red herring (I think thats the proper term) to distract the audience from who the murderer really is.

I would have also like to see more of Jacobs fighting within himself about going to help or not. I think this would have created more tension, which I think would help your script. I also think it would help make the audience identify with Jacob better, which would be good.

I enjoyed the nightmare sequences, They kept me interested and they had some visuals that I think would be neat on film.

I think "Black Friday" could be polished into something pretty decent, although it would still be a little uninspired and unoriginal. The biggest problems for me were: 1. Too predictable who the murderer was 2. Jacob came off like an ass at fist 3. Wanted to see more of Jacob dealing with his dilemma of his fear and wanting to save the students.

Good show,

Your friendly neighborhood,

Sheepwalker    
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Mesmer
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you sheepwalker to your sugestions... I can't say that I everything understood when i was on-line, so, I copy this page and then I'll reading what you wrote... Reason why I sent this script on this site is that in my country nobody wants to produce horror or same genre movie... So, I slowly try to find my place under sun and connect with people like you, folks... Also I suggest you to finish my script if you want, because this two stories are connecting, and second forgo first... This script was actually came into existence when I was unite two stories PARASKAVEDEKATRIAPHOBIA or Fear of the Friday 13th and PANOPHOBIA or fear of everything... Those two stories are belong to series of seven episodes: Fear of friday 13th, Fear of the small things, Fear of the mirror, Fear of the cemetery, fear of the high-road, fear of the many things and fear of the everything...

So, in this way I'm appealing to someone who maybe wants to help me to wade my language barriers and help me with lots of phrases which aren't properly written... I also wrote other script NAKED NIGHTMARE about vampires but unusually movie about vampires, whole script is based on two things: : Richard Matheson’s novel “I am legend” and poem of William Butler Yeats “Second Coming”.  “Naked nightmare” belongs to horror genre, but first of all, it is story about loneliness, puberty and puberty suffering. In the second plan it is a story about vampire, but nowhere in script you cannot finds this word because it is replaced with words LAMPIRE or LAMPYERE, or even UPYR or VIEDOGONYA which is Serbian-Greek-Bosnian term for vampires. The movie should be record in BLACK AND WHITE, only the BLOOD and some other, in script specially noted, objects SHOULD BE IN RED COLOR.

So if somebody is minded to help me with language barriers I warmly waiting for him.

Thanks to everybody
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Mesmer
Posted: August 13th, 2007, 5:28pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for your advice Sheepwalker
I really need some suggestions like yours to make my script better, so I firstly came on this site and, this is very important, I’m still LEARNING HOW TO WRITE SCRIPT. I think that would be silly that in the start of my scriptwriting, this script be masterpiece of my life. Although TWO FACES OF FEAR isn’t my first script, I wrote totally 7 scripts till now; six for movies: my first work is “Antifurka” (closest translation will be Anti-diction), “Clint Eastwood,” “Whore, surgeon and South”, “Seventh round,” “Naked Nightmare” and finally “Two faces of fear” and one for documentary “It’s a dog movie” – in fact mondomockumentary of ours soccer-hooligans. I was cooperated and parley with few renowned Croatian movie-director and some producer. One of them get the urge to make movie by my script – to be accurately “Seventh round”, but there wasn’t enough money and thing has fallen apart, I repeat – I’m still learning, English and scriptwriting.

I agree with you that is predictive who is kidnapper, I’ve tried to convince the audience that custodian Freddy is the possible killer, but after “Haute tension”, “Fight club” and another movie with the, I cite you: "the hero is actually the murder but has blocked it out due to psychological trauma" the whole thing seems like cliché… BUT… In another story I believe that I wrote better story, much powerful and clearer. The title “Black Friday” is homage to Italian movie director Mario Bava and his two movies ‘’Black Sunday’’ and ‘’Black Sabbath’’ or on Italian THREE FACES OF FEAR… In the second part of story you also can find homage to this director but most other things and movie like per example: Altered states, Jacob’s Ladder, Cronenberg’s “Videodrome”, Exorcist, some Japanese horror movies, Friday the 13th serial, Nightmare on Elm Street serial, Carpenter’s “In mouth of madness”, and I think that “Black Friday” is maybe needlessly part of movie, but it is like some overture in the main story, and I think that would be shame that whole thing fall apart again because I don’t speak English language and in this f****** country nobody wants to invest money in some movie, only has recorded a drama about civil war between Croatia and Serbia.

It’s really b***** but I don’t want to stop my writing and ideas, I’ll hardly try and try and try and learning and grebem kao mačka. So, I really find myself in the movie world and if it necessary I’ll waiting for years to make by myself good scriptwriter, so folks, there I need your help, say what is good, what is bad, I’m really sorry because I cannot comment another scripts on this site; I understand them, but I couldn’t give a good suggestion, just one; don’t stop writing! I’m now only pupil, you are my teachers, your scripts, your suggestions, everything what you say to me, just everything.

Cheers
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KelterDai
Posted: January 1st, 2008, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Mesmer - Your script is not bad at all. Yes, there are some grammatical mistakes and other types of errors, but overall, the story is very enjoyable.  My advice to you is to find a good editor to fix your script.  As far as the actual plot of the story, it's great.  Characterization:  I know that Jacob is the main character, but we don't find out too much about him until page 14. It'd be nice to see MORE of him before we see him in the classroom.  Otherwise, it's hard to discern that he is your main character until the middle of the script.  Please give us more background information on his life at the BEGINNING of the script.

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Mesmer
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 1:53pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you KelterDai
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KelterDai
Posted: November 25th, 2008, 4:02pm Report to Moderator
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^^^ You emailed me about your "Berlin Wall" and believe it or not, it sounds like something right up my alley (meaning that I would love to read it). I came back to the forum to search for it, but haven't found it. Is it posted or is it a script that you have "in the works"?

PM me when you read this or send me another email!

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