Three-Dollar Bill by Antonio Gangemi (tony g) - Series - Dwight suspects that Oscar is not really gay.  Now he must find a way to reveal Oscar's true little secret, and help return some of the settlement money to Dunder-Mifflin.  Meanwhile, Jim and Pam try to figure out a way to make Andy leave for good. 28 pages - pdf, format

Is this is the pilot?

Hi ABSteel,

No, it's actually an episode for The Office.

Overall, a lot of the dialogue was pretty clever and funny, and some of the situations were creative.  I think you handled the Jim, Pam, Karen relationship really well.  That said, a lot of things didn't ring true with The Office.  In a spec script, you have to make sure that every character and situation sounds like something they would actually do on the show.

I don't think viewers will understand Dwight throwing air punches in the very beginning of the episode for no good reason.  Also, Dwight drives a Trans Am?  I'm going to have to change my spec.

Some of the script feels pretty random.  Michael comes in, says "That's what she said" does some karate chops, and then disappears from the scene.

For the record, I don't see Pam winking, ever.  I can't see Pam saying "Fuck yeah" either.  It just doesn't seem believable to me.

Dwight and Angela have always kept their relationship completely secret from the office.  I don't see them risking it by having a makeout session in the closet.

Interviewee 2's dialogue is pretty unbelievable, detailing the exact situation of Pam's life. You should make it more vague, perhaps using something other then "office-based setting" and "hard working receptionist".  Something that would still gives us an idea that it refers to Pam, I think it would work better.

Flashbacks have only been used once in The Office.  It's risky putting one in.

Maybe this is what you were going for, but the climax was WAY over the top.  Michael's striptease, Andy and Carissa, Gil jumping up and down on the bed.  The Office, in reality, is way more down to earth than that.  I really like the final Jim and Pam moment, though.

You should seperate you script into acts.  I would suggest Act 3 start right after "Ouch" on page 16.

Khaos,

Thanks for taking the time to review $3bill.  Sounds like we have some fundamental differences of opinion re: the show and that's fine.  

To begin with, when I consider some of the antics Dwight has pulled, such as putting on a helmet and chasing down a bat with a broom handle, throwing air punches in his Trans Am seems rather benign by comparison.  I can't say I know of every instance that Pam does/doesn't wink, but I can think of one off the top of my head; it takes place during the cold open of Casino Night, when she and Jim are pulling the wool over Dwight's eyes yet again.  

Do I think that Pam has a foul mouth, no; but do I believe that she may utter a curse word on rare occasion, yes.  To put it a different way, I find it more believable than the idea of her never swearing.  If you recall this past season, Dwight and Angela did make out, and Jim happened to catch it; it was at this point that Jim considered them even-Steven after Dwight rescued Jim from Roy by using the mace.

Re: Interviewee 2, I think you're right that the scene would play better if his dialogue was more vague, given that he would be entering the interview with the knowledge that he'd be working closely with Pam, whom he have to know is the receptionist.  Separating the script into acts is also a good idea.

As per your last point, I personally wouldn't regard The Office as "down to earth," but I imagine opinions would vary greatly on this topic.  When I stop to consider one show in particular - the one that dealt with race relations - wherein Michael placed sticky notes on the foreheads of the employees bearing different ethnicities, and asked them all to treat each person in accordance with that ethnicity, "down to earth" is not the first thing that comes to mind.

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read the script.  I'll be taking a look at Game Day in the very near future.

Best,

Tony

Quoted from Tony Gangemi Khaos, Thanks for taking the time to review $3bill.  Sounds like we have some fundamental differences of opinion re: the show and that's fine.   To begin with, when I consider some of the antics Dwight has pulled, such as putting on a helmet and chasing down a bat with a broom handle, throwing air punches in his Trans Am seems rather benign by comparison.  I can't say I know of every instance that Pam does/doesn't wink, but I can think of one off the top of my head; it takes place during the cold open of Casino Night, when she and Jim are pulling the wool over Dwight's eyes yet again.

Good points, but I still think you should give Dwight justification.  Does the audience know why Dwight is throwing air punches?

Quoted Text Do I think that Pam has a foul mouth, no; but do I believe that she may utter a curse word on rare occasion, yes.  To put it a different way, I find it more believable than the idea of her never swearing.  If you recall this past season, Dwight and Angela did make out, and Jim happened to catch it; it was at this point that Jim considered them even-Steven after Dwight rescued Jim from Roy by using the mace.

Good point, again.

I don't know about this. I'm a huge fan of the Office (both the BBC version and The American one) but it just didn't feel authentic to me.

While the characters are decidedly a bit more over the top in the American version, I think you went overboard into downright hysteria here. Several things just didn't fit. First of all the way Michael treats Dwight's suspicion of Oscar's 'ungayness'. Michael wouldn't feed into it like that; he wants to be appear tolerant, and while he thinks gays are yucky, he would never act on that impulse officially.
And the scheme to get him to admit he's not gay is just way over-the-top too, IMO. Michael wouldn't transport a bed into the Office just to appease Dwight's homophobia, even if he disguises it as investigation of fraud.

I think you got Dwight wrong too for the most part. Dialogue like:

"I am now of the opinion that Mister
Oscar is, in fact, un-gay." -------> I don't think he would say "Mister Oscar". He never has before, as far as I know.

"Your friend Oscar? Me thinks he's
straight." ---> sounds like something Andy would say. And actually later in the script he does do the "Me" part.

"Relevance, Your Honor."  ---> Dwight wouldn't say "your Honor". that sounds like something eith Michael or Andy would say.

Also I agree with the other poster about Pam's "fuck". Now under the right circumstances, Pam might slip an f-bomb but not as a talking head directly to the camera as a response to someone else swearing. It just can't see that happen in any time continuum.

And finally Michael's strip-tease is just completely incongruous with the tone of the show, IMO. Michael is stupid in a lot of ways, but he's not retarded. Why would he do a strip-tease in the Office?

I would lose the theme music from Brokeback Mountain and TGTBATU as well. Since this si still supposed to be a mocumentary (even though the show hardly tries to keep that illusion anymore) that music would be tagged on in editing, and they've never done that before, have they?

And I don't think Oscar would actually bring Gil to work just because Dwight says so.

So this really didn't work for me on any level, neither authenticity nor the jokes. I've really liked what you've done in the past; your original work, but I think you got the Office wrong in this script. I did like Jim and Pam in this episode, but your finale is just too good to be true. I know the temptation there is to end with Jim and Pam hooking up, but it's something you kinda have to resist to keep the sexual tension going.

Anyways, you're still a very talented writer, but this just didn't work for me.

Death Monkey,

I do appreciate your opinion.  I don't think I would go so far as to say that our view of the show differs completely, but I think it's safe to say that it did for this episode.

As you could tell, I didn't shy away from utilizing "exaggeration."  Was it excessive?  There's a sticky wicket if I ever heard one.  When Michael turns the dial up on crazy, I personally feel that's when he's at his strongest.  As for the motive behind the strip tease, it was aimed at flushing Oscar out, so to speak.  To create a scenario so over-the-top and uncomfortable, that Oscar would have no choice but to come clean.  And for that reason alone, I would hope that his antics would not be viewed as superfluous, as much as necessary to achieve his objective.  Not everyone might concur.

Chances are, the Brokeback Theme wouldn't happen.  I kept it in mainly because I thought it conveyed the mood of that moment, and that it simply would be funny on screen (I pictured the celebration happening in slow-mo).  I also felt it would be a good twist to the 2 previous whistling trills of The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

Although the episode didn't work for you, I want to say thanks for taking the time to read it.  

Tony

Ps. For the record, I'm quite fond of Pam.  Even with the f-bomb.  

Hey I'm down with Pam talking dirty, I just don't think she would to the camera. But yeah I'm fond of Pam as well. I'd be good for her. I just know I would!

Damn you, James Gunn...

It was cool to see a spec script for The Office (a favorite show of mine) here on SS, so I decided to give it a read (a bit late I know).

Here are some crits/comments:

- I understood Dwight throwing air punches but I'm not sure it was called for here, but that's debatable. I don't think he would need to psyche himself up like that for just an average workday.

- Oscar is a Metallica fan? Gay or not, that doesn't seem to jibe with his character as we've seen him in the series so far, IMO. I understand you need something to provoke Dwight's suspicion, but I don't think this is best. Perhaps Dwight catches Oscar "flirting" with a woman, or something like that.

- I got Michael's "that what she said" after Dwight's "hardly" (and thought it was funny), but having Michael pop in and out of the scene like that just for one joke is too sitcom-y. I get the kung fu bit as Michael celebrating his "joke landing", but not the sales rep thing afterward.  It would work if that Asian sales rep was an established character, but he/she's not. Michael would more likely hang around and intrude on Dwight and Kelly's conversation.

- I like Dwight's first talking head actually, very Dwight-like. Death Monkey mentioned the "Mister Oscar" line, and I halfway agree. I hear Dwight saying "Mister" but more likely he would say "Mister Oscar Martinez" rather than just "Mister Oscar".

- All the above takes place in the cold open, which I believe is much too long. I think a longer version of the Oscar/Dwight parking lot scene would be a better cold open.

- Pam's PM name is "Dances With Crazys"? I don't get that. And that whole conversation seems like it should take place at Pam's desk anyway.

- Khaos' problem with Pam's wink is not a problem for me. Clearly, it's not a flirtatious wink at Jim, but rather a wink agreeing to whatever plan Jim has come up with to mess with Andy.

- The suit from "Ann Taylor" is an unnecessary call-back to Michael accidentally wearing a woman's suit, IMO.

- Overall, I like the interaction between Michael and Dwight when Dwight mentions Oscar's "fraud". It was funny and pretty much on character, a little less so for Dwight though (as Death Monkey mentioned).

- Karen's "fountain of tears" was over the top.

- the "whistling trill of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly" seems out of place. It fits the situation, but it's the kind of thing done for comic effect that just isn't done on the show.

- "Andy stops surfing porn"? Obviously, that's not something you could show. I'm assuming you are writing this as if it was meant to be produced, right?

- The whole bit with Dwight and Angela having sex in the closet is way out of character, especially for Angela. I don't recall them even kissing at the office yet.

- I have to agree, Pam's "Fuck yeah" is out of character, but she says it in reference to Carissa, so it works (I think, I'm not sure about that one).

- Dwight insisting on a "bring your boyfriend to work day" is absurd. But so is Dwight. If he suggested that, surely someone would mention that not everyone has a "boyfriend". Perhaps Michael could then correct him and order a "bring your (in)significant other to work day".

- I don't think anything Dwight would say or do would make everyone think he meant the workday was over, he doesn't have that kind of authority.

- Carrisa's introduction to Jim, Karen and Phyllis is done too quickly, in fact, it's not done at all. The viewer needs to actually see and hear the introductions, they wouldn't be reading the script. Anyway, you're missing out on potential humor there.

- Karen "mocking" Jim by spinning in her chair and Jim somehow "despairing" over it doesn't make much sense to me.

- The flashback to the art gallery in unnecessary. Fans would remember Gil's comments, I think. I did.

- Why is Dwight wearing a bow tie?

- The ending doesn't work at all. In any way. The gay party, the strip tease, Oscar admitting he's not gay, all of it. It just doesn't fit the show or make any sense, IMO. The idea of Dwight questioning Oscar's "gayness" is a good one, really, but I think it should resolve itself in a very different way. Seriously, just scrap the last 8 pages, and the ideas within them, and rewrite.

I know that's a harsh way to end this critique, but it's fair I think. There's a lot of good stuff here, but the ending ruins it. I think your grasp on the characters is about 50/50 but your grasp of the feel of the show is not quite so good - yet.

I'd really like to read a rewrite though, as you clearly have some funny stuff in this draft. Good luck!

Thanks for the read and the comments, Pete.  

You're not the first person to have a problem with Dwight throwing air punches - not sure why this is an issue for some because Dwight has shown instances of great (and inane/insane) physicality; I recall one episode where he was doing a ritual of some sort in the stairwell of the office building.  But that's neither here nor there.  

Personally, I don't think it's out of the realm of possibility for Oscar to be a Metallica fan.  But I would agree that flirting may have worked better simply because it would have been visual.  

When you mention that the Asian sales rep appears out of place and would work better if they were an established character, I disagree.  While it's true that they were placed there to serve the joke, I personally feel it's an effective way of hammering home just how bizarre and backwards things really are at The Office - by bringing in people off the street and putting them face-to-face with wild and wacky Michael.

I think reducing the cold open by half a page is a good idea.  While Jim's conversation with Pam could've happened at her desk, I thought I would try something different by utilizing instant messenger.  As for her handle "Dances With Crazys," not sure why you found that problematic; I chose it because I thought it tied in well with the idea of Andy being nuts, and Jim and Pam wanting him out.  

You mention Michael's "Ann Taylor" suit as being an unnecessary call-back.  Truth be told, the script was written before the episode aired, and yes, I almost went through the TV.  Were Karen's "fountain of tears" over the top?  I could probably go either way on that one.  I do see her as more emotional than what meets the eye, but then again, she was really into that shoot 'em up video game.  

I would agree that the whistling trill from TGTBATU would have struck the wrong chord if it was imposed over the scene, but once you realize that the music is actually emanating from Andy's snazzy new cell phone, I think it actually fits.  

I feel that Andy surfing porn is in alignment with his character; his comment re: Jan's risque photo leads me to think so.  I do think there's a way of showing a porn site w/o showing anything xxx on the screen; Michael and Ryan walking through the porn shop where nearly the entire screen was blurred comes to mind.  

I didn't mean to suggest that actual sex had taken place in the closet, but with all the rumbling and Dwight's zipper being down, I can see how you might reach that conclusion.  And yes, Dwight and Angela have kissed in the office; I mention this in an earlier post.  

I think Michael intervening on Dwight's announcement of Bring Your Boyfriend to Work Day - to include significant others - would definitely work, as it would potentially add further complications.  While it's true that Dwight, as #3 ranking official, would not have the authority to dismiss everyone, his actual statement was: Class dismissed.  It's the presumption of all the office workers that yields the mass exodus.  

I did glaze over Carissa's introduction to Jim, Karen and Phyllis; that would need to be addressed in a rewrite.  I personally liked the spinning Karen; the idea of her mocking Jim's action physically, while revealing the hurt/jealousy that comes with having to accept that Jim's interests lie with Pam, and not her.  

I wasn't sure everyone would remember the comment Gil made at the art gallery, so I chose to include the flashback.  I gave Dwight the bow tie because I thought it would: 1) match the tux, and 2) contribute to the idea of he and Michael putting on a show.

Lastly, Oscar being outed as un-gay could have been handled in a number of ways.  I chose this particular way as it allowed for the secondary storyline to resolve itself; Andy choosing to respond - in an un-angry fashion (maybe he did learn something in Anger Management) - and in the process, removing himself from the office and out of Jim and Pam's hair for good.  Is it over the top?  Hell yeah.  Would it work on a show like The Office?  A million people polled would reveal roughly a million opinions.

Thanks again for the read.

Cheers,

Tony

Quoted from Tony Gangemi Thanks for the read and the comments, Pete.   You're not the first person to have a problem with Dwight throwing air punches - not sure why this is an issue for some because Dwight has shown instances of great (and inane/insane) physicality; I recall one episode where he was doing a ritual of some sort in the stairwell of the office building.  But that's neither here nor there.

The problem for me is context. When Dwight in the past has thrown punches or whatever it has been in preparing for something big. He gets amped up in the stairwell before his review and asking for a raise, and he throws punches in the car before a big sales call.

I don't understand why he would amp himself up for a normal day of work. I think the danger of the American show, with OTT characters such as Dwight, is that you might start think of him as "Crazy Dwight" who doesn't need a reason to do something stupid/strange. But I think you need to preserve believable causation.

the throwing punches bit is a non-issue for me.  I will give my honest opinion here.  I loved the line to Kelly from Dwight "What do Homosexual men listen to?  Music-wise."  That is a true Dwightism.  However, the set up is not to my liking.  Kelly's character is more passive aggressive and she would not show that much hostility to Dwight even if he sits on Tom's face.

(pauses) = (beat)

What is "Dances with Crazies" a reference to?  It should be a reference to something in the past known to the viewers, right?  No, really I'm asking.

A new snazzy phone would not have dust on it.

Looking at the set up, I would have wrote it in this order:

Dwight would have come to Michael first, then Michael would call in a expert, like Kelly.  This would engage Michael into the story.  Make him want to find out as much as Dwight.  Michael likes to be in charge.

IMO, Karen would never cry for the camera, especially a Talking Head.  She would talk to everyone she could about it, again, and again, and again. Phyllis would then have a talking head explaining how sick she is of hearing about Jim.

Also, before Karen's talking head you should at the very least have her looking in Pam and Jim's direction -- a glare, a solemn look, etc.  Something to show the audience that she is still around and still has feelings for Jim before there is a Talking Head.

Michael and Dwight seem to have the same voice at times -- same hokey sayings, etc.  

How would we know that someone is into self-loathing and self-worship before we hear them talk?  That is something you show through dialogue.

Where did Angela go?  When does she reappear?  How?

Dwight doesn't do impressions, except on Halloween.

When starting a new day or a previous day you need to add to the HEADER:

INT. OFFICE - DAY 2

Why would Jim be in overwhelming despair over Karen?  He has PAM.

Anway, these are just my thoughts on what can be done to make the script better and my opinion.  take it for what is worth, if anything.  i am not an expert writer but know a thing or two.  if you want extra help, PM me.  I hope some of it helps.  



Later,  keep writing.  it is a process.

Fivescript,

Thanks for the read.  Definitely some good points that I think would make the story stronger.

I personally see passive-aggressive as a characteristic that I would attribute more to Angela than to Kelly.  I see Kelly as highly superficial and someone who lives very close to the surface.  For instance, she tells Pam that her speech on the beach was Pathetic-ville, and she wasn't shy about telling Sea Monster that he weighs close to a thousand pounds.  I don't see her as someone who's prone to pulling punches.  Conversely, Angela I think would be more of a schemer.  This, of course, is a matter of opinion, and yours may differ from mine.

Pam's IM handle is something I thought up.  It's not a reference to anything in particular, and for that reason alone, I can see how it would be a problem for some.  But do I feel that her character is apt to think that a few of her comrades might have a screw loose?  Yes.

I like the order you suggested for the opening scenes.  Calling Kelly into Michael's office as sort of an expert witness is both believable, and in keeping with her past dealings with Oscar.

I tried to make Dwight's voice - as well as other character's voices - as unique as possible.  Can you think of a specific hokey saying that I gave to Michael which you feel would only be spoken by Dwight, or vice versa?  There are times, IMO, when Michael and Dwight appear to be 2 peas in a pod, like when Oscar called in sick and the two of them are trying to figure out whether or not he's fooling.  But I would still want to know if their behavior as a unit causes their voices to blur a bit too much.

I personally think the description I gave to Carissa can precede her actually speaking.  In fact, that's the case for most of my characters, truthfully.  One description that I particularly enjoy is given to Melvin Udall in As Good as it Gets:

"Well past 50... unliked, unloved, unsettling. A huge pain in the ass to everyone he's ever met."

And this description precedes him uttering a single word.  I think it just helps to paint a picture of the character you're envisioning.

I think it's wise to address what became of Angela, since the point was made that she's in hiding in much of the episode.  As for Dwight only doing impressions on Halloween, I do recall an episode where he does an unflattering impression of Jim, and to the best of my knowledge, it's an ordinary workday (the one where Jim does a priceless impression of Dwight during the cold open).

Re: the Talking Head of Jim where he doesn't say a word.  The overwhelming despair I indicated was meant to convey Jim's reaction to the scenario itself - meaning his plan with Pam to push Andy out may have backfired since he and Carissa together seem to be twice the trouble, and Karen doing revolutions in her chair only added to his sense of chaos.

Thanks again for the read.

Best,

Tony

Dwight doing impressions -- yes, he did a horrible impression of Jim in a Tag.  One thing to consider..  it was a horrible attempt.  maybe place in a parenthesis (attempt as John Wayne).  Impressions are usually from Michael Scott..  however, Jim had an episode too where he did impressions of his office peers -- good episode.  But by far, Michael is the usually the impressionist.

This may be one of the reasons I wrote the two voices are close.  Maybe, you're write about they sometimes are two pes in a pod but I think Dwight tends to only repeat and correct what Michael is saying.  He usually wouldn't say it before him.  Just my opinion.

Kelly picks her times to be passive agressive.  Actually her character has the ability to change from week to week.  One week she is setting up Ryan because Stanley's daughter is into him, the next she calling someone a seamonster.  The way I usually handle her is if she is provoked or thinks something is unfair, then she outbursts with a slick one liner (never a full conversation of mean).  But if not provoked, she is more likely to do something more passive aggressive, like Angela (who also picks her battles too).  Angela and Kelly are closely related in how they deal with situations...I think that is why they hate each other so much.  Another example of passive aggressive for her is when Pam asks her to come to her art exibit.  Anyway, we are both right...  however, of course I side with my own opinion of her character.

Well, there you have it.

Oh and the As Good As It Gets example -- I still think that can be shown in the dialogue.  But hey whatever floats a writer's boat.  I just try to avoid telling the reader untangible characteristics unless absolutely needed.