Oblivion by James McClung - Short, Drama - A troubled young man contemplates life, death, and the consequences of a decision that will hurt his loved ones. 7 pages - pdf, format

Hey James.

This is a very emotional piece you have here. I absolutely loved the dialogue. Specially the line "You can't be afraid of nothing". It's very character-driven too, which is hard to do in 7 pages.

Nick and Amy at times seemed a bit too intellectual for eighteen year-olds, but considering the current situation, I can understand why they acted so mature.

I like how we're left in the dark when he does what he does. Just like his friends and family. However, I felt what he did as extremely predictable. Then again, that might've been your intention.

All in all a quick, enjoyable read.

--Julio

Sad, but true.

I would like to know what factors are driving Nick to this decision. He feels that it's drastic enough to take this action, but without knowing the driving force behind it, it's rather shallow. Did his mom not bring the Pepsi?

Amy would also be rather hysterical at this point if she really cared about Nick, trying desparately to appeal to anything left. Instead, she just gives up on him and leave him to his own devices.

Nick's mom appears perfectly nice, offering a cup of tea. Why is this kid so keen to make her suffer? It appears she wants to break through, but he won't let her. If he's this dark and sullen, he would have probably cursed at her as he walked by her room, which he is doing by his actions anyway.

Perhaps he is, in his logic, trying to prove that he is not afraid of anything, of which, according to his character, is far from the truth, as he is afraid of a great many things (being Honest with his mom, with Amy, himself). Hard to say.

It's a good short, accurate and a sad commentary on something that happens far too often to way too many kids.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper Hey James. This is a very emotional piece you have here. I absolutely loved the dialogue. Specially the line "You can't be afraid of nothing". It's very character-driven too, which is hard to do in 7 pages. Nick and Amy at times seemed a bit too intellectual for eighteen year-olds, but considering the current situation, I can understand why they acted so mature. I like how we're left in the dark when he does what he does. Just like his friends and family. However, I felt what he did as extremely predictable. Then again, that might've been your intention. All in all a quick, enjoyable read. --Julio

Thanks for the read, Julio. From your comments, I feel like I did a lot of things right. This was my first serious attempt at drama and an attempt to develop a story and characters in a relatively short period of time. I also tried to do something more of the opposite of what screenwriters are supposed to do, which is keep things in the dark (as opposed to spelling out a character's motives).

I never thought about the characters sounding too intellectual. I just decided to make them eighteen due to the fact that it's within the age range of most people who commit suicide. In any case, I think some eighteen year olds can be smarter than others. I guess that's my answer to the comment.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Sad, but true. I would like to know what factors are driving Nick to this decision. He feels that it's drastic enough to take this action, but without knowing the driving force behind it, it's rather shallow. Did his mom not bring the Pepsi? Amy would also be rather hysterical at this point if she really cared about Nick, trying desparately to appeal to anything left. Instead, she just gives up on him and leave him to his own devices. Nick's mom appears perfectly nice, offering a cup of tea. Why is this kid so keen to make her suffer? It appears she wants to break through, but he won't let her. If he's this dark and sullen, he would have probably cursed at her as he walked by her room, which he is doing by his actions anyway. Perhaps he is, in his logic, trying to prove that he is not afraid of anything, of which, according to his character, is far from the truth, as he is afraid of a great many things (being Honest with his mom, with Amy, himself). Hard to say. It's a good short, accurate and a sad commentary on something that happens far too often to way too many kids.

Thanks for the read, Blakkwolfe.

You brought up some good points in your review. I myself, and probably any committed reader, would have pointed out some of the same things. However I did intend for some of these comments to come my way and did have my reasoning.

First off, I wanted to keep Nick's motive completely in the dark. As he says in his dialogue, most ordinary people don't understand why people commit suicide. It's two different thought processes and neither can really get through to the other. I wanted to write a character who understood that and applied it to his own suicide. I honestly didn't have a reason in the back of my mind but I can say it has nothing to do with his loved ones. In real life cases, the victims often had a lot of people who loved them but went through with their plans anyway. People are free to speculate.

I should probably point out that the main source of inspiration for this was the documentary The Bridge about people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge and the impact their actions had on their families. It was a really good documentary and I learned a lot of aspects about real life suicides that don't seem to get a lot of attention. In many cases, there were friends and family members of victims who had been forced to deal with their depression for a long time, often years. Some of them decided in the end that their depressed loved ones could never learn to be happy and wouldn't suffer anymore if they were dead. Hence, they allowed the suicide to take place. I tried to incorporate this into Amy's character.

I'm glad you thought the story was accurate. I think that people who commit suicide are sort of stereotyped in both movies and real life. I'd say most of them involve people who attempt or rather talk about committing suicide rather than people who actually go through with it. I think the two are very different and I tried to show that and a lot of other sides to the issue that aren't commonly recognized.

Thanks again for the reads, guys.

I've been working on a feature that deals with the subject, so I was drawn to this.

Anyway, the dialogue, imo, had a kind of clinical feel to it. Nick, obviously, has given the idea of killing himself a lot of thought. That said, I understand him being more analytical. But Amy I'd expect to be more emotional, more distressed. She doesn't, in any real way, attempt to stop him -- she just wants to know when it's over.

That's fine, but it prompts the question, why? Why is she willing to allow Nick to take his life? Is she too, on some level, depressed? Does she share Nicks attitudes, if not his willingness to act on 'em?

Many of Nick's lines rang true. For example, the idea that his death will, ultimately, bring comfort to his loved ones.  This is exactly what many suicidal people believe. Also, I like the fact that the television and CDs are missing from his room -- I assume he's given them away in preparation for his death.

I like that Nick doesn't reveal the reason(s) he wants to die. Perhaps he, himself, doesn't know why. Whatever the case, some things are difficult to articulate. And, further, it's true to life -- often we don't know why those who leave us leave us.

Quoted from Blakkwolfe Did his mom not bring the Pepsi?

"All I wanted was a Pepsi! Just one Pepsi!"

Seth

I thought Nick had been telling Amy what he was about to do for some time, to the point where she just knew he wouldn't change his mind.

hmmm, it was pretty good, well worth the read. the dialogue was either well thought out, or you have a great mind for it.

The feeling from the script is very hidden, yet sublime.

it could easily be made into a full-length script, but It's rather amazing either way

Quoted from Seth I like that Nick doesn't reveal the reason(s) he wants to die. Perhaps he, himself, doesn't know why. Whatever the case, some things are difficult to articulate. And, further, it's true to life -- often we don't know why those who leave us leave us.

That, right there, just about nails what I was going for.

Quoted from ReaperCreeper I thought Nick had been telling Amy what he was about to do for some time, to the point where she just knew he wouldn't change his mind.

That is correct, sir.

Quoted from Braksnen hmmm, it was pretty good, well worth the read. the dialogue was either well thought out, or you have a great mind for it. The feeling from the script is very hidden, yet sublime. it could easily be made into a full-length script, but It's rather amazing either way

Thanks for the read, Braksnen.

Did you know that the theme for this script (oblivion) is part of the core beliefe for Buddhism. So the concept of no reward of eternity in heaven or even an afterlife for that matter is hardly shocking for a lot of people.

This was a well written script with a superb use of minimal dialouge (I think subtext is the technical term) that keeps the plot moving by not revealing anything. Which is much realistic because obviously the pair have had this conversation many times and so they're  not going to blurt out exposition explaining why he wants to die and what is making him so miserable.

James...great script.... I did enjoy the dialog alot and felt it truly came from the heart. Most of my thoughts have already been posted by the others and I read your comments and understand where you were coming from. Anyways, great script and a terrific tear jerker. You truly do know how to write in all genres...

Being from the suicide capitol of the planet, Sweden, I know so many people that have done this that I have actually lost track. It's probably 20+ people.

James, I think this is the best script I've ever read from you. I think you did a really great job. Why not tidy it up some by shortening some of the dialogue in the beginning to keep it at an even 5 pages then enter it to Gimme Credit's supershort competition? This would also be easy for someone to film.

I sensed the darkness immediately from the get go, but at first I wasn't 100% sure what exactly he was going to do.

Like I said earlier, I think some of the dialogue in the beginning can be trimmed some to make it a little tighter.

If I had to complain about anything it would be that I thought his mom went back to sleep too easily. Didn't she sense anything wrong at all? If my son did that to me, I'd know right away something was up.

Anyway, I think you did really well with this one. Since there was a flashback in it, you can even enter it into MoviePoet's August competition. It's due tomorrow at midnight. Check it out http://www.moviepoet.com

Good luck James!

Thanks for the reads, guys.

Quoted from tonkatough Did you know that the theme for this script (oblivion) is part of the core beliefe for Buddhism. So the concept of no reward of eternity in heaven or even an afterlife for that matter is hardly shocking for a lot of people.

True. Still, the idea is definitely shocking to the majority of Western civilization, I'd say. Most Western religions seem to suggest that if you live a good life, you get rewarded in the afterlife. So yeah, oblivion is definitely a scary concept to a lot of people. I thought it was a very important theme for this story though. I think people who commit suicide have to believe in oblivion since the idea of an afterlife after suicide is pretty ugly even if you don't have any religious beliefs.

Quoted from tomson Being from the suicide capitol of the planet, Sweden, I know so many people that have done this that I have actually lost track. It's probably 20+ people. James, I think this is the best script I've ever read from you. I think you did a really great job. Why not tidy it up some by shortening some of the dialogue in the beginning to keep it at an even 5 pages then enter it to Gimme Credit's supershort competition? This would also be easy for someone to film. I sensed the darkness immediately from the get go, but at first I wasn't 100% sure what exactly he was going to do. Like I said earlier, I think some of the dialogue in the beginning can be trimmed some to make it a little tighter. If I had to complain about anything it would be that I thought his mom went back to sleep too easily. Didn't she sense anything wrong at all? If my son did that to me, I'd know right away something was up. Anyway, I think you did really well with this one. Since there was a flashback in it, you can even enter it into MoviePoet's August competition. It's due tomorrow at midnight. Check it out http://www.moviepoet.com Good luck James!

Thanks for the read, Pia. I'll take a look at MoviePoet competition. If I can edit this down to five pages, I'll give the GimmeCredit competition a shot although I think you might be right about the mother going back to sleep to easily. I might actually have to extend the script if I'm to fix that. Anyway, thanks for the suggestions.

Also, I definitely wrote this intent on making it something cheap and easy to film. After the success some of these other guys have seen on this site, I figured I'd take a shot at something similar. I think it's also a good skill for a screenwriter to have in general. I might even film it myself while I'm still in school and have the resources.

Hey James,

This was an emotional piece with great description and great diagloue. I felt automatcially that these characters were alive.

I only question Amy's dialgoue: "Just let me know somehow..." Is this in reference to Nick leaving a message or something before he dies that lets Amy know he went through the suicide?

I agree with Pia that the mom should have figured out something wrong with Nick. Moms are not that complacent.  

Gabe

Hey James, it’s a bold move for a horror guy to move into the drama genre. But you did fine.

I like dark pieces. I like “unhappy” endings. So, as you can imagine, I enjoyed the atmosphere you created here. You chose a delicate subject yet you managed to develop it in quite a respectful manner.

While the outcome of the story may seem predictable, I sense that it was your intention to focus on the emotional consequences of the events rather than in their unpredictability. Having that in mind, I find it hard to point out anything of major relevance to work on in future drafts.

Amy’s reaction (or lack thereof) to Nick’s plan was the only hard pill to swallow within the story. I think she would try to stop him (by herself or by calling his parents or the authorities) I’m not saying her reaction couldn’t possibly happen, but this is indeed a tough sell for the audience. That’s the only detail I would look into.

Good job, man. Hope this helps.