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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Incantations Moderators: bert
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  Author    Incantations  (currently 2494 views)
Don
Posted: September 7th, 2007, 5:51pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Incantations by Michel J. Duthin - Horror - Jodi, a 13-year old anorexic girl has lost her mother. She moves out with her father and finds in her new house an incantation book. With its help, she is now convinced she would be able to bring back her mother from the dead. 105 pages - pdf, format


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 7th, 2007, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Michel; Started reading Incantations.

Assuming English isn't your first language, I'm not going to say too much about the grammar and phrasing, some of which is very awkward.

However, I'm at page 20 and am liking the story aspect so far. Plan to finish reading it this weekend.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 9th, 2007, 5:24pm Report to Moderator
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On a whole, it was OK. Too many spelling and phrasing errors to get into here..

Some name changes...Conelly is swapped with Crowley, Linzi (Lindsay?) is swapped Erika on a few occasions, and the cop Rizzo is LedZep (which is a cool name, and i would've liked it if that was just his given nickame)

Characters...Hmmm. Jodi was ok, but for a manically depressed anorexic she seemed awfully happy, singing and twirling around at a few points. Also pretty handy at laying carpet...She seemed to old to be 13...16/17 might have been a better age for her.

Leif was simply there. Mrs.Sanderson was OK as someone who may have had some insight and really care about Jodi, outside of the whole demonic alphabet thing. Girls anorexic. Major problem. This teacher should be helping her with that, counseling and that sort of thing. I understand her dad felt powerless in dealing with the problem, but he seemed to have given up on her, which a parent should never do.

13 is still, in my opinion, a little young to leave a girl home by herself, especially for four days.

Story set in Providence? Why not set it Paris? That would make her English a bit more forgivable, and would add some atmophere to the story. There is no atmosphere in Providence. It's Boston Junior.  

The demon aspect with the trunk, the vortex in the floor, it's been done and there really wasn't anything terribly original about it.  Had there been a romantic interest between Jodi and Shub, that might throw a different wrinkle onto the story. Demons can be good lookin, too...(Elizabeth Hurley comes to mind). She'd have to be older though.

Have some heavy blocks of description. Dialogue was alright, but rather predictable and a little dull.

No idea what "Batrachian" is...Frog-like is easier to visualize, although a good word. Ralph vociferates. Another $2 word. Shouts, yells, howls...all good substititues.

The large handprints on the dead milkman were a bit confusing. Did she morph in Shugs form? I thought it was still Jodi walking around, albiet like a sleepwalker.

I don't think Doctors make housecalls anymore. Maybe if he were a family friend, but otherwise, nope. Nor would the door guys just show up with a mess of doors without measuring first and getting a deposit, contract, all that good stuff.

Magic Marker tatoos are hokey. Should have given them the real thing, then they would have been cool. Magic marker would come off with a little sweat anyways, expecially wearing warm winter coats in a New England winter.  

The action is Ok in the final battle, but again the big, wordy descriptions slow it down quite a bit...

So, I'd have to say story wise its alright, but nothing spectacular. The grammar and formatting errors may have stopped a Hollywood reader on pg 1, however I do wish you good luck and hope this is helpful for you.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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michel
Posted: September 11th, 2007, 6:07am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Blakkwolfe for caring.

In fact I'm trapped in a da*n major problem. Language is for me a barrier I can't get through and its spoils my scripts. I do my best efforts to write a perfect English with all the tools I have. I'm sure I have good ideas but I can't get through as good as I would because of my English.  

I'm aware this story needs a lot more to be good, but I definitely think this is a good basis. I tried to make it as simple as possible (a few characters, 5 locations, etc...) Each character does exist. Jodi is not just a manically depressed anorexic girl. She's simply sad because she misses her mother. About aneroxia, an anorexic person decoys everyone around her/him pretending everything's fine and CAN be happy. The only moment Jodi is ahppy is when she's home alone.

Quote "13 is still, in my opinion, a little young to leave a girl home by herself, especially for four days."
Jodi is smart and seems to be used of this kind of situation.

Providence/Paris: Providence is a tribute to H.P. Lovecraft. Paris doesn't have any Gothic atmosphere (I lived there for 20 years). I hate those kinds of movies (i.e. Flyboys) set in France where erybody talks in English. Frenchman generally speaks ONLY French.  

in fact this is not a vortex where the demons are coming from but simply a deep hole down to the earth's core. Maybe I missed my description. My goal was not to be very original but to deliver an interesting story with an original main character.

Anyway, thanks again. It shows me the way to make it better.

Michel


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michel
Posted: September 18th, 2007, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Two more points I forgot:

About Paris. You're not the only one to tell me to write about Paris or even France. To add a point to what I said before, the costs to shoot in France are very high. Authorizations of shooting in Paris are crazy. You even have to pay to shoot the Eiffel Tower. I can't tell you the mess it was to shoot Ronin or Da Vinci Code. For the last one, President Chirac has to involve himself to permit the shooting. Even Spielberg shot Private Ryan in Ireland (I think) because the costs were too high.

Second point. that story was made to be as cheaper as possible. I always keep in mind that point. I did write gigantic scripts (ie 79AD-Pompeii) and realized (except if I was a known screenwriter) nobody would read it or even make it. Two days after I submitted that script I had an email from a producer. Believe me guys, budget matters. Even for the shorts.

Michel


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mgj
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 7:20pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Michel (or should I say bonjour).

I think you succeeded in creating an interesting character to build your story around.  Jodi is a likable lead and Leif is a sympathetic character as well.  Ralph was a bit of an enigma - at times distant, other times a caring, devoted father.  His helplessness does serve the story, however perhaps he switches too easily from being distance one moment and then caring the next.  It was a little tough to get a read on him.  Perhaps empahsize his helpless side a little more, make his behaviour more consistent.

The story treads on familiar territory but you created enough mystery and suspense (the glowing trunk, the diary and incantations, etc) that it held my interest throughout.  I think fans of the genre would get a kick out of it.

As a francophone your English is very good.  I had no trouble following along with anything you've written.  Occasionally your grammar is a bit off and your dialogue sounds a little on the nose in certain spots but, honestly, this is easily remedied if you can get someone to edit this for you.  In short, I don't believe language should be a barrier for you.

I'm not sure Mrs. Sanderson would allow Jodi to go back into the house to confront Shub.  Being an ardent believer in the lengend, it's unlikely she'd allow a young girl to place herself in harms way.  I know she did object to her request initially, however I think a firmer hand in this instance would be more appropriate.  Perhaps you could have Jodi defy her teacher and sneak into the house behind her back.  That might be a more believable scenario.

This brings us to the climatic showdown in the basement.  I think this could be condensed somewhat.  That sort of frenzied activity should happen in the blink of an eye.   Jodi performs certain physical feats of strength here that a 13-yr-old simply would not be able to do.  A better senario would be to have her heroism spring from her inner metal - strength of character as opposed to any physical attributes she may poccess.  Leif, as well, seems to disappear at this crucial moment in the story.  You might want to include him in the battle.  

Other than that, I think you have a solid basis for a compelling story.  Like I said - I think you have strong, likable characters and enough mystery and suspense that movies of this genre require.  Good luck, er bonne chance.


-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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michel
Posted: September 26th, 2007, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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salut Mike,

First, thank you for your interesting comments. As you'd have guessed, this is the first draft. Many things could be (will be?) changed but I have to pause things a bit first before throwing myself in a second draft. That's how I always handled my scripts.

About Leif, you're right. But, logically, he has nothing to do down in the basement. His interaction had to be a surprise (I hope it was one).

About Jodi's behaviour down the basement, even if she still has some of Shub-Niggurath's powers in her, she shouldn't be some Matrix-like character. You're right on this point too. But she cannot be anymore the victim as along the story. She might be strong-minded, but remember she's only 13.


Quoted from mgj
The story treads on familiar territory

I perfectly know from the start I was on a familiar territory, that's why I considered first my characters. I tried to make them solid and play with clichés (I know there are still some anyway).


Quoted from mgj
Ralph was a bit of an enigma - at times distant, other times a caring, devoted father.  His helplessness does serve the story, however perhaps he switches too easily from being distance one moment and then caring the next.  It was a little tough to get a read on him.  

Ralph is in fact the character I like the more because I'm a father myself. It's true sometimes you feel totally disarmed and helpless in front of your child, and other times caring. I frankly wouldn't know what to do if I were in Ralph's shoes.


Quoted from mgj
I'm not sure Mrs. Sanderson would allow Jodi to go back into the house to confront Shub.  Being an ardent believer in the legend, it's unlikely she'd allow a young girl to place herself in harms way.  

As Mrs Sanderson says to her brother, she's at first totally lost in front of Jodi's case. There's a lot of difference between studying occult and dealing with it. That's why she acts that way. If you consider every character in this story, you should know they all show their weakness, just like everyday people.

Anyway, Mike, merci for this interesting analysis and I'm glad it did entertain you. That was my first goal.

Michel


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dresseme
Posted: January 4th, 2010, 9:38pm Report to Moderator
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michel,

As stated by previous posters, it would take a bit for me to go over the spelling/grammar, so I'm mainly going to focus on the story.

The story, as a whole, is good.  I think it goes interesting places, and it kept my interest throughout.  The problem I think I have with the script is the characters, and how their motivations/actions seem to change pretty rapidly from time to time.  One of the posters above mentioned how Jodi is supposed to be depressed/goth, but she bounces back and forth a lot of the time, not really remaining consistent.  I'll give you more examples below, as I go through everything from the beginning:

p.2 - You say it's a "typical teen room", but then go on to describe how it's anything but a typical teenager's room (no posters, etc).  Lose that part.

p.6 - How do WE (the audience) recognize it's Leif's silhouette?  And why does Jodi just shrug it off?  That's kind of weird.

p.7 - I'm not fully sold on Jodi's eating disorder.  Eating disorders don't typically just walk hand-in-hand with depression (especially one stemming from a death).   It needs to be associated  with something from her past.  Something, aside from her just being sad, needs to cause it.

p.27-  Why would Jodi, a depressed Goth girl who rebels against her dad, go to so much trouble to clean up a stain?  Wouldn't she just say "F*ck it."?

p.39 - I like the idea of the demon tricking her, but I think the explanation (by it) is waaay too on the nose.   I think it should come out as an explanation from another character.

p.46 - I don't buy the middle school teacher knowing all of this information about the demon.  It's seems really convenient to the story and it added a bit of an eye-rolling element for me.  If I were you, I'd find some way to change it up and bring a character like that into the story.  For example, you could have Jodi drawing a bunch of weird symbols, and then seeks someone out to explain them to her.

p.60 - It's by this point that I truly realize Ralph is the worst dad in the world.  Which is a fine character flaw, but do you want him to be so dislikable?  I mean, he realizes all this stuff going on with his daughter but does almost nothing to help her.  And then earlier in the story, when she's at her worst, he leaves her ALONE for four days?  She's 13, depressed, and possibly suicidal!

p.64 - bulimia, not anorexia

I feel like the cops in the story serve no real purpose except to explain a bit of the backstory and then ultimately die.  I think you could completely lose their story and not really skip a beat, as they mainly just re-iterate a lot of what's already happened on screen.  It'd be different if they provided some kind of tension or actual conflict in the story, but they really don't.  Also, taking them out would reduce the page count a little bit, and that never hurts.

Overall, it's a soild story, but like I said, I would really think about and work on all of your character's motivations.  Make sure it not only remains consistent but also makes sense.  If you do that, I think you'll have a much stronger next draft.
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