Thud by Darren Orsetti (mcguffin672) - Drama - Alex, a young hitwoman, decides to commit suicide, unable to deal with the guilt she's built up over the few years she's been in the business. Upon doing so, however, she lands right in the middle of every murder she's ever committed, forced to experience everything a second time. 71 pages - pdf, format

Hi everyone, this is Darren Orsetti. I was just wondering if anyone had read it, and if so, if they have any helpful tips or criticisms.

Thanks!

Darren,

This place runs on a quid pro quo basis - you have to give in order to get. So my advice to you is either read and review some other scripts here or post a message in the Script Review Exchange thread.


Rob

McGuffin,

I started reading your script. I like the concept but the execution (no pun intended) just doesn't work for me.

Couple of items:

The title. I didn't like THUD when I first saw it and was sick of it after the umpteenth time I saw it in the script. I see what you're trying to do from a writing point of view but on screen it would either a) not be noticed by anyone since it is a sound cue and people would wonder why the film is called "Thud" or b) use the same identifiable sound for each "Thud" and become annoyed by it. If that's what you're going for take a look at the "Kill Bill" movies. The psycho revenge music is very identifiable but is used sparingly. You use it eight times in the first thirty or so pages.

I was unclear whether or not Alex knows it's not real everytime she wakes up. I would seem if she did she would know the fix the first time she saw Brian and the cop.

I feel too much exposition is told. Personally, I like the challenge of hiding it, implying it, etc.

A lot of the dialogue in general is weak and unnatural, especially with the cop andd the bike messenger.

A lot of the direction doesn't work for me either. It just seems too floaty for me. In better terms, it sounds more suited for a novel than a screenplay. Ex: "She decides to break the silence." We know... she's the next one who talks.

By the copyright date I see you been holding on to this one for a couple of months. Have you started a second draft. The concept is good but the inherent problem with what I've read of this is that Alex isn't changing. She isn't learning anything (other than she doesn't want to do this anymore, which she actually seems like she came to this conclusion before the script even began.) There's no are developing. She just seems depressed and annoyed. Good luck on the second draft and good show.

P.S. How many times have we seen the mark's wife and kid show up right before he is to be killed?