Spinning Reels by Joe Fraser (blakkwolfe) - Short, Comedy - Stacy Armstrong learns the ropes at a local casino. 8 pages - pdf, format

Hi, blakkwolfe. I thought it was a cute idea, with some snappy dialogue and cute characters. I laughed out loud when Stacie outed herself. I didn't like the ending, though. I don't know what you can to fix it, I just don't think it's good enough.

Good writing. I didn't see any technical errors.

Hey,

I thought this was well written in terms of format and grammar. I thought your descriptions were pretty snappy and enjoyable to read.

It seems like you've, in terms of writing, improved since the Bonaventure.

That said I had some problems with the substance of the short. After reading it I felt like so what? To me the end felt like a punchline that didn't really fit the set up.

The characters you introduced were interesting enough but I felt they didn't really go anywhere except for Rose. With her I was satisfied for whatever reason, I don't know why though, I'll have to think about it.

Oh, I also don't think Mildred was in caps when she was first introduced.

anyway nice effort,

sheepwalker

Thanks, Abs...I wanted to do something to follow-up all the good stuff I learned from the OWC, especially the actions, which were problematic on that other piece.

About the ending, I also had considered the whole thing turning into a Crouching Dragon style knock down drag out battle with complete with Madden-esque color commentary, but decided against it.

Sheep; Ahh, you are correct sir on Mildred. @#$@! I agree that there was not a whole of meat to this, just Guy Stacy learning that you don't mess around with someone else's slot machine, which I learned first hand during a weekend at Harrah's down in Laughlin.

Thanks guys very much for checking this out!

Hey Joe,

Like ABS' script, I also remember you mentioning this in the chat room (perhaps I spend too much time there).  Thought I'd give it a read.

I'm not a big fan of the Guy Stacy's intro.  The every man bit is just as ambiguous as his name.  Sure, it helps the reader, but it has to be portrayed through his actions and dialogue.  Anyway, I'll comment on that as I get further into the script.

The two "Stacy" thing is interesting.  I'm glad you chose to go with a different spelling and the guy flag otherwise it would have been ridiculously confusing.

Guy's pickup routine is smooth as sandpaper...lol

I enjoyed the story and especially liked the last couple pages with the exchange with Roland and then the stealing of Rose's machine.  I think the very end could be adjusted to be more in line with the story though.  

You have this frail old lady whose bones creak when she walks doing a full on body tackle.  I can see the humor in it, but it definitely takes a lot of suspension of disbelief.  No biggie though.

Anyway good job.  I got a few laughs out of it.

Hey Joe, this was a pretty funny script for the most part, a couple of the lines by Guy Stacey near the beginning fell flat, but maybe they were supposed to.  The visual of Rose almost zombie like as she plays the slots was kind of funny.  I was kinda let down at the end, it felt like a joke without a punchline, but everything leading up to that was pretty funny and it had some good laughs, especially with girl Stacie.

                                    GUY STACY
                              He’s a lucky man.

                                    STACIE
                               She thinks so.

HAHAHA, great line.

Thanks very much Mike!

I struggled quite a bit with that naming convention, but i really wanted to use that element. I'm glad that was the right choice. Seemed logical

I agree that I should have given a bit more detail into Guy's intro. Too much of an aside there.

Like the Saints, Guy doesn't score much.

Thanks for the insight and for the read.

There was some funny parts to this.  Stacie seemed more interesting than Guy Stacy, but I did like the "She thinks so" line as well as the "back to your lives. citizens..." line.  I'm concerned that my other favorite line kind of says it all about the piece.  Not much really happens here.  As an exercise, this works nicely because the action is pretty clearly described and nothing happens that seems unnatural.  The ending is a bit of a flat punchline, but the potential is there.  What could be done is to come up with a story for Mr. Stacy.  What does he want?  Why's he there by himself?  Play with the character more.  The jokes will find themselves, but your character will move the story.

Quoted from EBurke73 The ending is a bit of a flat punchline, but the potential is there.  What could be done is to come up with a story for Mr. Stacy.  What does he want?  Why's he there by himself?  Play with the character more.  The jokes will find themselves, but your character will move the story.

Thanks to both Burke and Flying Boy for reading this short and i appreciate your valuable opinions. I am definitly going to rethink the ending from the feedback I've gotten.

As far as Guy Stacy, he just wants to try out the local casino. Win a few bucks. Drink a few beers. Check out the ladies. I agree though that he is pretty shallow, and not that bright, which i should demonstrate more through his actions, thus building his character.

Thanks again for your comments.

I don't really know what to think about this one. It was well-written and there were definitely some good lines in there but I don't think much actually happens here. The ending kinda fell flat on its face. I think that's the main problem. The characters are a little flat as well but for the most part, they seemed like real people. The older ladies had a lot of potential as characters, especially Rose. I don't think you utilized them to their full potential. Also, I don't think an 80-something woman would use the insult "dumb ass young dude."

Anyway, I guess this one was okay but I think it could've been way better. You've got a lot to expand on. I suggest you do.

Ah man I hate going to the club with my sister-n-law and brother-n-law. Sit there and watch them tap away the buttons on the pokies and knock back a few beers.

Pokies are so boring. But lucky for you and your script you populated your script with some colorful characters. Rose was a stand out as was stacy trying to pick up stacie.

This script is well written and the dialouge is sharp. The only problem I had was with the plot or point of this script in which their was none.

Have to agree with James above in that there was nothing engaging about the story, nothing to drive the story and it didn't end but just kind of stopped.  

James and Tonka; Thanks to both for taking time out to read this. I appreciate it.

I've been in the gaming business for 14 years, and never heard them called Pokies...Thanks for that...(Aristocrat is big in Australia).

I agree that there wasn't a whole lot to this. Just good for a couple of chuckles, and that's pretty much it, like an old cartoon. But even then, the basic rules of good, solid story still apply, so lesson learned.

"Also, I don't think an 80-something woman would use the insult "dumb A** young dude."
She would if she's a hip hoppin', cha-cha slidin' gramma and down with the boogedy beat. Word, yo.

In thinking hard about this, the main problem is there is no Act III. The set up is there, the basic conflict is established, but there is no real resolution. It ends at Act 2 with Guy putting his money into the machine, which sets up the action for Act III, which isn't there, only a glimpse of it with Rose tackling Guy. That's why the ending doesn't work.

Anyway, thanks again for the read.

Hi Joe,

I hate to be the wet blanket here...

This story didn't really work for me at all. I know it is supposed to be a comedy and maybe you and I just have different types of humor. That happens. I didn't really see anything funny in it at all.

Story wise, I never really got a feel for what it was supposed to be about. Guy's gambling story or him trying to pick up Stacie? If it's about him gambling using someone elses machine, like you said, then I think the part with Stacie can definitely be trimmed because it doesn't lead to anywhere except for the "coming out" joke. A long set-up for a joke that was okay.

Regarding the carachters, I wish this story had been about Rose instead. She was the only one that was interesting and I would have liked to see more of her.

Regarding the writing, I wish you would use present tense only. (I think that's what it's called) Avoid using words that end with 'ing. I've been told this so many times myself that I have finally got to the point where all those 'ing words are annoy"ing.

I'm sorry this script didn't really work for me. I hope some of my comments can be of use.

Quoted from tomson Hi Joe, Regarding the writing, I wish you would use present tense only. (I think that's what it's called) Avoid using words that end with 'ing. I've been told this so many times myself that I have finally got to the point where all those 'ing words are annoy"ing.

Hey Pia; I do I have a bizarre sense of humor, and I appreciate greatly the writing tip along with the read. I will work on this on the revision. Thank you!

well I cound not see anything funny as yu
say you have a bizare sense of humour