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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  In Memoriam Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 9th, 2007, 2:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In Memoriam by Michel J. Duthin - Short - A young man decides to share one last night with his girlfriend-- on her grave. 6 pages - pdf, format


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Sham
Posted: September 9th, 2007, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Great story.

SPOILERS

It has a rough start, but the end makes it all worth it.

I didn't like the opening line. "I loved her so bad" was corny to me. A simple "I loved her" can be just as powerful.

I also didn't like the line "A few persons were there." This is a young couple, so he would probably just say "people." Don't overdo it. I had to read it over again because it didn't feel natural to me.

Pages 3 - 6 are really the meat of the story, and you wrote it beautifully. It felt to me that the deceased don't always go to a better place like eulogies lead us to believe. All the deceased have in the end is their conscience, and in this case, everyone is full of mistakes and regret. It's a nice twist.

I guess my criticism would be to go back and write the opening dialogue differently. His dialogue seems robotic. If this is a guy dealing with tragedy, we have to believe it.

Otherwise, great short. I really enjoyed it.


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tomson
Posted: September 9th, 2007, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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Michel,

I really liked this one. One of the best ones I've read from you, I think. Aubrey was good too.

I liked the idea that once somebody dies only nice things are said about them (most of the time). Even childmolesters and murderers seem to have positive things about them on their headstones, so it was interesting to read the truth about them.

I do agree with sham about the cheesy lines, but knowing that English is not your native language it didn't bother me at all.

Good job!!  
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alffy
Posted: September 10th, 2007, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel, I liked this but the beginning didn't seem to fit the ending.

I really didn't see the story shifting to its conclusion.  To be honest I wasn't sure where you were going with the story and then it decended into a very dark tale and I liked it.

I'm not entirely sure what the bodies rising up signified other than to inform Thomas about Chandra's fate and I guess make him feel betrayed, he logs for his lover, a lover that never loved him back as much.  Touching ending.


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: September 10th, 2007, 3:51pm Report to Moderator
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Michel;

Yeah, this is good. I liked the fact that for once the dead actually had something positive to do other than chase down young women to chew on thier brains.

This has a very dark and gothic feel to it, in fact it could be even creepier set in the 1800's...Has that kind of Frankenstien-esque/Mary Shelley quality. I think its the gravediggers coming in with the shovels that sets that mood. Can almost hear the hounds howling in the distance here!

What do they write with? Assume they are using thier boney fingers to etch in the stone. The scene with all the dead rising to deal with the truth is a great visual.

I felt sorry for Thom at the end. It seems sad that his idealized love had to be shattered by the truth, but, that often is the case.

Good job!


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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michel
Posted: September 12th, 2007, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Sham
thank you for your advice. I'll surely rewrite the dialogue and dig deeper.

Pia
Always a pleasure reading from you.

Alffy
I tried to slip from one genre to another to make the second one more surprising. Believe me, I knew where I was going.

Blakkwolfe
Glad you liked it and I do hope you found it more readable than "Incantations". Yes, it was very tempting to set the story in the 1800's but I found it quite cliché and most of all-- cheaper to shoot.

Anyway, thanks to you. Glad I entertained you all.

Michel


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Souter Fell
Posted: September 17th, 2007, 11:12am Report to Moderator
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Interesting. The beginning could use some revamping. I found it to be in a jarring stark contrast to the actual meat of the story. When he leaves the country and then comes right back. I found myself saying "where did he go?" Turns out that it was a helluva way to just show that the pain made him run away. Seems a little much.

Maybe focus a little more on him missing her. Maybe snippets of different situations, say like, insomnia while showing that he sleeps on his side of the bed, unable to accept that he is the only one there.

The cemetary part is original, maybe a little rough but still good. Quick clarification: are the corpses magically erasing the engraving or are they scratching it out and writing the new message underneath.

All in all, nice job and fresh take on the dead. Good show.


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michel
Posted: September 18th, 2007, 4:56am Report to Moderator
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Hi Souter Fall,

Thank you for your comment. i'm now aware the begining of the story is not as romantic as I tried to express. I tried  to be as shorter as possible to show his pain.


Quoted from Souter Fell
are the corpses magically erasing the engraving or are they scratching it out and writing the new message underneath?


I thought I was clear enough when I wrote:

"The dead man picks up a stone and proceeds to erase the inscription. Then, just below, he starts to write something
."

Thank again

Michel


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CindyLKeller
Posted: September 18th, 2007, 7:46am Report to Moderator
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Hi Michel,

This was eerie.  

Like another reader said, it reminded me of the early 60's horror, Frankenstein...
or similar to a Poe-ish tale.

I did find a type o... when the dead woman shows herself, and a third of "his" face is gone.

If you do a rewrite, I'd like to read it again. To make it even creepier, you might want to add some rolling fog at the cemetery???

I did enjoy this one.  

Cindy


Award winning screenwriter
Available screenplays
TINA DARLING - 114 page Comedy
ONLY OSCAR KNOWS - 99 page Horror
A SONG IN MY HEART - 94 page Drama
HALLOWEEN GAMES - 105 page Drama
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James McClung
Posted: September 18th, 2007, 2:27pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one a lot. The theme is very clever and unfortunately, probably true to life. That's not to say all dead people are murderers and pedophiles but it's true that the memories of the dead are embelished on a regular basis. Anyway, an interesting twist on the story being told as well as a twist on the horror genre in general.

The scene numbers were a little distracting. Normally, this isn't the case, even though scene numbers should be avoided for spec scripts. Here, they were a little harder to ignore since they appeared on both sides of the page. You can also lose the insert of the airport. Thomas says he left his country so it's an unneccesary visual. It'd also make the script easier to produce for cheap without a secondary location.

Also, I don't understand how Chandra could alter her epitaph if her grave's being dug up. I wasn't sure what the point of the grave diggers was at all, other than to get Thomas to scat. They could've easily been cops or a caretaker or something. I think digging up Chandra's grave just makes things more complicated.

Anyway, that's about all I have to say on this one. I really enjoyed it.


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michel
Posted: September 19th, 2007, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Hi James and Cindy

thank you for your reading. After everyone's comments, I inform you that a second draft is on its way. I didn't change a lot but tried to clarify several points.

Michel


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Zack
Posted: September 19th, 2007, 12:47pm Report to Moderator
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I'm with the others. the begining was a bit sketchy, but the ending made up for it. Also, some of the dialogue was a bit corny. Other than that, an enjoyable read. I'd say a B-. Good work.

~Zack~
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michel
Posted: September 20th, 2007, 5:43am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Zack,

as I said before the second draft is on its way. Hope it'll be better.

Michel


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: September 20th, 2007, 6:09am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

Long time since I've read one of your scripts. This short was interesting about what you reveal. Thomas' arc was done well. Very sad for him. But what happened to the grave diggers?  

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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michel
Posted: September 20th, 2007, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Hi Gabe,

thank you for your comment. It truly was long time.

About the gravediggers, in my mind, there were here to dig a fresh hole for  funerals the day after. I know nowadays they rather would take a bulldozer to dig it but two men would be cheaper (lol) and it adds a 1800/1900 spirit.

Michel


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