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The Reading Project by Davis Huffman - Short, Comedy - Brian didn't get his reading project done, so now he and his buddies are trying to come up with an excuse for his teacher. 13 pages - doc, format
Hi, Davis. I thought it was a cute short. Some of the lines were funny. It seems that you've watched AIR PLANE a few times with the "A book report! What is it?" I liked it. I didn't like the ending. I'm going to assume this is your first attempt, and that's okay. You have the font and size right, except for the superimpose. Those should still be size 12, and all caps, at the end. You also don't need the "cut to"s. The "justified" alignment looks nice, but it's harder to read. Keep all your paragraphs to left alignment. Your introductions are wrong too. They should be: "BRIAN (15)..." and then a one or two word description. You should do that for all your characters. On page 2, you have an "intercut", except you don't label it like that. Replace the, * with something like this:
INT. HARRY'S HOUSE - DAY
HARRY (on the phone) blah blah blah
INT. BRIAN'S HOUSE - DAY
BRIAN (on the phone) blah blah blah
INTERCUT PHONE CONVERSATION:
And continue writing the dialogue as it is.
Try to write your descriptions so they're active voice. Brian run... Harry plays... The Phone rings... Also, try to write the "We hear/see" sentences. If you write it, we're going to see it, or hear it. You don't have to write in complete sentences. If I wanted to open a movie with the sounds of birds chirping, I'd just write, "Birds chirp." (Actually, that is a complete sentence, but you know what I mean.)
With your ellipsis, make sure they're spaced out right. It should be three characters instead of one.
Let the actors emphasize the words they want to emphasize. But, if you think the line needs a little more help, underline the word, or words, instead of italicizing them. Words in italics are harder to read.
Like I said earlier, I thought it was a cute story, but the ending falls a little flat. It doesn't really fit in with the first 12 pages. Just practice a little more, and you'll get it down.
Ryan- Gangster, Comedy- A newly rehabilitated gangster must deal with all the debts he left behind before he went to prison.
The Seventh Day- Drama, Thriller- An Israeli agent who lost his family at the hands of Palestinians must contemplate whether or not to stop his friend from attacking Palestinians.
This was OK story wise, but the formatting is a problem, especially on the dialogue and spacing. Those are way off.
However, I liked the ending. Had shades of DeNiro in the Untouchables: Baseball!
Thought the dialogue in itself was funny, as was the scenario of trying to get out of a book report. To opt to get hit in the head with a bat instead of just saying "I'm sorry Miss Williams, I didn't do the project on time, can I make it up" was so stupid it was hilarious.
The notion of hitting on Miss Williams was also funny. Seniors get alot more action than you might think. Talk about books...or Rulers...Whatever teachers go for nowadays. Liked that line.
The running gag of the video game worked well, natural and not forced.
Three Hour coma was good, too.
"She totally wants to make-out with, man". Think you missed a me in there.
Good first effort, but suggest studying up on your formatting to bring it up to industry standard.
Good Luck to ya! Joe
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Ryan- Gangster, Comedy- A newly rehabilitated gangster must deal with all the debts he left behind before he went to prison.
The Seventh Day- Drama, Thriller- An Israeli agent who lost his family at the hands of Palestinians must contemplate whether or not to stop his friend from attacking Palestinians.
i'll agree with the format comments above but as a first attempt I really enjoyed this. Moved well and the pace stayed the same except for the ending. The dialogue and visual of him actually getting hit with the bat initially was totally funny and I enjoyed Aloutte dancing. Thought it was cute, but didn't really get the fact he died at the end. I guess the moral of the story was don't let your friends pound your melon with a bat!
good job overall and keep working, you write well so the rest will come only with practice.
Pretty cute short. I also liked the cut to a man dancing to "Alouette" when Brian in getting konked on the bean. I thought it started slow, but it built nicely and built well as characters were added, which is pretty impressive. They are also stupid in the way 15 year olds are stupid, which is pretty good. I remember being 15, and I remember being pretty stupid.
The formatting is a little wonky because of the justification trying to make blocks of the dialogue so we see stretched spaces. I realize you like the ending because it doesn't fit, but I actually deflated upon seeing it.
Ryan- Gangster, Comedy- A newly rehabilitated gangster must deal with all the debts he left behind before he went to prison.
The Seventh Day- Drama, Thriller- An Israeli agent who lost his family at the hands of Palestinians must contemplate whether or not to stop his friend from attacking Palestinians.
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The Reading Project
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