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Started off real well. Not quite sure how I liked the second half. It was done well but, well, here goes.
A little unclear about some of the things. Firstly, did Sarah completely disentigrate into the "tall, muscular and compact MALE FIGURE?" Also, it's a little jarring when Sarah is suddenly gets it. Maybe something more than her cries "suddenly stops."
Lastly, you might want to show some of the actual figures as frat guys (i assume). You introduced Tom and the freshman, why not have them back.
All in all, good short. Aside from a couple of typo's, it was moved along swiftly. Good show.
Thnx Souter and padnar for reading and reviewing. Took me awhile to get to this, i apoligize for that. padnar, im not sure if there are a few typos in your questions so excuse me if i misunderstand you.
"--- is sarah murdered and why is she walking our her parents body I could not understand sp pl clarify it"
Sarah is walking over her parents body's because they are dead in the living room. She basically just walks over them. lol ..maybe i didn't explain or word it right in the description.
1. "did Sarah completely disentigrate into the "tall, muscular and compact MALE FIGURE?"
To me, her body and essence was replaced with this male figure. In order to gain one energy, you must trade with something else. I put that in the writing but took it out.
2. "Also, it's a little jarring when Sarah is suddenly gets it. Maybe something more than her cries "suddenly stops."
I read that over and thought the exact same thing, i'll be sure to fix it in my second draft. Thanks for pointing that out.
3. "Lastly, you might want to show some of the actual figures as frat guys (i assume). You introduced Tom and the freshman, why not have them back.
i actually had a fight scene with those characters before Sarah gives 'birth'. For some reason i thought that if a script was more than 15 pages, it wouldn't be considered a short. Dont know why i thought that loll. But i just took it out. maybe i'll put it back in.
Again, thanx for reading guys.
Shorts: Good Golly Miss Molly No Place Like Home New Moon Rising Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW! The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody Toy Soldier This Modern Love A Virgin State of Mind
A split script, two different genres. I kept expecting her to wake up from a dream, happy you didn't go there. I think the first half was a bit boring and usual. That could be shortened. You also need to foreshadow the second half a bit more than just some chanting. There should be history involved and we should understand what is happening to her. And when things get fast and furious you should be extra careful to make sure that your writing is clear and concise.
Your formatting is decent, though there were a few misspellings. I know that this is the kettle calling the pot black, but if I notice it you have a little bit of a problem.
Story wise, I thought the beginning of this felt kind of meandering. You don't have much time to hook me and I thought you took to long to do it. I wasn't really intrigued until Sarah got to the bed room. I suppose, you might have been trying to entertain us with Bryan's jokes in the beginning conversations, but they didn't work for me.
Another, problem you might have is the shift in genres you make. I'm sure this will bother a fair segment of your audience, I myself was kind of ehhh... on it. To try and remedy that you could try to hint at and foreshadow it earlier in the piece. That said, I think a strength of this is the surprise factor, so, if you add some more foreshadowing (was the latin chanting the only thing, and about half way through) but make sure not to be too overt about it.
Another thing I just thought of, that no doubt contributed to my boredom at the beginning, is that those scenes seem really familiar, and with out knowing any of the characters at the time (to care about what happens to them), or being aware of the cult thing (for us to be intrigued by mystery), the only thing you have to hook us with is the dialog between Bryan and Sarah, so, I think you should really work on that to make it clever and interesting. As is, like I said before, its like I've seen it before, and I don't know if you did it as well as in those movies.
Wow, that was more then I intended to write... Well, anyways, for me at least, if you work on those things you'll be on your way to improving this.
Straight up the problem I had with this was the pacing. With the content you have this should be only a 15-page story. 26 pages is way to long and a lot of that is just gibber gab.
The conversation goes to long and they slow down the momentum of your story.
In first 14 pages you establish house have no mirror and boy likes girl. You don't need 14 pages to get that across and I suggest you trim back all the small talk and get rid of the space cadet as he just do nothing for story.
The second half was quite good but same problem. You don't need to spell out everything with exposition.
Over writing lets down this script and prevents it from being a crisp clean, quick read and plot. You need to trim the fat and tighten up the story.