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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  New Moon Rising Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: September 23rd, 2007, 6:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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New Moon Rising by Bryan Mora - Short - A fraternity bash slowly leads off the course for the destruction of the world.  26 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  July 22nd, 2008, 7:44pm
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Souter Fell
Posted: September 24th, 2007, 8:28am Report to Moderator
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Started off real well. Not quite sure how I liked the second half. It was done well but, well, here goes.

A little unclear about some of the things. Firstly, did Sarah completely disentigrate into the "tall, muscular and compact MALE FIGURE?" Also, it's a little jarring when Sarah is suddenly gets it. Maybe something more than her cries "suddenly stops."

Lastly, you might want to show some of the actual figures as frat guys (i assume). You introduced Tom and the freshman, why not have them back.

All in all, good short. Aside from a couple of typo's, it was moved along swiftly. Good show.


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padnar
Posted: September 25th, 2007, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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The story is moving but I could not understand the climax
is sarah murdered and why is she walking our her parents body I could not understand sp pl clarify it
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BryMo
Posted: September 27th, 2007, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey

Thnx Souter and padnar for reading and reviewing. Took me awhile to get to this, i apoligize for that. padnar, im not sure if there are a few typos in your questions so excuse me if i misunderstand you.

"--- is sarah murdered and why is she walking our her parents body I could not understand sp pl clarify it"

Sarah is walking over her parents body's because they are dead in the living room. She basically just walks over them. lol ..maybe i didn't explain or word it right in the description.

And Souter,

1. "did Sarah completely disentigrate into the "tall, muscular and compact MALE FIGURE?"

To me, her body and essence was replaced with this male figure. In order to gain one energy, you must trade with something else. I put that in the writing but took it out.

2. "Also, it's a little jarring when Sarah is suddenly gets it. Maybe something more than her cries "suddenly stops."

I read that over and thought the exact same thing, i'll be sure to fix it in my second draft. Thanks for pointing that out.

3. "Lastly, you might want to show some of the actual figures as frat guys (i assume). You introduced Tom and the freshman, why not have them back.

i actually had a fight scene with those characters before Sarah gives 'birth'. For some reason i thought that if a script was more than 15 pages, it wouldn't be considered a short. Dont know why i thought that loll. But i just took it out. maybe i'll put it back in.

Again, thanx for reading guys.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES

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BryMo  -  September 27th, 2007, 3:59pm
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: October 15th, 2007, 7:25pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Bryan,

Liked the intial dialogue between Sarah, Bryan and Tom, particularly Tom's drunken toast.

The latin chanting was a slight clue that something was amiss is the frat house, but on the whole the entire second part of the script came as a complete surprise..

I understand that the same thing happened to Sarah, but maybe if there was a bit more ominous foreshadowing it would build the suspense a bit more...

At what point did all the robed people come in?

They slaughter Sarah's family, which action seems a bit contradictory as this seems like a more holy possession/birth
(Love being the essence of life) than a demonic one.

Course, it could be a demon pretending to be righteous to get his minions to do his bidding...Seen that a few times.

Don't know how the entity can be "tall, muscular and compact..." Compact implies he's on the short side, so I'd suggest just taking that out...

I'd also suggest Bryan explain a little more to Sarah (and us) who it is that's coming. Bryan at least owes her that much after making her pregnant in a one night stand with a demon.

Good short, but an awkward transition from Frat Score with the Girl comedy to horror/fantasy.  


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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tonkatough
Posted: October 17th, 2007, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Another great example of a script that starts off as one genre and style and at the middle does a huge right turn into something totally diffrent to where you started.

You did such a great job setting up this script as a frat boy wild party adventure that having Sarah wake up from a one night stand eight months pregnant was made all the more shocking and suprising.  


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BryMo
Posted: October 23rd, 2007, 11:55am Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys for you reviews and comments. I'll make sure to make changes you suggested Blakkwolf on the 'compact figure' suggestion.

It means a lot that you read.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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mcornetto
Posted: October 31st, 2007, 6:17am Report to Moderator
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A split script, two different genres.  I kept expecting her to wake up from a dream, happy you didn't go there.  I think the first half was a bit boring and usual.  That could be shortened. You also need to foreshadow the second half a bit more than just some chanting.  There should be history involved and we should understand what is happening to her.  And when things get fast and furious you should be extra careful to make sure that your writing is clear and concise.    
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Soap Hands
Posted: December 8th, 2007, 5:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I think this overall still needs some work.

Your formatting is decent, though there were a few misspellings. I know that this is the kettle calling the pot black, but if I notice it you have a little bit of a problem.

Story wise,  I thought the beginning of this felt kind of meandering. You don't have much time to hook me and I thought you took to long to do it. I wasn't really intrigued until  Sarah got to the bed room. I suppose, you might have been trying to entertain us with Bryan's jokes in the beginning conversations, but they didn't work for me.

Another, problem you might have is the shift in genres you make. I'm sure this will bother a fair segment of your audience, I myself was kind of ehhh... on it. To try and remedy that you could try to hint at and foreshadow it earlier in the piece. That said, I think a strength of this is the surprise factor, so, if you add some more foreshadowing  (was the latin chanting the only thing, and about half way through) but make sure not to be too overt about it.

Another thing I just thought of, that no doubt contributed to my boredom at the beginning, is that those scenes seem really familiar, and with out knowing any of the characters at the time (to care about what happens to them), or being aware of the cult thing (for us to be intrigued by mystery), the only thing you have to hook us with is the dialog between Bryan and Sarah, so, I think you should really work on that to make it clever and interesting. As is, like I said before, its like I've seen it before, and I don't know if you did it as well as in those movies.

Wow, that was more then I intended to write... Well, anyways, for me at least, if you work on those things you'll be on your way to improving this.

sheepwalker
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BryMo
Posted: July 24th, 2008, 10:13am Report to Moderator
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Hey guys! Just wanted to let some people know there's a new version of New Moon Rising roaming about.

It's probably an entirely different idea and story. I've changed the story into a vampire folklore based on today's society. Teen Frat parties and such..

Hope people enjoy this version.
Love to hear feedback.


Shorts:
Good Golly Miss Molly
No Place Like Home
New Moon Rising
Yuno - BRAND-*SPANKIN*-NEW!
The Ballad of Uncle Sam: An Anarchists Melody
Toy Soldier
This Modern Love
A Virgin State of Mind

A GUIDE TO MY LITERARY BABIES
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tonkatough
Posted: February 14th, 2009, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Straight up the problem I had with this was the pacing. With the content you have this should be only a 15-page story. 26 pages is way to long and a lot of that is just gibber gab.

The conversation goes to long and they slow down the momentum of your story.

In first 14 pages you establish house have no mirror and boy likes girl. You don't need 14 pages to get that across and I suggest you trim back all the small talk and get rid of the space cadet as he just do nothing for story.

The second half was quite good but same problem. You don't need to spell out everything with exposition.

Over writing lets down this script and prevents it from being a crisp clean, quick read and plot. You need to trim the fat and tighten up the story.    


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