Revenge of the Pumpkins by Erica - Short, Comedy -

You can eat them in pies,
they have candle-lit eyes
and they'll get their revenge
to the children's surprise.
<12 pages - pdf, format

HAHA, this was one strange little piece, but I liked it, the theme was used very well and it was a comedy, there were some good chuckles.  I think the word Wuss was used way too much though, even the mom uses it. It got a little confusing at the half way point, but I dug the ending, I thought that was pretty funny.  All in all the theme was used well and it had some funny moments so I think it fit the challenge pretty well.

Hey,

I thought this was a cute little story, you should send it to Nickelodeon or something.

That said, I don't think I was in your intended audience. I'm sorry to report that I didn't even crack a smile. I'll grant you that it was a comedy, I recognized jokes but the jokes didn't appeal to my sense of humor at all.

While I didn't like it much, because I didn't find it funny or amusing, I thought it was well written and a nice little story.

sheepwalker

  

Fun little story.  I liked it the best of Batch A so far.  Not the funniest script ever, but it had a good story with some funny gags.  PFFT PFFT! lol.

The pumkins freaking out cuz the boy knew how to use the knife was funny.

Good stuff!

This was a cute little story. I liked the song, and I liked of the witch using an army of pumpkins for revenge. I also liked the seed spitting. That was cute. LOL
When I saw him wake, and thought it was a dream, I was like Oh No... but I liked the ending, and the shocker with the pie.
I didn't laugh out loud, but I was smiling a lot.
It was a good entry, well written, and cute story.

Good job!

Cindy

This was a good little story with a little twist/open ending, it had kind of a ‘Goosebumps’ feel to it that I enjoyed because I read those books like crazy when I was a kid, so this was a bit nostalgic! Making it a more of a tale for children, you successfully included horror elements without making it feel like an actual horror piece, which is good because the challenge genre is comedy.

That said, it wasn’t particularly funny either so I don’t know what to make of that. You definitely got a good amount of pumpkin in it though! The few bits that did make me laugh were your descriptions of their movement:

- ‘Abóbora rolls off the trunk of the car’, ‘They wobble towards Grant singing their marching song’, ‘The line of Jacks panic. They wobble about in circles’ etc.

It created funny and vivid images that made me chuckle, and like everyone else I liked the seed spitting. More little moments of inspiration like that might have added more humor, as I think your descriptions are the strongest point compared to the dialog which didn’t cause many laughs (the ongoing ‘wuss’ joke didn’t work for me).

It isn’t funny, but it is fun. For this challenge it needed to be funnier, but on its own merits it’s a well written kiddy Halloween tale with some neat ideas .

I have one little spoiler. The use of another language by Alma is great, if you could understand it. Please write it in English and have the language it is spoken in, in parenthesis next to her name.
Otherwise, a great little story!
Not much carving action but a humoristic little short.
Well done! A good twist with the dream sequence.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  6/10
Comedy Structure: 7/10
My rating of your script overall: 8/10

I thought this was a very creative, well written piece. That said, there's not much to bust on.

I enjoyed it,

Seth

I enjoyed this one. I agree with Sheepwalker about it having potential to be on Nickelodeon or something, I think kids would really enjoy it. The pumpkin song was great and I liked the twist that occurred when Grant rushed into Harry's house and was deceived by Harry's costume.

As Ian said it was more fun than funny, but I got a laugh out the, "my mom is going to make their lives soo miserable", line and I laughed at the HALLOWEEN, REALLY SUPER.

Like Cindy, I was a little worried when it look liked it was all going to be a dream, but I was happy with the way you finished it off.

Well done.

I have read many OWC scripts in the last two years and if this script is an indication of the quality of scripts this time around, I will enjoy reading every single one.

I thought you did really great with this one.

NICELY written. I could easily picture the whole thing.

My only complaints (if I have to mention any) would be some of the boys dialogue. It did seem to me it was written by an adult trying to sound like 12 year olds.

I also think you need to change the ending. It can end the same, but minus it being a dream. I'm sure you can figure out a way around that.

Great job!

Erica;

Some very good visuals in this; liked the pumkins Pfft'ing seeds and the general rising of the pumpkin army was good, particulary the rise of Grant's Jack...My favorite line was Grant's Jack stating that "he cut me up real bad."  

The "I'm not a wuss" gag gets a little tiresome, and the Abóbora is accented sometimes, but other times not. Minor little things.

A good effort combining absurdist comic elements with a bit of a horror slant.

Great job of setting the stage.  With a few minor exceptions, the banter of the 12-year olds felt authentic to me.  I also liked the introduction of Alma; her dramatic way of speaking reminded me of Ursula.  Nicely done.

The birth of Abobora - and his immediate peevish attitude toward Alma - was pretty hilarious.  As was the "pulp" rally and the pumpkin marching song.  Very creative and imaginative.  

I like how you wove humor into the battle royale, and I really got a sense of Grant's redemption at the end.  Capped it off nicely with a neat twist and denouement to boot.  Overall, I can't find much to critique.  Thanks for an enjoyable read.

Hey.  This was alright. I thought I'd get thi sout of the way first:

Bad joke:
"mom will sell my room on eBay"

It's too corny and out of place, just drop it.

Other than that, you did pretty well, there are a few more corny jokes but they don't stick out quite as much (although the "is this a game to you" line does stick out, he's a kid, not a psychologist).  But you're story is really good, which is the most important thing because everything else can be fixed easy as pumpkin pie.

My only other comment was that this seemed closer to horror than comedy.

much love,
Tyler

Heeeeey Punk,




Nice little story you have here. Alma seems like a cool gal, I think I'd like to hang out with her instead of toilet paper her house.

Like Jordan said, the word "Wus" was used way too many times, to the point where even the mom used it and Grant said he didn't like it.

I like the chant that the jack-o-lanterns used. It was kind of eerie in a sense, but it was still kind of funny to picture pumpkins wobbling down the street chanting something like that.

Something that was bothering me was how you were placing your parenthesis...I don't know if you were doing it wrong, but from what I've seen, you need to have the parenthesis above the dialogue that you intend on having the dialogue correspond to, such as:

PERSON
(Distressed)
ARGH! I can't take it anymore!
(Chuckles)
Though the thought of it is a bit humorous.

But oh well, sorry, that just sort of bothered me.

Oh no, a whole it-was-a-dream deal. Well, I guess it sort of worked. And when Alma came over and gave Grant's mom the pumpkin pie, haha and Grant gulps.

You got a few smiles out of me, but nothing that really made me actually chuckle or laugh. Sheepwalker said that he saw the jokes, but they didn't appeal to him, and that goes the same for me, also.

But this was a nice script. I liked it.

Sean

This was a nice read but I felt some of the dialogue seemed a bit too old for twelve year olds.  Also there wasn't to much comedy here, some one liners but more of horror I would say.  In all though a good read and an interesting story, not sure about the ending though.