Halloween Incorporated by Alona - Short, Comedy - Bobby Lofton unwittingly sells a portion of his eternity to the sexy, fast talking demoness, Delores. <12 pages - pdf, format

I liked this one.  I think you did a good job with these two characters, and really ended up going full hilt with Bob as the boob, which was really driven home at the end.

There were some parts where I thought Delores' dilaogue was much better than Bobby's, but her character was a little more sophisticated anyway.

A good take on the theme, and filled with some pretty good comedic stuff.

I suspect that this writer is also from Chicago based on a few elements I spotted.

I really liked the concept here (been saying that a lot, I think), a sort of Faustian interchange, and while there were a few funny lines (I loved Bobby's "I'm smart like that!" line) I think it kinda ebbed out in the end.

I would've liked a punchline at the end, instead of just having her leave.

The dialogue was great though and the polar oppsite characters' dynamic worked really well.

I think you spent way too much time on describing Delores. You give her 8 lines of description going into minute detail about the exact brand of her heels and frame of her glasses. I think it's overkill and that you could give us an idea of what she looks like in a sentence or two. No need for exact specifics.

Didn't laugh much but I still thought it was a charming story.

Wow! talk about a simple male attitude. This guy is your every day Joe, LOL.

Good story, it was captivating and couldn’t wait to get to the end to see what happened -- and then, -- a simple end - ??? - Why?
Considering the build up, I was expecting an explanation to the bargained percentage in terms of how many years it may have taken off his life before making his trip to hell.

Taking nothing away from your story though, it was well thought of and amusing; I especially liked the cat bit.

My OWC Challenge rating of your script “Carving of a Jack O’ Lantern”:  6/10
Comedy Structure: 5/10
My rating of your script overall: 6/10

I liked the idea of Halloween Incorporated, and the copyright on it. Cute!  

I have a question though...

They haggeled over a percentage rate. A percentage rate of what? There was no actual loan amount mentioned. Only a percentage. I didn't get that...

That's the only part that didn't make sense to me. Otherwise I thought it was a good concept.

Cindy

This was probably the strongest script I've read so far. The comedy was on full blast but channelled through sharp dialogue. That's the way it should be IMO. Strong characters enhanced the comedy as well. Bobby's the perfect everyman you can't help but feel sorry for considering he has no idea what's going on. Dolores is a top notch villain as well. You can never really trust anything she says. Their differences made for some good conflict.

My only complaint was that this took a little too long to get started. The pacing is fine but there's too much description prior to the pumpkin carving, mainly character description, which you've divided into individual sentences. I usually have to tell people to break up their sentences but in this case, I think you need to compile them into paragraphs pertaining to each character. A little cutting down on the wording will also help a lot in speeding things up.

Overall, a solid read, strong on comedy, and an original interpretation of the genre and theme. Good job.

I really liked the idea here, but it could be trimmed some I think. It was well written and a good read, but it went on a little too much about percentages and different form numbers and such.

Bobby is first set up as a big slob loser type guy, but then we sort of end up liking him anyway. I don't know, but maybe tone down the loser description some in the beginning.

Delores is great, but I'm not sure we need all the upscale brand names.

Anyway, it was a good read that could be made a little tighter.

This was a unique take on the challenge and I think it worked, the theme was used pretty well here.  It was also pretty funny, nothing laugh out loud but it kept me smiling throughout the whole piece.  I liked the 666 tattoo, it was a nice touch.  I think it ended a bit to easily, I wish there was one last twist there, but oh well, this still fit the challenge well.  Good work.

Just like Bobby, I had no idea what was happening. You don't really explain what the percentage is for. All Bobby has is 13.3% (something like that, right?) of life, maybe? I don't know, unless that's the trick, then it's fine.

I was really expecting more for the ending, like Bobby just disappears or something and ends up in Hell with Dolores.

The cat part was funny. At first I thought she killed the cat by setting it on fire, but then she just burned his fur off. Dolores was also pretty much the most amazing woman character out of the script I've read so far. Haha, she seems like a great person to hang out with, though, I'm probably saying this because I'm weird like that.

Nice job.

Sean

I liked the idea of Halloween being taken over by a corporation, and drowning someone in beauracracy just to have the simple pleasure of carving a pumpkin.  We get a pretty clear picture of both characters, though there's a little too much obssessive detail on how Delores looks at first.  I also liked how Delores went back and forth on the percentage.  As someone who's done the mortgage thing, it seemed really familiar.  

So he got away with 13.3% of his soul.  Not too shabby, though he seems to get stupider as the script goes on, almost to a Homer Simpson extent.  The 6's didn't clue him in on something being on the unkosher side?  While I enjoyed the bargaining period, I was looking forward to more of a satire on big business and beauracracy.  But from the script as it stands, I think it could be stronger if Bobby put a little more fight into having to deal with the situation.  He's a little too pliant.  It feels at times like a one woman show with a sidekick.

Good job.

I have to agree with the majority here and say this was a good job.  It's very well written if slighty over written in parts.  The characters were well crafted and the dialogue flowed quick and easy, I couldn't believe how quickly I read this.  Sean touched on this too, what exactly is his 13.3%, you say it's his eternity in the logline but what's that...his soul?  Or is he paying money?  This is just nit picking in the end, overall this was a good original story.

As said Death Monkey above, it was a charming story indeed. Great reading, but I didn't laugh much, however, I appreciated the writer's  skill on playing with these attorney stuffs.

congrats!

haha iwas smiling the whole way through. Not really laughing hysterically, but this was a very interesting idea and it was well thought through.

Things kept building up and i kept wondering what was going to happen. The ending i tihnk is fine, didn't ruin the story for me. Great job on this.

Great characters, great dialgoue, but not much comedy. it dealt with the topic but that's it. Also as pia said above, the numbers should be removed in order to avoid confusion.

Gabe  

This was entirely, excellent.  My goodness, what's not to like about this one?

Gosh darn red tape, need a permit for everything these days.  Yeah, I can see it.

You fit the challenge on all counts.  A++

Good job!

Sandra