Guest of Honor by T. Joseph Fraser (blakkwolfe) - Short, Horror - Child Molester Ronnie attends a barbecue where vengeance is a dish served smokin' hot. (6 pages) - pdf, format

Thanks very much for posting this, Don. I greatly appreciate it!

Joe

Hey Joe,

This one was pretty short and to the point.  Definitely something that could be done fairly easily since you cut it right at the point that the torture is about to begin.

If there's one thing I would recommend, it would be to make Ronnie not so much of an over the top hillbilly.  In my opinion, it takes away from how much of a dirtbag he really is.  You've got a few instances in there where he obviously doesn't show any remorse, but the good ol' boy stuff makes it almost comedic.  Tone it down, make him creepy.  Make us REALLY hate him.

Other than that, a pretty quick read and an interesting subject.

Thanks for the review, Mike...Originally, in the car scene, I had Ronnie fantasizing about his 8 year old god-daughter being at the barbecue and the "memories" that "made him feel excited...", but I edited that out cause I thought it was too extreme...

Ronnie really is a dispicable character, and I'll put that back. It's disgusting, but he's an evil dude that deserves everything he's gonna get.

Thanks again for reading and your valuable insight.

Joe

Hi BW.  This short may read a bit too short.  I had precious little time to process who was who -- particularly this Riley fellow.  I sensed there was a great deal of backstory that I was missing, and I was left to wonder why he got to join the "party".  And who were all those people, anyway?

I might go out on a limb and disagree with Mike, however, as to your treatment of Ronnie.  He is supposed to be a caricature, with his feet out the window, and I think the way you handled him is appropriate for such a brief work.  You needed to establish him quickly, and you did just that.

Later, when you tell us "the air stinks of burned flesh" -- that there is a scripting no-no, unless you plan to film this in smell-o-vision.  A small point, but something to watch out for.

The gruesome descriptions you employed for Riley were effective -- the highlight of the script for me -- giving a very clear sense of what was in store for Ronnie.

And then you cut away, leaving things for our imagination.  It is odd that we get such a horrible fate for Riley, when Ronnie is our actual protagonist here.  I know what you are going for, I am just putting that out there.

I enjoyed your tale, but it held few surprises because your logline gives too much away.  Another thing you need to think about for future works.

Format and dialogue are all up to speed.  A nice sample of what you can do.  Next you should go for something longer, where you explore your characters a bit more.

Hey T,

Well, this was short and I enjoyed it greatly.

Though, there were some things that bothered me...

Quoted Text The air stinks of burned flesh.

How can you put that on camera if this were filmed? These are the type of descriptions that are more meant for a book rather than a script. I can see that you want to intrigue the reader and make him/her get the feeling that they do smell the burnt flesh (if that's the effect you're going for), but you need to have your descriptions show, not tell.

- It finally took me a while who Riley was. At first I thought you got Ronnie's name mixed up with Riley's, since they both sounded similar (and that was also confusing), and it took me a while to realize that the body hanging from the hooks WAS Riley. You didn't introduce him properly, which had me asking myself the question: "Who the heck is Riley?"

Overall, this was good and I did enjoy it. Good work.

Sean

Bert and Zombie; Thanks to both of you for reading this...

I changed that "stinked flesh" line to " A thin layer of black smoke hangs from the ceiling."

You were right that I didn't introduce Riley properly...Edited to read

In the center of the dance floor, RILEY, a brutalized figure is hung from the ceiling on two massive hooks....

This was an experiement for me, as I hadn't written anything horror before.

The short itself is based on an actual incident down here in FLA where a girl was murdered because the killer's friend sent the police in the other direction, even though he knew she was there and in dire danger. In my mind, He was just as guilty as the killer, but he got off with nothing.  

That's the inspiration for the Riley character. As bad as what Riley got, I like to think that Ronnie suspects that what he's gonna get is 10X worse...

Quoted from bert I might go out on a limb and disagree with Mike, however, as to your treatment of Ronnie.  He is supposed to be a caricature, with his feet out the window, and I think the way you handled him is appropriate for such a brief work.  You needed to establish him quickly, and you did just that.

I agree that his persona needs to be established quickly given the length of this piece.  I just wasn't fond of his character being developed in a "What if Joe Dirt were a child molester?" way.

The way he is here, I wouldn't have been surprised to see "Yee-ha!  Thanks for gettin' me off that there charge, buddy.  Now I can go out and touch all the tiny peckers I want.  Woo wee!"  

Quoted from Shelton Now I can go out and touch all the tiny peckers I want.  Woo wee!"

Sorry, I just couldn't resist boxing up that quote in association with its source.

It's a question of tone, Mike.  I read this as an over-the-top shocker, where characters are painted in broad strokes.  It's comedy of the darkest sort, and often the hardcore horror fans are the only ones who find it amusing.

Perhaps you were expecting something darker and grittier.  You are right that Ronnie does not quite work there.

Only blakkwolfe knows for sure what he was going for -- but he should take note that two readers came away with two interpretations of the tone and mood of this script -- and he should carry that lesson forward into future works.

That was short, sharp and to the point.  

I was kind of worried at the 3rd/4th page that I was going to end up a little short-changed by the piece, but I think the ending has enough of a punch to make it work.

The direction being taken seemed a little obvious - Ronnie is quite clearly doomed by page 2, but in a way I think that actually works for the story, making the end feel less abrupt.

Ronnie's redneckishness does seem over-the-top in my opinion though.

lol not bad i liked it  all my guess is you have some ideas for a beginning  a middle you can streatch the end out too, dont sweat the small stuff but you better write the complete script here you can post and we will help or rather those that know a lot i just know when i read something i like and i did this work up a 60 page think more, research some post and keep at it, you will need more ending but you knew that and your lawyer interesting he quoted the Bible more of that maybe?    btw leave the redneck alone he is the real deal i know way too many   like him( not the child molester type just 'necks) thanks for the work...jim

Quoted from bert ...that two readers came away with two interpretations of the tone and mood of this script -- and he should carry that lesson forward into future works.

I  will, in fact creating the appropriate tone is something I'm trying to work on, so this was a valuable excercise to that extent...

Quoted from bert Only blakkwolfe knows for sure what he was going for.

Just an effective horror short that was a venting of sorts.

James and Jammers, I'm glad you guys liked it, and thank you for your comments.

In retrospect I would have made Ronnie alot angrier and scarier as an atagonist...The lawyer should have been a bit more fearful, that this plan may or may not have worked...True, there was a level of trust between lawyer and client, but this is a violent, dangerous individual and should have been treated as such...

Jammer, I'm not sure there is enough story in there to pull into a feature, but who knows?

I do like this short, and I plan to keep working on it, polishing it and making it a good quality sample. Thanks again for taking a look.

very nice. you captured what a lot of people feel when it comes to pedophiles. burn these motherfuckers down.

nicely written and to the point. i'm not much of a critic. i'm just a beginner but i liked it. i'm even thinking about using this script for a uni project. i would have to rewrite it in german but that should be no problem. and it will be quite cheap to produce.

anyway i'll let u know.

Joe,

I think the script lacks a center of drama.  Ronnie's problem doesn't start until the last page.  Up until that, all we get is him gloating about his victory.  Big whoop.  Even then, your protagonist is a complete bastard.  Who cares?  I didn't.  The only satisfaction that one might get out of the script is that he got what he deserved, but, even then, I wasn't enthralled by any part of the story.  

On a different note, I do think you handled your characters very well in the script, especially Ronnie.  He'd make a perfect antagonist.  However, I think without a story, conflict, and a likeable protagonist, you don't really have much.  

Hey blakkwolfe,

Not bad. I do have to agree with Mike and others. Ronnie is just to "Yee-haw" for me. Might as well have him slide across the hood of Mitch's car and climb in through the window. When Mitchell says "Money talks," I found myself wondering "whose money." Ronnie sure as hell don't sound like he's got any.

Now correct me if I'm wrong but Mitchell purposely did this case (pro bono) and won just to be able to torture this guy. Seems like a lot of sicko behavior from seemingly normal people. Seems like everybody is taunting and laughing when extracting revenge in these scripts. Maybe if one of the torturers expressed an intense anger after a few act with mocking malice. Kinda to put the situation back in perspective. Eh, that's just me.

I did like the "couple of relatives you may not have met yet" line.

All in all, good show.