Batman and Robin: Final Crash :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Batman & Robin notes 10/20/07

Page 1.
The transition that you have starting the story does not work. You have FADE IN: Dark. Do you see that? We go from darkness to a picture to darkness and so the story is being told in darkness.

The next sentence is for a shooting script where directions are given, not this type of script which is spec.

First paragraph.
There is no need to say a "salient rock". How or why is this rock even worthy of being salient in the sense of being outstanding? For that matter if you use it in the other form then your just saying a "rock that jutts or projects" out of the ground. Again, not needed.

Is it supposed to obvious that the bat is part of a "batcave?" or a roost?

Second paragraph.
"Above the monitor". You have not established a monitor to be above.
You have the bats literally singing the opening theme? I think first and foremost you should let the audience know if this version of Batman is supposed to be more realistic like Batman Begins, or more "campy" like the 70's version or an animation. A bat commanding an orchestra of bats, is just stopping me from reading without knowing the feel of your story. It's imaginative definitely. I know this is a comedy, but...
Its supposed to be a comedy but you're already saying that the sight of the bats singing is unsightly. That's conflicting to me.

That whole paragraph should be simplified. The whole first paragraph can be this:
"A bat approaches a small rock, mounts it and pauses. It opens its wings and like a conductor, begins commanding the multitude of bats before it."

Something like this is so that the narrative is smooth, clean, to the point. Descriptive yes, but just enough to get the point across and let the reader simply "see" this.

Third paragraph.
How is red light and fog exuberant? exuberant adj 1: joyously unrestrained or maybe I'm wrong here?.
Again the camera directions are for another day, unless ofcourse you're shooting this. Just understand that this becomes very cluttery/un-required for the average reader viewing your masterpiece.

Your use of words and the weird way you go into the narratives is making me think that Batman, Dick, and Alfred are running into a club instead of "the" Batcave. Example "flamboyant colours in the background", "flamboyant lights". I don't mean this as a joke but are they gay?

So far the narratives are so overly descriptive and sorry to say, obsurd, I'm having a hard time reading this because I don't see the comedy in it. For that matter a formulating story. The story just seems bizarre and I'm stopping too much to think about what's happening, and I shouldn't be. Your script, as with any script should be a smooth read, smooth flow. The reader in my opinion, should only maybe stop for a story that may have subtext, which the subtext will add a piece of insight. But your story doesn't. I'm on the second half of page 2 and still really wondering whats going on. No real cohesion here.

"The rest of the cave is suggested by flamboyant colors in the background". How does this work to suggest an "area" by colors?

"BRUCE and DICK run down from the stairs HECTICALLY". That doesn't work.

Why is the whole Batcave an "eye-burning sight".

Page 2.
"he's about to get a heart attack, but in short time, his heart calms down". That does not work. The way in which you write is so inconsistent that it suggests two people are writing this. You wording is off from narrative to narrative, dialogue to dialogue.

INT. BATCAVE, DRESSING ROOM
BATMAN puts one leg onto a dressing table and bends down. ROBIN takes the zip fastener and zips it from his groin to his ass. Batman does the same WITH Robin. While zipping, THEIR patterned underwear peep out of the hero suit. They put on the maskes FOR EACH OTHER. Robing tempering with Batman's cowl. Finally manges to lock it." At this point seriously, hmmmm.

"LURID just as the batmobile level". What does this mean?

Alfred just finished cleaning a "Bat" vehicle with a mop? Not funny as comedy if that's what you're going for, again just really odd. Not even as a campy gag funny.

"HISSING MECHANICAL NOISE. The Batwing slowly emerges in a vertical position from the smoky misty murk. Lights up and stops. Two ladders under it to help the heroes get in". Your narratives just don't work. Smoky, misty, murk. I can just leave that alone.

Page 3.
First narrative again is far too descriptive.

"The whole cave QUITTERS" and you have "QUITTERS" in caps so I assume you see whats wrong with it? Or no?

Ok so now I see that you are in fact in some way trying to go homosexual with this story. Couple problems here bud. First off, to me, Batman and Robin being portrayed as gay is just not funny. That as a premise in itself is not funny to me. Secondly, you would have to have some real comedic skill and timing to have ANY CHANCE of turning two comic legends into gays and that would still be pushing it.

The Dickwing?

"Totally red". What is that?

"A young couple SNOGGING", What is snogging?

"batcave emanating LURID LIGHTS", no need to highlight this. Also LURID just doesn't work here. Now you can be a little descriptive. "Brownish lights", "Pale yellow lights".

GIRL " Look, Jason! Do you think what I think? Bruce Wayne is Batman or what?" Sentence structure is ALL wrong.

"Goes to fingering ON her". What!? Fingering on her? I've travelled the world and all, heard TONS of twisted innuendo and sexual descriptions, but you're really not on the money here at all.

"Perhaps it's just my finger techinique disturbing your mind". See this is what I mean. It's like you have two people writing this. Your writing, your dialogue, structure, flow... nothing is consistent. It's like many authors added to this like a fourth grade ad-lib.

Maybe the conversations between Batman and Robin work them selves out later in the story, but to be honest, this story is recklessly all over the place and I can't convince my self that it's worth reading past page three to find anything else out. There is no story here. Just stuff happening.

I have a very quirky, raw, off the wall sense of humor but nothing at all within the first three pages is remotely funny. Just really bizarre. As an audience I can't watch this. As a reader there is no story formulating. It almost seems like you just started writing with nothing in mind.

On a scale of one to ten: 1