Power-Cut by James Carlette - Short - Two lost souls are brought together by a power-cut.  11 pages - pdf, format

What is it that you were after with this one, James?

Your writing is fine, and the dialogue felt real enough.

In fact, your little "slice of life" here was a bit too real.

Unless I missed it, nothing happened.  I kept waiting and waiting -- until this story ultimately ended with a big, "Oh, well."

Am I just being dense and missing something?

This is, I think, an interesting piece, if only because it is so subtle.

Too often we're presented with OTT scripts that read as if written by a loud, carnival barker -- one of my own scripts comes to mind -- that we start to lack appreciation for quieter pieces.

I enjoyed this "slice of life." As for what happened, I suspect Bert is correct, nothing. And yet it is, IMO, satisfying in that it isn't entirely unexpected given the emptiness of jacob's life. He's disconnected, unplugged -- hence the title, the double entendre, "Power Cut."

Seth

Thank you both for taking the time to read and comment. It's really appreciated.

My aim with this short was really twofold:

Firstly, I wanted to see if I could write a character-based piece. With my previous attempt at a short I think I tried to be a bit too clever and the characterisation suffered as a result. With this one I wanted to do something much simpler.

Secondly, I wanted to see if I could write a piece along the lines of an Anton Chekhov / James Joyce short story: something almost happens, but then doesn't.

If done properly, you end up with a "slice of life" that sticks with people. If done poorly, it's just a slightly boring piece in which nothing happens. Having re-read it just now, I have to be honest and say that I'd probably try to add more plot (or "a" plot, really) if I decided to try to develop it. But I'm interested in what other people think...

Hey, just got a chance to read it.

Like you said, "If done properly, you end up with a 'slice of life' that sticks with people. If done poorly, it's just a slightly boring piece in which nothing happens."  Unfortunately, I think it's the latter.

It would feel a lot better as the beginning of a 110 page script instead of just a short.  It's just that, as it is, nothing really happens...which is good in some cases, but this story kind of needed more to happen.

If you're looking for errors, halfway down page 7 you put a period after the question-mark.

But there's nothing wrong with your writing.  The dialogue is solid, as are the actions.  It's just the story that brought you down.

Hope this helps.

I wouldn't say this was boring, exactly, it just wasn't very dramatic. I can understand what you were trying to achieve but I think you need to work a bit more on the characters and make them something special in order to achieve your goal.  As it was they were just normal everyday people.  I think even if your plot doesn't go anywhere your film still needs to take us somewhere we haven't been.  I don't think this script did that and I think that is perhaps its flaw.

Hey James.

This wasn't bad at all, and it certainly was a fast read, but the script lacked a hook. Not much is happening in this story, both the second and third act need punch.

Don't get me wrong, it is very well written but something is missing for it to stand out.

A couple of suggestions:

"The street lights have just come on" should be "The streetlights come on" (or some variation) because in a film you would have no way of knowing how long the lights have been on.

"Becky is sat" should be "Becky sits"

"Even Jacob can’t help feeling a little sorry for her", here you need to show and not tell.

Anyways, a nice job here - but incomplete imo.

Cheers
Rob

Thank you all for the comments - it's been really informative.

The general consensus seems to be that the characters and dialogue are fine, I just need to do something with them to make it worth reading. Which is fair enough. I approached this as a character-piece and obviously I went too far in that direction.

My next script will have a plot. I promise.

Quoted Text "Even Jacob can’t help feeling a little sorry for her", here you need to show and not tell.

Good point. Maybe just:

"Jacob looks sympathetic."?

This was a very simplistic story so no wonder it was simplistic the way it is written.  But what I really liked was how the simplicity had a hidden depth.

When you write that Jacob had no ornaments in his home I was fascinated by what sort of person would not own a single ornament. That's strange in itself. It sys so much more about the character.

I like how you portrayed Jacob as empty and  disconnected with society. very tragic or pathetic character. Depends on what way you look at it.

As someone mentioned above and I have to agree is the subtlety of your script.

Solid writing  when Jacob and Becky meet during black out, all the possibilities, all the emotions and words that could have been expressed and nothing happens cause they take no action.

I have to disagree with everyone who said that  this script is incomplete or needs a hook or whatever.

This script worked for me and I really dig it cause of not what happens, but the subtext of all the things that could have happened, should have happened, what the characters wanted to happen but never does happen.

Quoted from tonkatough This was a very simplistic story so no wonder it was simplistic the way it is written.  But what I really liked was how the simplicity had a hidden depth. When you write that Jacob had no ornaments in his home I was fascinated by what sort of person would not own a single ornament. That's strange in itself. It sys so much more about the character. I like how you portrayed Jacob as empty and  disconnected with society. very tragic or pathetic character. Depends on what way you look at it. As someone mentioned above and I have to agree is the subtlety of your script. Solid writing  when Jacob and Becky meet during black out, all the possibilities, all the emotions and words that could have been expressed and nothing happens cause they take no action. I have to disagree with everyone who said that  this script is incomplete or needs a hook or whatever. This script worked for me and I really dig it cause of not what happens, but the subtext of all the things that could have happened, should have happened, what the characters wanted to happen but never does happen.

Well said. I, too, think this is a complete script -- one that not only works, but works well.

Seth

Thanks. All these comments have been encouraging - if not a little confusing.  

Guess it's something of a marmite issue.

Just read your short.

It's true what others have pointed out. Nothing happens, but I can live with that, sort of.

Your writing was fine and broken up just nice.

My main complaint here would be that it moves too slow. This would be an almost 10 min film and to be honest with you, if I was watching this on a film site I wouldn't have watched it all the way through. I think you can probably have the story the way it it with nothing much happening, but I definitely think it needs tightening. I don't think this piece needs to be longer than 5 minutes of film. Any longer and you risk losing the audience.

While I was reading this I thought Becky had flipped the main swith so she would have a reason to go knock on his door.

Your carachterization work well and dialogue was fine too.

Pia

Thanks, Pia.

Yeah, the more I look back on this one the more I think it needs some sort of hook - nothing fancy, but just... something.

Becky masterminding the power-cut isn't a bad idea. Hmmm, have to give it some thought.

Nice short James.

I agree, very simple, understated.  Not sure why people so often mistake subtlety for nothing happening.  There's enough going on here, for me anyways.

I think the ending doesn't quite pack as much punch as it could though, simply because I was never quite sure if Jacob was simply lonely or just a loner by choice. For that reason I'm not sure how tragic this all really is for him. I'd suggest any rewrites focus more on fleshing out his character a little deeper, IMO anyway.  IS he coming off a bad relationship - a little gunshy maybe, or something else perhaps.  

I think this is filmable but it would certainly require athe right actors and a director who understands all the subtle nuances in the script.

Good Job.

-Mike

Hi Mike,

Thanks for comments.

[Self-promotion] If you liked this one, you might want to check out the revised draft of my current short over in 'Work in progress' [/Self-Promotion]