Jon's Clambake by T. Joseph Fraser (Blakkwolfe) - Short, Horror -  A wanna-be ghost hunter wants to impress a girl with paranormal photographs. 5 pages - pdf, format

Hey Joe, this was for the MP contest I believe.  I thought it worked pretty well, for Some reason Jon reminded me of John Cusack in 1408.  I think with the restraints you were in for the contest you did pretty well.  I think now you could add a little more to it.  Maybe when John See's the picture he took there could be a ghostly image or something.  Also maybe some creepy sounds as well.  Anyways it was a quick read and worked well for what you were supposed to accomplish.

Hey Jordan; Thanks for the read. I enjoyed working on this for that other contest, and I did some revisions based on that feedback.

This was sort of autobiographical in the sense that I had volunteered with our local paranormal investigation group, but was turned down because I was a screenwriter with motivations other than "the truth is out there..." Oh well.

it's also an opportunity to make reference to the 2007 World Champion Boston Red Sox, even though when it was written they hadn't won yet...No more cryin' about 1918 and the infamous curse, which, as all true Sox fans know, was completely true.

Joe

Hey Blakkwolfe

I enjoyed this too.  Jon talking to himself was amusing and not being aware of the strange things happening behind him.  I'm not sure you need to add more, like him seeing the photo, we know he's gonna see it and we can guess what happens next.  I think maybe if we saw Patrick as a ghostly figure behind him might add a bit more atmosphere.

Good short and I really liked it.

Thanks for the read, Alffy...

I'd imagine that Patrick does indeed show up in the photo, Ashley is terribly impressed, and Jon gets lucky...

If someone were to film this, It would be cool to see some of the swirling fogs and mists behind him take on some human forms, like a procession of spirits just sort of hanging out with each other...

Good exercise for any budding Green Screeners or Special EFX guys out there..

Thanks again, I appreciate your comments and I'm glad you liked it.

Joe

I'm hooked. I enjoyed this twisted tale of graveyard soliloquies and supernatural phenomena. Are writing skills osmotic?

Can't wait to read what's next.

Hey, Blakkwolfe, thanks for the Celtx tip, I used it recently, it's great.

Hey Blakkwolfe,

I see you labled this as a horror, but I thought it was more a comedy.

I liked this one - it's pretty funny and very simple (simple meaning good). I like how this wise ass ghost hunter is totally oblivious to the ghost behind him. the dialogue works surprisingly well (I'm usually not very keen on people who talks to themself in scripts - but it seems in line with Jon's character).

Only thing that maybe could have made the script better is the ghost. I think you should have involved it a bit more. Maybe go a little more overboard in the comedic parts.

Anyways, good work.

Cheers
Rob

Quoted from sniper I see you labled this as a horror, but I thought it was more a comedy

Thanks for the read, Rob. I agree, and I was at a bit of loss as to how to catergorize it as it has ghosts and graveyards (which would be horror/supernatural) but with a strong (hopefully) comic slant...Comedy horror? Fantasy, maybe?

The original terms of the contest was it had to be one actor, so I couldn't add the ghost.

However, it would be great if the ghost was standing behind him, trying everything to get his attention while he was in his drunken monologue...Waving his hand in front of his face, jumping jacks, all sorts of things, subtle at first, then really animated till he finally gives up because Jon is so clueless...Kind of an Abbott and Costello routine...

Thanks for the suggestion, Rob!
Joe

Joe,

Great job establishing mood.  The mention of Turtle Pond brings back memories.  Probably could go without the dialogue on page 1, IMHO.  Given the note and Jon's cell, we sort of get his frame of mind.  

Fav line: So you know, we won it again in ‘04 (but that's undoubtedly biased on my part).

I feel like you have a good setup.  But I need to know what the orbs are.  I want Ashley to show up.  Or is that just it?  Ashley never showed - in human form - because she passed away before they could meet.  If that's the case, I would make it clear that those orbs and spirits have an aura of Ashley, and he found his ghost, after all.  

Nice job!

Tony

Quoted from Tony Gangemi Fav line: So you know, we won it again in ‘04 (but that's undoubtedly biased on my part).

Mine too; I'm concerned though that this generation of Red Sox Nation will not understand the true level of pain and suffering that must be endured to be a true, die hard Sox fan...Guess we'll have to leave that to the Cubbies...

Quoted from Tony Gangemi I feel like you have a good setup.  But I need to know what the orbs are.  I want Ashley to show up.  Or is that just it?  Ashley never showed - in human form - because she passed away before they could meet.

I must admit I hadn't even considered this possibility, but it is an extremely interesting interpretation given the set up...I just figured Ashley just blew him off cause something more interesting came up, or she just forgot (however, she did leave the little heart...Hmmm)

Thanks very much for the read, Tony!

I thought this was another good interpretation of the one character theme.  The setup and ensuing conversation was interesting, and his purpose for being there was perfectly believable.  Who doesn't do weird stuff in the hopes of getting laid?

As far as him seeing what's in the picture after taking it, it could work, but I don't think it's necessary either.  The script definitely takes you in that direction anyway, so it would just be filler.

I wouldn't mind seeing more of the ghost as an additional character though.  It would definitely take it more into a comedy realm if executed well.  Right now, it's more or less genre-less.  Definitely not horror.

Anyway, I liked it.  Keep up the good work.

Quoted from Shelton Who doesn't do weird stuff in the hopes of getting laid

I plead Nolo Contendre...

Thanks for the read and the comments, Mike.

In the hands of a good writer, these shorts can be a great read.  That's exactly what this was for me.  I know I'm supposed to say what I liked and what I would change, but I wouldn't change a thing.

Good work!  As a newbie, this is a wonderful lesson on how to write a short.

Thanks for the kind words, Yosef...I appreciate that very much.

Joe