Old Wounds by Pia - Short, Drama - A lonely man's old wounds continues to hurt until one day he cannot stand it any more and decides to end the pain once and for all. 6 pages - pdf, format

Hey, Pia.  This one ends really well.  Perfectly, in fact.

I was going to say something about Stuart talking to himself so much, but it seems necessary given our conclusion here.  It is also necessary to help break up the action in this description-heavy script.

I am not sure how to get around that problem.  Did you ever consider having Stuart muse to himself as V.O. rather than speaking aloud?  Consider that.

I also want to point out your “apple-cutting” scene, where you state, “He feeds the cat, gets a pot of coffee brewing.”  Several minutes of action.  Dull to watch.  I have been on the lookout for apple-cutting scenes lately and am surprised how often they crop up.  Look out for those.

You have a good setup and payoff here.  You are definitely on your way to building a nice library of work.  I just know that one of these days that feature is going to emerge haha.

Hey Bert thanks for reading.

As you might have figured by now, most of these 5 pagers that get posted here are entries to the MoviePoet contests. I don't post all of mine here, but I thought this one was okay. The assignment was one carachter onlly and as always 5 pages max.

It was a difficult balance to not have too much dialogue or too much descriptions. I agree that the descriptions should probably be trimmed some, but the bombmaking needed to be detailed so there would be no confusion about what he was doing. I know what you mean though with "apple cutting scene". I guess that's a verb now, haha.

And features...I wish I had a longer attention span. Sadly my scripts seem to be getting shorter and shorter.

Thanks again, can't wait to read your new one.

Hi Pia.

This was pretty good. Stuart's plan is a beauty.

Quoted from bert I was going to say something about Stuart talking to himself so much, but it seems necessary given our conclusion here.  It is also necessary to help break up the action in this description-heavy script. I am not sure how to get around that problem.  Did you ever consider having Stuart muse to himself as V.O. rather than speaking aloud?  Consider that.

Perhaps you could have quick flashbacks of the people abusing Stuart. This would eliminate the need to have Stuart talking to himself and would make a film adaptation visually more interesting.

Hello Pia,

I was hoping for a comedy as I needed my spirits to be lifted today, but that final punch here did make me chuckle a bit.  Not sadistic-like, but more of reactionary.  It's a snazzy piece.  Given the logline, I figured it to be a depressed guy contemplating suicide, but I guess, in a way, he's pretty much committing suicide by what he's about to do.  Bert mentioned using VO instead of having him talk aloud, but I think what you have here could work nicely.  I know that when people get really upset they tend to just vent what's going on in their heads, like they lose control and just let it all out.  I think this is one of those situations and it works effectively.

Overall a good piece.  And also echoing Bert, I know that feature is coming up!

Hey Pia,

Great to see something new from you.

I wasn' sure about this one -- until the end. That just tied everything up perfectly. It was a bit of a slow read and not a whole lot different things were going but the end really dotted the i's and crossed the t's.

It's not a story (or movie) that I would want to revisit a lot cos' - as I said - not much is happening. I think that if you went a little deeper into Stuart's psyche then you could probably build more tension earlier on. You know, just give us a bit more info on why he turns all UNAbomber'ish. I was sort of skimming some of the action, you know waiting for the hook. For me the end was the hook and that's probably a little too late.

Overall, I liked it. It is certainly well written and the plot is good but it didn't pull me in (unlike most of your other scripts)...but the end rocked!

Cheers
Rob

Unfortunately, Chris at MP had to delete my comments from this challenge. Oops.

I'm kinda surprised, Pia. The story's good, but I think the script could have a cleaner look. For instance, text that appears on screen is capitalized. The last line doesn't need (O/S), if the camera stays on the calendar. "The sound of the door opening and closing." is enough.

The "like soldiers in attention waiting for inspection." is a good line.

I would've given this a "Very Good".

Hey Pia

This is a interesting read, on a controvertial subject of terrorism.  I agree with bert about the V.O's but that's your call.  It is a slow read but it helps build some tension and suspense.  I know Stuart tells us why he hates these people but I just don't think it would lead to him becoming a terrorist, maybe more info on his background would help.  You say this had a maximum page limit which would make it hard to achieve that but I just thought he would need something more to tip him over the edge.

I did enjoy this read, even though my review doesn't sound like I did lol.  It was very well written and had a shockingly bleak outlook.  Good stuff.

Quoted from alffy I know Stuart tells us why he hates these people but I just don't think it would lead to him becoming a terrorist.

I wouldn't say that Stuart's a terrorist.

I didn't really have any issues with him talking to himself.  Like Greg said, people have a habit of doing that at times when they're pissed off.  I know I do.

It's an effective short, taking place all in one location, and it's complete.  I've seen a lot of the movie poet scripts that left a lot of room for expansion and needed it, but I don't think this falls into that category.

Good work.

Quoted from Chris Reid This was pretty good. Stuart's plan is a beauty. Perhaps you could have quick flashbacks of the people abusing Stuart. This would eliminate the need to have Stuart talking to himself and would make a film adaptation visually more interesting.

Chris,

Thanks for reading.

I like the idea of flashbacks and I might do that. At MoviePoet we were only allowed one carachter so I wasn't able to do that at that time.

Let me know if you have anything out there that I haven't read yet.

I'll get to all the other comments later, but right now the phones are ringing off the hook so I gtg.

Thanks again all.

Quoted from Greg I was hoping for a comedy as I needed my spirits to be lifted today

Greg,

Always a pleasure to have you read. I need to pay you back though...so hurry up and write something.

Sorry your spirits needed lifting. If I had known I would have written something amusing...I thought people wanted a downer.

Your suggestions are good and I appreciate them. You are both right.

Quoted from Greg Overall a good piece.  And also echoing Bert, I know that feature is coming up!

Feature, feature....that's why admire you young people that can churn them out without even breaking a sweat.

Thanks again Greg. If you ever need anything read, just send it on over.

Quoted from Sniper Hey Pia, Great to see something new from you. I wasn' sure about this one -- until the end. That just tied everything up perfectly. It was a bit of a slow read and not a whole lot different things were going but the end really dotted the i's and crossed the t's. It's not a story (or movie) that I would want to revisit a lot cos' - as I said - not much is happening. I think that if you went a little deeper into Stuart's psyche then you could probably build more tension earlier on. You know, just give us a bit more info on why he turns all UNAbomber'ish. I was sort of skimming some of the action, you know waiting for the hook. For me the end was the hook and that's probably a little too late. Overall, I liked it. It is certainly well written and the plot is good but it didn't pull me in (unlike most of your other scripts)...but the end rocked!

Sniper (I like that name, so I'll continue to use it)

I understand this might read slow. In fact I dislike reading action heavy scripts myself. However, I tried to write this as film and not just a story. I believe you should be able to tell a story visually and I think I did that here, even though it might not mean zippy reading. I'll admit (with shame) that one reason I never finished reading The Mute was because of too much text and no dialogue... Don't tell TJ!

Even the "apple cutting" scenes that Bert metioned would IMHO not necesarily be long and boring on film. Brewing coffee for example would take no more than a few seconds. Editing would be tight and not showing him pouring water, grinding beans, getting a filter out and so on. Just a quick flash of pushing the button or pouring coffee into a cup.

Mike,

Thanks for reading and seeing it as intended. IMO, this has a beginning/set-up.
Stuart receives a letter. What does the letter say? He's afected by it.

He circles a date on a calendar. What was in the letter? Must have been something important.

He's reminiscing and gets sad while having a few beers. What was in that letter?

He's making pipe bombs??

He's got a suicide vest. He dresses up and then the reveal. IMHO, that is a complete story. We find out what was in the letter, he gets upset as he's reminded about the bad old days, he decides to get revenge and we see what his plan is.

Some of the descriptions, the cat and so on, were just to add carachter. Make him look like a nice guy that was just dealt a bad card from the beginning.

Alffy,

thank you for reading!!

To all of you who read, please let me know what I can read of yours.

Thanks again!

Pia

Btw, thanks Phil

I liked the idea of the script and, like others, loved the ending.  However, I felt like I was wading through minutae.  I would like the writing to be more concise, maybe a little tighter.  Hopefully that makes sense.

Overall, a great little story.  This guy would make a great villain.

Thanks for reading Yosef!

I guess the overall concensus here is it's a damn slow read, but the story itself works.

I kind of wish more people at MP had mentioned it so I could've already taken care of it.

I didn't really intend for Stuart to be a villain or terrorist type. More like a guy with deformed legs who's been bullied to the point where it left him scarred and he plans revenge on them.

Thanks again for reading.

Pia

Hi Pia,
while reading your material I kept picturing the show, My Name Is Earl and the film, Forrest Gump in my mind's eye; not simultaneously mind you, but I did. Also, I believe your main reads a piece of mail at the outset of your short... Where was the payoff for that? He already had the reunion date marked off on his calendar... I think, and who doesn't have an opinion, nonetheless, that you could benefit from paring your descriptions down a lot,  to make them flow more smoothly, and add a new dimension to the story generally. But, I'm no accredited writer.

I liked your ending as tidy as it was, though.

Courhaw,

Thanks a lot for reading.

The letter is supposed to be the highschool reunion invitation and that's why he writes it down on the calendar. Maybe I didn't make that clear somehow. I will look into that.

Ahhhh...the descriptions. I guess I messed up there. Last thing I want to do is turn people off and don't finish the story, or even worse, get bored.

Thanks again for reading and let me know when you got something of your I can read.

Pia