Cloaking Douglas by Antonio Gangemi & Aimee Parrott - Short - An insecure scientist uses an invisibility cloak to spy on and woo his beautiful neighbor. (13 pages) - pdf, format

Hey guys,

Cute but a little too out there. Scattered. Couple of things:

Why make a point to invent DARPA if it has no bearing on the story. Plus if he really worked for a company, why is he conducting experiments in an aprtment complex.

Lulu is completely dense. How many things does she blaim on the "stupid wind." And way to dismissing on how Douglas knew the girl was a banshe.

I'm guessing the invisibilty creates a warped transparency, almost like in the predator movies. Or else I don't get how the whole "outline" keeps appearing.

It is weird how douglas all of a sudden has the confidence to form full sentences around Lulu when nothing personally happens to him to change him. If anything he should be more insecure cause he did a bonehead thing like locking himself out.
The character just changed.

Why is he out of breath? Did he have to run home to beat her there. If so: 1) why? Seems like a scummy move for the good guy to run home to make a move on the heartbroken girl and 2) if he did you missed a chance for some comedy of him running home, especially if he's still invisible.

Oh, why Ricardo even in the story? I get his character purpose to the plot, but what justification does he have to be there. He doesn't seem to be contributing to the experiment which I think he's supposed to be working on. But there isn't even the angle of him letting Douglas do the work and him taking the credit. It's like you said "we need a scumbag to balance out nice guy Douglas."

I like the overall "Nobody's perfect and we should all be ourselves" message but a lot of stuff gets in the way. You have a decent enough premise for a funny short but it needs some retooling.

This was pretty amusing.  The premise was fun and the dialogue really made it come alive.  I see that there are two names attached to this.  Interesting because it really felt like one voice as I was reading this.  Not sure if one of you was more involved than the other, if not then I'd say you both seem to really be in sync with each other.

I like the idea that this all took place in a condo complex.  It portrays these guys as science geeks right out of college or something, conducting experiments on their own.

One thing I will pick on is that Ricardo seems a bit miscast as a lab assistant.  Maybe you could rework it so that he's some jealous ex boyfriend of Lulu.  Make him more of a threat to Douglas as well.  Have Douglas come to her rescue say, take on the bully and thereby win her affection in the process.  You might want to think about it.  

All in all I enjoyed this.  It even had a bit of heart to it.

Hey Tony & Aimee;

This was OK...Got off to a real strong start, but kind of lost some of its charm when Doug was stalking around her apartment...He already got what he wanted (a date) and for him to go running around her home at this point was a little creepy...(especially just to find a date idea)

What's DARPA? Assume its a patenting firm or something...

Liked the revealing ending, particulary the fascination of the matronly nieghbor...

My suggestion is this to arrive at the same point...Things are fine with Doug and Lulu, Ricardo-all jilted shows up and reveals his secret that he has an invisibility cloak- she throws him out and ACT III proceeds as is...

Characters drive the comedy nicely.

Joe

A nice premise and some fun moments.  I like Douglas.  He's got that nebbish feel, but its not such a stretch that he would come out of his shell, even if it's because of scientific witchcraft (I know how that reads, but think about it).

I'm not sure what he sees in Lulu, other than the outside, but the theme is about the inner person being more important, which is what I thought the ending was about, but other than the fact she carried a Barnes & Noble bag, so what?  When Douglas spied on her the first time, that would have been an opportunity to see more than the pot belly and the butt, but what would draw him to her.