Don't Go In The Bathroom by Michael Cornetto - Short, Horror - A brutally assaulted young woman believes her bathroom is haunted by the assailant she killed, but a social worker tries to convince her otherwise. 8 pages - pdf, format


I finally figured out how to get the embed information from the channel.  This was filmed a while ago but there was always a problem getting the complete film online.  It's in two parts.

Hmmm...not sure about this one.

Nothing wrong with the writing, but it seems to start off one way, then there's a twist, and then what seems like another twist.  At least that's what I got out of it, but I may be completely off the mark.

Middle of page 5 - A Margaret is missing an A.

Other than that, I have some stuff to offer, but depending on what the actual meaning of things is, they may be of no use.  I'll wait for an explanation.

Hey Mike,

Thanks for the read.

What type of explanation are you looking for?   I'm not sure what you want me to explain.  It has a couple of twists.

Well, I was thinking that she had this horrible experience in the bathroom that caused her to not go in there, but then it turned out to be a "floater".  Then it goes back to the original aspect of the ghost/deadguy in the bathroom.

Is that right?

Sounds about right.  I'm not sure what you mean by "floater", but there is an indication of a problem with the toilet design.   I didn't think you could read it much any other way.  Can you?

Well this one was weird. I liked the beginning, and Anne's cowardliness....and I got a chuckle out of Margaret's reaction when she sees the tubs full of pee and poo.

But my question is: did Lou kill Margaret? Or is that a think that us audience members aren't supposed to know? I hate it when that happens.

To be honest with you, I don't really see a point in this story (no offense), but then again, it is an 8 pages short so what are you going to do? I liked it though. Just wish that there was more and that some things could have some explaining.

Sean

Like Mike said, this could go two different ways.
The ghost way or her imagining it.

I think it would be a lot creepier if it was all in her head, and we found that out at the end by maybe having the tea cups gone from the table or something.

cindy

Quoted from mcornetto Sounds about right.  I'm not sure what you mean by "floater", but there is an indication of a problem with the toilet design.   I didn't think you could read it much any other way.  Can you?

Floater - a turd that won't flush.


Initially I was going to suggest that you didn't really need the beginning sequence between Anne and Lou, because you could use that missing piece to your advantage in order to build suspense and have the reader/audience really wondering what's going on and why she refuses to go into the bathroom.  Then it crosses over to the comedy side briefly before going back to the original theme that something truly horrible happened in there.

Now I think that the comedic part is what's out of place.

Hey Sean and Cindy,

Thanks for the read.

Sean,

Taking if for granted that the audience will assume Lou killed Margaret.  I thought about adding a flush to the time passes section, but I didn't.

There isn't really much of a point except to have a bit of fun and provide a few scares on an unusual horror subject.  And to do it at a budget that equals the amount of point.

EDIT: This is not to imply that there was no attention paid to the story or the characters - only that there isn't any underlying message.

Cindy,

I really like that suggestion.  I may use that if I do another draft.  Though my intention in this draft is that the ghost is real.


Mike,

Thought that's what you meant by a "floater".  No there isn't a "floater".  Though that does give me ideas.

The comedy is all through the script.  The very fact that the guys name is LOU is an indication that I was smirking when I wrote this script.

I understand your story perfectly, Cornetto.  I was not confused at any point.  This is almost a twisted cousin to "He", isn't it?  I do have some comments on it, though.

I would not have Anne tell Margaret to simply, "come in."  Seems a better line is demanded there, something a little more defiant.

I understand that the CLUCK sound is supposed to mimic the sound Lou made earlier, but I simply cannot hear it in my head.  I have never heard a toilet CLUCK.  Perhaps a BURP would be more recognizable?  Running water?  At any rate, I would suggest a different sound effect.  Put on your thinking cap, go sit by your toilet for a while, and come up with something better.

And I am not that fond of the ending as you have it.  Specifically, seeing Lou again.  It reads like Lou is in the toilet, for starters, but my biggest problem is bringing him back at all.  This story needs a suggestion of violence, not something overt, and the fate of Margaret should be implied.

I found the setup to be effective and compelling.  This is a story that could be whipped into really good shape.  Could you somehow implicate Anne in what happens to Margaret?  That is one suggestion, but there is lots of stuff you could do.  I just don’t think that final scene is the answer.

Ah jeez, you had me really enjoying this up until the very end.  I think up until Anne looks in the toilet I thought this was a top notch creeper.  

For the "yellow fluid" and "brown paste" I think you can be straight up and say urine and cr** or something.  While on film the viewer would get it immediately, it may take a little extra for the reader to go ooooh like I did when it had to be explained.  When all was said and done, though, I thought the jars were a disgustingly imaginative add-on.

Liked your characters and I liked your dialogue and felt the direction was grade-A stuff, but the ending just threw me off the train and ran me over and chopped me into little pieces.  The ending suddenly turns this into a paranormal teen-slasher type story which I felt was a very abrupt way to end this.

So I'd say 95% of this worked well for me.  Had no problem following the story and felt you did a great job at creating an atmosphere and keeping it at a good pace. Good stuff.

Hey Bert, Greg

Thanks for the read.  

Bert,

I guess this is He's twisted cousin, not intentionally, but I can see it too.

I didn't particularly like that line either - but I compensated for it with the delivery in my head.  Wouldn't hurt to change it I suppose.

CLUCK - I was very worried people might not be able to understand this sound.  I always pictured it as a water dripping sort of sound. If you make a vacumn on the roof of your mouth with your tounge and then drop your tounge, that is the sound I am describing. But if that's too hard to get then I'll give it a think and see if I can come up with a better one.

These suggestions that Anne should be less than innocent are intriguing. I am definitely going to give that concept some heavy though.

Greg,

Was just being literal about what you would see on screen. I wouldn't want some director thinking the cast and crew would need to fill all that tupperware.  It probably wouldn't hurt to change those words. I'll give it a try if and when I do a next draft.

Yep. Peoples don't like the ending. Which is ok. I'm happy everyone is letting me know. It's abrupt because I had a page count restriction when I wrote this.

Thanks again for the read guys.  Pleased to know that you all enjoyed at least a percentage of it.

BTW - I'm going to be offline for a number of days because I am moving tomorrow and I don't know exactly when my internet will be hooked up again.  So if anyone else gives this a read (please do) remember that it might be a few days before I can respond to your comments.

I'm feeling pretty 50/50 about this. I kinda like it but then again I kinda don't like it.

I thought the premise was good, the deep fear Anne's got for the bathrrom after her ordeal with Lou, came across believable in my book. And I thought your opening scene was very well written.

Enter Margaret. This is where the script began to came apart for me. I thought some of her dialogue was very poorly executed. The "WHEN!" and "You filthy disgusting girl", seems forced and strange. I understand that you need Margaret to exorcise Anne's demons and that was a good way to get her involved in the story. One thing I don't understand though is why would a person named Margaret prefer to be adressed as Meg?

Moving on to the end. The way you descibe it would not hold up on film. Nobody's gonna want to sit for 10 minutes and watch Anne play with a tea bag.

Is Lou inside the actual toilet bowl? Is he sitting on the toilet? I couldn't make out what it was you meant here. It sounds like he's floating around in the toilet bowl and that almost made me laugh. If he is, then Anne should sit down and take a big ol' cr** on him.

Btw. no need to cap your dialogue. A simple ! works better.

Cheers
Rob

Hi Michael.  

Your first page is pretty cool.  Engaging, dramatic, etc.  After that....uh, what happened?  Margaret acts more like Anne's mother than a social worker.  Would a social worker really say "you filthy disgusting girl?"  Seems weird to me.  In fact, your entire story is weird.  Is this meant to be tongue-in-cheek?  Offbeat?  Scary?  Funny?  Funny and scary?  It wasn't really any of them.  It was kind of stupid.  

I scanned briefly that you wrote; "There isn't really much of a point except to have a bit of fun and provide a few scares on an unusual horror subject."  If there isn't a point, then I would encourage you to trash this script and not waste time, money, and man-hours on it.  I've watched plenty of shorts, with scripts shorter than this, where I've cared about the characters, was into the story, and where it had a legitimate point.  

That said, the concept is cool, it seems to understand the structure and mechanics of screenwriting, but, I would encourage you to incorporate a purpose in your script, because otherwise, who gives a cr**?  I didn't.  But, I did enough to tell you this...

Good luck.  

Hey sniper, ka3mapx (whoever you are)

sniper,

I like the filthy disgusting girl line because it says quite a bit about Meg's institutional attitude - she wants to put Anne in line - It's an overcontrolling thing to say.  It's beneath her to be there.

Meg is a nickname for Margaret. Margaret has some weird nicknames.  Pinky for instance is also a nickname for Margaret.

The intention for the time passes was to indicate a filmic time transition, not filming for ten minutes.  See Greg, this is why I did not refer to it as urine and cr**.

The ending will change if I ever do a rewrite. I just wanted to give the impression of the surprise of seeing Lou which is why I was quite terse with it.

ka3mapx,

So sorry that you wasted your time reading my script and that you felt it was stupid and that you were unable to relate to it.  Thanks for sharing.  Do you have any shorts online you'd like me to read and comment on?

See you guys after the move.