SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is December 16th, 2018, 9:03am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
October OWC Who Wrote What and Writers Choice
And the Hyper Epic pick is...

The Night Gallery 7WC Scripts

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Transmuters Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Transmuters  (currently 2222 views)
Don
Posted: November 29th, 2007, 6:00pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
12611
Posts Per Day
1.93
Transmuters by Elisabeth Dubois (elis) - Sci Fi - A revolutionary enzyme, aimed at curing cancer, is  canned when it accidentally radiates and kills one of its researching pharmacists. Its research resurfaces a few years later, revealing an unusual side effect. 94 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
ABennettWriter
Posted: November 29th, 2007, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
San Francisco, CA
Posts
921
Posts Per Day
0.22
I'm not a big sci-fi reader, so I don't know if the technical names are mentioned in the scripts. I have no idea what a neutron flux or a a gamma-ray radiometer are.

Perhaps you should describe them?

So far, so good, though.

EDITED: Actually... Page 4: If you want the audience to know it's four years later, you've gotta superimpose it. Having it in the slugline doesn't make it so. And if that's what you want the director to do, you've gotta tell him that, too.

Why is there a comma in every one of Sammy's lines? It's distracting. And I don't really get the sense of the actor reading it like that. The comma means there's a pause. Do you really want the actor to say, "Is it (pause) Nana?" If that's what you want, fine, but it doesn't read right.

Revision History (1 edits)
ABennettWriter  -  November 29th, 2007, 7:05pm
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 5
elis
Posted: December 1st, 2007, 10:41am Report to Moderator
Purple


Can't wait for the snow!

Location
Canada, Alberta
Posts
316
Posts Per Day
0.07
Hi ABSteel,
This script has plagued me for over 6 months. I need fresh eyes to flush out exactly what you have started doing.
I appreciate you taking the time to read it.
Elisabeth


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 2 - 5
tomson
Posted: December 2nd, 2007, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi Elis,

Sorry it took me so long to finish.

Iím trying to be as helpful as I can with this and hope you take it as such. You also know Iím not a pro so these are just my humble opinions.

SPOILERS:

Letís start out looking at this script from afar and then move in closer.

I think the general story line here is fine, but not really unique. It does have a nice feel to it though with the idea of curing cancer and the idea of curing the aging process. It felt like a film suitable to the Lifetime network, but not the big screen. Which is fine if thatís what you intended. Thereís nothing wrong with writing for television. In fact thereís probably a better chance at getting a script sold for television film than one intended for big theatrical releases.

This script is 93 pages, which is only 2.5 pages more than the common 90 page minimum for a feature. The reason I mention that is because Iím not 100% sure that the story is 92+ pages. Iím sure youíve read/heard that every single line in a script is important and needs to move the story forward. You have a lot of lines like this ďhe gets up, she sits down,  Jody looks at Peter, Frank canít believe itĒ. I understand that it is important to add some action lines so thereís not just dialogue, but at the same time, lines like those do not move the story forward.  Some of them come across as just fillers. You have quite a few of those types of lines and if you remove them this script would be a lot shorter. (I think) My suggestion would be to add to this story with action lines that adds interest and or moves the story forward. I know you can do it.

I liked the idea of Sammie being able to make people healthy, but at the same time I think it was revealed a little too early. IMHO, I would have liked to see/feel a little more mystery around that part. Once it becomes clear what Sammie can do we know right away whatís going to happen next time someone ďillĒ shows up.

The beginning of this script was good and I was immediately interested. In a way I wished the whole story would have had a little more of the ďsci-fiĒ stuff. I like that and like I said, the beginning works.

Nice jump to four years later! However, the script slows down some after that too. This goes back to what I mentioned earlier about driving the story forward.  Even though itís important to establish the carachters, I think you can do that while adding interest too. The bedroom scene is fine and works, but the following scenes donít do much. A lot of chit chatting and phone conversations. Maybe Iím just so used to reading and writing 5 page scripts that I get impatient.

You set up the party and the nursing home parts well, but when Sammie cures the young girl and the old woman you speed through it. Thatís where the interesting parts are to me at least. Iíd like to see you expand on those things.  I wanted to see more. I also wanted to know more about Melissaís illness. Show us how sheís ill. Right now the adults briefly talk about it and she looks pale. Build on it. Make us feel more for her, worry about her so we can feel even better when she gets cured.

Iím not so sure itís necessary for Michelle to be ill. It doesnít add too much, because as soon as we find out sheís ill, we know Sammie will cure her. I do like how Sammie can hear them calling him. I thought that was great. Liked the purple haze too.

The ending seemed a little weird in a way. First off it ended pretty much as I thought it would, but I had some problem with the reactions of the people. I think I would have believed it and accepted it had it not been 15 years later. Besides them all looking older, it felt as if it was just a few months or a year later.

Zooming in a little now.  

I think the carachter of Jody was fine. She was likable and believable. Maybe getting teary eyed one or two too many times, but maybe not.

Sammy seemed a LOT older than 3 years old most of the time. He did come across as a very sweet and likable boy however. I think I would have liked to see him a tad older.

Michelle was okay.  I didnít really have anything against her, but she didnít add much either to me.

Peter was fine too. In fact I would have liked to see more of him. I thought Jody and Peter would end up together. It seemed almost weird that almost 20 years after her husband has died, sheís still aloneÖ I understand she misses her husband, but after that length of time, she could have found someone new.

The villains were okay too. I think they could be a little more sinister even. What exactly were their motives anyway? Greed, fame, what? That something I think could be expanded on as well.

There were some typos here and there, but I didnít write them down. If you want me to I can point them out, but at the moment Iím getting tired of typing, haha.

Several times you mentioned draws. Is that what you call drawers down under or is it something else?

You also have on several occasions the much discussed ďwe see and we hearĒ. They donít really bother me too much unless there are a lot of them and you had quite a few. Especially towards the more action filled end.

Ditto that for words that end with Ďing. I forget what they are called, but it reads better I think if itís written in present tense.

Boy I think this might be my longest post ever. Iím going to quit now, but might come back and add stuff later.

All in all I think you did a good job, but it needs some tweaking.

If you have any questions at all, just ask. I often come across as confusing.

Hope this was helpful.

Pia
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 5
ABennettWriter
Posted: December 2nd, 2007, 7:28pm Report to Moderator
Green



Location
San Francisco, CA
Posts
921
Posts Per Day
0.22
"-ing" words are in passive tense.

While it's good to use as many active verbs as possible, using it every time can turn a good script into an okay script.

I use whichever reads better.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 5
elis
Posted: December 4th, 2007, 3:14am Report to Moderator
Purple


Can't wait for the snow!

Location
Canada, Alberta
Posts
316
Posts Per Day
0.07
Wow Pia! What a time consuming review. Thank you!
Firstly,  

I too, am getting too use to reading shorts and tend to want things to move quickly, so thanks for taking time out to read a feature.

You have provided me with so much needed feed back.

I didn't really intend it to be a script suitable for TV, but I think you may be right.

I am going to print your review and use it as a guide for my rewrite. You have made a lot of interesting points, especially the time factor ;  the possible union of Peter and Jody and Michelle's role.
Also, Sammie could be older, that will also be another thing to consider.

You've been a great help.

Thanks again,
Elisabeth



Revision History (1 edits)
elis  -  December 6th, 2007, 6:53am
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 5 - 5
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006