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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Tower of Wishes Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Tower of Wishes  (currently 10068 views)
SimplyScripts
Posted: December 9th, 2007, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Tower of Wishes by Matias Caruso (mr. z) - Short, Fantasy - Hell has many gates. Lust and greed are two of them. 7 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
bert  -  December 9th, 2007, 3:46pm
Those Argentenians can be so demanding.....
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Mr.Z
Posted: December 9th, 2007, 3:38pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for posting this, Don.

Bert, if you're around here, could you please change "Action" to "Fantasy"? Thanks.


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ABennettWriter
Posted: December 9th, 2007, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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This was amazing! I'm glad that you won.
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chism
Posted: December 9th, 2007, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, this was a interesting little short. Technically, it was all good. Formatting, spelling, grammer, etc. were all top notch, so well done in that regard. The story was really well told, it was quick and concise, but its short length didn't damage your themes or messages. The ending was brilliant, I won't give anything away, but I really enjoyed how everything played out.

Anyway, a fun and very interesting read. Good writing, good story, good time. Really well done.


Matt.
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mgj
Posted: December 9th, 2007, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Matius.  You're sure churning out these shorts of yours in abundance.

Like your others that I've read, you paint a vivid picture here with your words, so much so it's hard to believe english isn't your second language.  

There are a few things though that left me scratching my head after reading this (interestingly, they all occur on page 5).  Firstly, after Drake chooses the button there is a very awkward transition you have here with the insertion of a new scene header indicating 'Later'.  I'm not sure what this passage of time is supposed to indicate.  It was a little odd.  You might consider fixing this, or possibly removing it all together.

The other point I was unsure about  was when you indicate that Drake's feet are chained to the floor.  A moment later you say that they are no longer chained, yet you have him take his sword and swing madly at them.  I was starting to lose track of what's what - are they still chained?  I wasn't sure.  Again, I should mention that I'm a little unclear of your intention here.  Perhaps I'm just not seeing it.

Lastly (don't worry; my last quibble here) - your wording of how the coin, button and ring fall to the floor - you say ' it slips into his pocket.  But falls to the floor.'  That makes it seem like he has a hole in his pocket or something.  If that's not your intention then why not just simply say 'They slip from his fingers and fall to the floor' - it just sounds a little clearer this way.  

I know it sounds like I'm picking this all apart.  I actually enjoyded it.  I like the morale - careful what you wish for.  As well the visual aspect of your writing really stands out.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein

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mgj  -  December 10th, 2007, 12:53am
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EBurke73
Posted: December 9th, 2007, 11:09pm Report to Moderator
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Beautifully written.  I have to admit being mezmerized by the descriptions and the telling of the story, knowing there woul dbe a twist in the end similar to what transpired.

This was definitely a fantasy piece, without two hundred pages about elves singing, and the visual of Drake's arrival fit all the pieces of the genre.  I wonder if there is a way to do this without the voiceover, as that was the part I liked the least.  Maybe it was my reading, but it felt like an advertisement.  That seems a little nitpickey though, considering how much I enjoyed the rest of the piece on the whole.


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Mr.Z
Posted: December 10th, 2007, 8:59am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
Those Argentenians can be so demanding.....


Bleh, thatís an easy fix that bert jr. could do while his old man watches the football game and sips some beer.  >


Quoted from Absteel
This was amazing! I'm glad that you won.

Thanks Austin! Glad you like it man.


Quoted from Chism
Wow, this was a interesting little short. Technically, it was all good. Formatting, spelling, grammer, etc. were all top notch, so well done in that regard. The story was really well told, it was quick and concise, but its short length didn't damage your themes or messages. The ending was brilliant, I won't give anything away, but I really enjoyed how everything played out.

Anyway, a fun and very interesting read. Good writing, good story, good time. Really well done.


Thanks a lot Matt. Know that the first version did have the usual grammar and spelling problems, but readers at moviepoet spotted them, so I was able to correct them before submitting here.


Quoted from mgj
There are a few things though that left me scratching my head after reading this (interestingly, they all occur on page 5).  Firstly, after Drake chooses the button there is a very awkward transition you have here with the insertion of a new scene header indicating 'Later'.  I'm not sure what this passage of time is supposed to indicate.  It was a little odd.  You might consider fixing this, or possibly removing it all together.

The other point I was unsure about  was when you indicate that Drake's feet are chained to the floor.  A moment later you say that they are no longer chained, yet you have him take his sword and swing madly at them.  I was starting to lose track of what's what - are they still chained?  I wasn't sure.  Again, I should mention that I'm a little unclear of your intention here.  Perhaps I'm just not seeing it.

Lastly (don't worry; my last quibble here) - your wording of how the coin, button and ring fall to the floor - you say ' it slips into his pocket.  But falls to the floor.'  That makes it seem like he has a hole in his pocket or something.  If that's not your intention then why not just simply say 'They slip from his fingers and fall to the floor' - it just sounds a little clearer this way.


Hey mike, thanks for checking this out man. You make a good point about that LATER transition. Iím starting to think that it didnít pass enough time in order to put it there. Removing it seems the way to go, thanks for the suggestion.

About the other quibbles, it seems that I seriously screwed up with my wording in the last pages, haha. Drakeís feet are suddenly chained to the floor, thatís correct. But they remain chained till the end of the story. The feet that are no longer chained are the guardianís (they were chained when Drake entered the chamber).

The button, the coin and the ring slip from Drakeís hand into his pocket. But they remain there. The one who falls to the floor is Drake himself, when he tries to walk away without realizing that his feet are now chained.

Hope that made sense. And Iím glad you enjoyed this.


Quoted from EBurke73
I wonder if there is a way to do this without the voiceover, as that was the part I liked the least.


Youíre not alone in this one, many readers commented on this same issue. I went with the V.O. narration because I was working for a contestís a tight page limit and needed to establish things fast. As this comment pops up again and again, Iím starting to think that there might be better ways to dramatize the opening, maybe by telling the story from one of the climberís POV until Drake arrives. Thanks for your comments.


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James McClung
Posted: December 10th, 2007, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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This was really terrific if I do say so myself. Having read your previous two scripts, I'm honestly in awe how you can come up with some of this stuff. Anyway, I really liked this one. It's amazing how little seems to happen and how much actually happens within the chamber. Outside the chamber, you barely need to show anything. The picture you've painted of the tower just about tells you everything you need to know.

The only thing I wasn't sure about was the dragon. This isn't a nitpick per se. I'm just asking for clarification. Maybe you'll want to incorporate it into your script if it isn't as simple as I suspect it might be. Is the dragon another obstacle at the top of the tower, as Drake's cloven helmet suggests, or did he actually come in on the dragon? This isn't really something that stood at as a glaring error but it caught my attention. Just curious.

mgj caught the continuity errors so other than my previous comment, I really didn't find anything wrong with this one. I really enjoyed it. Great job, Matias.


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bert
Posted: December 10th, 2007, 8:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Z
Bleh, thatís an easy fix that bert jr. could do while his old man watches the football game and sips some beer.


Who's old?  And who sips??  I'm offended on so many levels...


This is wonderful work, Z.  Poetic, and reminiscent of Aesop.  Your grasp of the language is quite remarkable, and it continues to improve.  However it is that you are studying, continue to do it, as it really serves you well.

Personally, I have no problem with the V.O.  She sets things up for us, then departs, then returns briefly at the end to wrap things up.  She serves as a bookend of sorts, and I think it suits the piece.  It is not exposition so much as it is an integral piece of the story, and it is not overused here.  I say keep it.

Barbed wire as reins is a wonderful image.  But I would not give the Guardian an age.  I would simply describe him as ancient, or use words to that effect.

The few descriptive hiccups you've got near the end are easy fixes.  Fix them, but I would recommend that you do little else to this tale.  And seldom does a work deserve that kind of feedback.  It's a great piece, Z.



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n7
Posted: December 10th, 2007, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Matias,
This was really well executed. I usually stay far, far away from fantasy stories, but this was much different, I didn't feel guilty or geeky for liking it.
The intitial visual of the Tower/climbers was the perfect set up. Also liked the way the story conveyed the theme without bashing the reader over the head with it. No major critiques on anything, good work!
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Kamran Nikhad
Posted: December 11th, 2007, 1:13am Report to Moderator
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Normally I'm not into fantasy, but I gotta admit, in 6 pages, you had me hooked bud.

Here's my minor notes:

On page 2 *3*

He stares at it as if looking at a smelly pile of horseshit.  In descriptions, that seems like a bit much man.  I mean it fits and all, but I'd fix up on the wording a little.  Unless you're the screenwriter for Lethal Weapon, ha, I'd recommend avoiding using profanity in description, because it's a bit vague, I mean we all know that means he's sickened by the sight, but you gotta be sure the actor has an objective script to work with, know what I mean?

Your message in the end, "He who makes his way to the guardian of wishes shall never  need lust of riches or women again."  You could see the greed Drake had when he made his way to the top, wanting women and the riches, he didn't want to be alone, but he didn't want to be poor, so he tries for the best of both worlds, like the guardian himself once did, now he is appreciative that he can finally be free.  And your message, which is what I interpreted, "Greed imprisons us" truly shows in the end, and I think you did a truly fantastic job at sharing your message to the readers.  

Excellent work Mr.Z, keep up the excellent work.  


Nolan The Security Guard - Short/Comedy 1st Draft, 12 pages.pdf
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Mr.Z
Posted: December 11th, 2007, 1:12pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from James McClung
Is the dragon another obstacle at the top of the tower, as Drake's cloven helmet suggests, or did he actually come in on the dragon?


The Dragon is just Drakeís transport. The burnt hands and claw marks in his face were meant to hint that it wasnít easy to tame this beast. That he had to pay a price for the wings that helped him get on top of the tower. Itís hitting me nowÖ that this tiny details might be too tiny to suggest all that I want them to suggest.

In my first draft, the narrator explained this and delved deeper into Drakeís back story but I had to trim it down due to moviepoetís page restriction.

Thanks for your comments, James. As always, theyíre both helpful and thought provoking. And Iím glad you enjoyed this piece.



Quoted from sipping old man
Personally, I have no problem with the V.O.  She sets things up for us, then departs, then returns briefly at the end to wrap things up.  She serves as a bookend of sorts, and I think it suits the piece.  It is not exposition so much as it is an integral piece of the story, and it is not overused here.  I say keep it.


Iím kind of torn about this one. Of the readers that specifically commented on the opening, thereís a few that liked it, but most found the V.O. a bit tedious. I know I could do a different opening without the narration but Iíve got no idea how could I end this tale without the narration to round its theme. Maybe the V.O. is just a necessary evil in here.


Quoted from sipping old man
But I would not give the Guardian an age.  I would simply describe him as ancient, or use words to that effect.


I did struggle with the guardianís age. Putting a number after his name felt a bit like removing the mysticism surrounding this figure. I like your suggestion.

Thanks for the feedback, bert. Itís greatly appreciated. I can see youíve got an horror short coming soon. Looking forward to it.


Quoted from n7
This was really well executed. I usually stay far, far away from fantasy stories, but this was much different, I didn't feel guilty or geeky for liking it.


Thanks a lot for the read and Iím I thrilled that you enjoyed it despite that fantasy stories are not your cup of tea. But make no mistake, if you like it, youíre officially geeky.  


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
He stares at it as if looking at a smelly pile of horseshit.  In descriptions, that seems like a bit much man.  I mean it fits and all, but I'd fix up on the wording a little.


The first draft had a bit more of profanity in descriptions. I had a couple of readers at moviepoet that make the same comment you did. The ďhorseshitĒ line is the last one, and it will probably go as well. Youíve got a point. This kind of vulgar slang doesnít seem to match with the fantastic/archaic setting I try to create.


Quoted from Kamran Nikhad
And your message, which is what I interpreted, "Greed imprisons us" truly shows in the end, and I think you did a truly fantastic job at sharing your message to the readers.


Iím glad you got the message right (usually the trickiest part to write). Thatís exactly what I meant. Thanks a lot for checking this out and for the helpful suggestions.


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Phife
Posted: December 12th, 2007, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Mr. Z, just finished reading your screenplay. I am probably repeating what people have said in the past, but this script blew me away. It flowed together perfectly, the conversation between the guardian and Drake was great, and your descriptions were very good as well. And I actually felt the greed in Drake's personality.

Like I said, people have probably already stated what I said, but I felt the the need to write a full review just like everybody else.

Great job with this script! You created a wonderful idea and wrote a powerful screenplay.
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tomson
Posted: December 12th, 2007, 8:04pm Report to Moderator
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In case someone doesn't already know this, but this script placed first out of 53 scripts last month at MoviePoet. It had the highest score ever! 4.5 out of 5 possible and it was the first time ever I gave a 5 and I've read several hundred scripts there by now. (all scoring is anonymous btw)

Great Job "Beast from the East"!!
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Blakkwolfe
Posted: December 12th, 2007, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Great piece, Mr. Z...Vivid descriptions that are poetic without being overbearing...These scenes seem flow effortlessly out of the keyboard...Loved the barbed wire dragon reins and the great pile of knights below the tower.

Agree with the horse"crap" comment, this line kind of threw me as well. It doesn't fit with the rest of the short.

Glad to be accompanied, but poor.

Joe


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