The Mad House by Joseph Coughlan - Short, Horror - In the 1980s, a well educated school was bombed in a fugitive attack that claimed the lives of everybody there. It is re-opened and the thought to be dead survivors go after a group of students whilst they are trapped in their home.  23 pages - rtf, format

Hmm...  Well...

Allright, I guess formatting would be a good place to start.  I usually don't mess with formatting issues and let other people take care of that, but it doesn't look like anybody else is quite responding to this, more than most likely because once a reader sees an incorrect screenplay format, he's turned off automatically and won't even read it for the story.  And you can't blame them.

The only thing I could think of to say about formatting, Joseph, is to read some of the screenplays on here and take a look at how those are set up, or, if you're serious about writing, head down to Barnes & Noble and invest in a screenwriting book.  It doesn't matter which one, they pretty much all say the same thing.  At least it's a guide.

So, formatting aside, now onto the story.

Got to be honest, I'm not too crazy about it.  I understood the story and what all was going on, but I still got confused because of the, I think around 15 or 16 characters, all of them with different names and more than one of them starting with 'J', and no descriptions of any of them.  Late in the story, you referred to one as the long-haired blonde guy, which I didn't know any of them had long blonde hair.  I honestly didn't even know there was a black kid in it.  And I still don't know which one he was, just that he died.

But I think the weakest part of the screenplay, and, ultimately, what made me not like the story, was the dialogue.  It was very forced.  I'm assuming they were in college, because of the co-op and the ability to buy beer so easily, but their dialogue sounded as if they were freshmen in high school or (even worse), junior high.

Also, this reads very much like a first draft.  Kind of like you had written it down just to get it onto paper, (or screen), but never read it again to clean it up or clear some of the story's conflict problems.  This might help the story a little bit and, along with fixing the format, might clear up some of the dialogue problems.

- Mark

To build on rc's comments, one thing that I think you should focus on is visual writing.  You've got action and blocking, but really nothing that helps me see what's going on.  There's no need to be flowery and go off on how smashing the draperies are over the windows, but enough to clear up what we're supposed to see.  Consistency also helps readers keep people apart.  If you are going to write about a character, don't change your reference to them in the script.  If you know you're going to call someone by a name at some point later, do it from the get go.  The audience won't know until the other characters mention a name.  Also, it's better in these types of stories to have your fodder (all the characters set up just for the slaughter) enter early, less they aren't on the screen long enough for us to bat an eye when they die.

When talking about time and distances, be sure to say exactly what you mean.  Forty-five minutes is a very long time to wait for anything.  And to do it whilst huddling in the garden, thinking that someone dangerous is lurking in the house, makes me want to see everyone die out of basic principle.  I know you wanted to allow suspension of belief for time setting up the traps, but the traps got to go.  If you want to keep them and have your antagonists be who they are, the school would be a more appropriate, plausible, and interesting setting.

I am one of those poor saps that continues to insist on reading even the most horribly formatted scripts all the way through.  But it isn't easy.  Rather than look to see what other people have posted here and sift through all of the various formatting errors, I suggest finding the screenplay to any of your favorite movies and read those.  Try to find a draft as close to a spec script as possible.  But, you really should follow rc's advice on getting a book, too.  I could write for hours on the importance of proper formatting, but the books already out there have said it so many times, it'd be easier to use them as a reference.

SPOILER ALERT:
One thing about your ending, I always feel cheated when the last guy and a major point of the story comes out in the last minute of the film.  It invalidates everything I've seen/read up to that point.  I imagine you've seen "Saw" because you referenced it.  Perfect example of how to do it right.  You've seen the guy all along and never knew you were seeing him until the last minute.  In your case, I didn't even know he was a variable in the equation until you decided to go all out to close your story.  You can still have him and still have him be a surprise, just have him be somewhere all along.  And you should be a little clearer about the bloke in the begining that has passed on having done so recently.  I was re-reading for the better part of ten minutes trying to find out how some dead guy built a school.

Revise this, though.  You do have a good start to build on a story.  Post a second-draft and let's see the progress.