Cigarettes Can Feel Pain by Toran Whitaker - Short - Its just another day at work, hanging out with her smaller brother. But London is in for a surprise. - pdf, format

First of all, I really liked the title.  The title alone made me pick this one as the first to read.

Story:

Cut down, this could be a really effective anti-smoking commercial.  I assume that's what the whole idea of the script was.  Personally, I like this more as a 45 second commercial than a 5 minute short.  I don't even think you need to establish the characters.  Just start with her grabbing a smoke and going out.

Just a minor nitpick but I can't see her saying screenwriter over author or "Book writer".  I don't know why but it just doesn't work for me.  

Technical mumbo-jumbo:

Ha, there's an error in the first line of a dialogue, then you trash screenwriters...I don't know how I got through the first page.  Just kidding, but still, "hows" should be "how's" or "how is".  Obviously just something you missed.

I think you can do without the P.O.V. shot on the second page.  You can just as easily write something like, "London watches Adam as he gazes at the television.  Blah blah blah."  Specific directions like that take the reader out of the story and it uses like six lines that can easily be subsituted with only one.

I felt that her saying "I need a cigeratte." and simply grabbing a pack of smokes makes the line seem too on-the-nose.  Maybe if she sighed out of boredom or something.

You're missing periods on the end of all your S's on "(O.S.)".

There's a couple places where you forgot the capital "J" on "Jesus".

All in all, I think you should cut this down to commercial length and shoot it.  There's gotta be some anti-smoking websites out there like theTruth.com that are holding a submit-your-own-commercial contest.  I think you could win with this idea.

Hope this helps!

Hey Toran,

I don't know why, but I'm not just too crazy about the story for this one, and I'm a non-smoker.  I think Hoody's right, it would play much much better as an anti-smoking commercial rather than a short.

I have about the same nitpicks as Hoody above, but maybe just a few more worth mentioning.

There's also an error in the first line of the first description block.  'Sargeant' is actually supposed to be spelled 'Sergeant'.  

And also, I forget what page it was on, one of your action blocks states 'The couple walks into their car.'  Were they looking at something else as they were walking and didn't notice their car in the way?  Or did they just get in their car?

I know those weren't major mistakes, but I don't think there should be any mistakes in such a short script.

- Mark

The concept was interesting but the story fell pretty flat, IMHO.  IT seemed like a wacky anti-smoking commercial.

A few problems in the formatting:

You describe London Anderson as a Sergeant, but she is out of uniform and does absolutely nothing to imply that she is a Sgt..  I don't see the point in mentioning her rank;

(BEAT) is used to give a pause before someone talks.  If you want someone to pause while they are are talking, you use an ellipses...like this.

No italics should be used to show emphasis on dialog.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Your title was the best thing about your script and possibly the original blush of the idea.  Then the actual pain of the cigarette seemed uneventful.  No need to see the characters lack of interaction prior to the smoking.  I don't smoke and I was waiting for her to finally light up so we could get into the story and then, wouldn't you know, there wasn't one.  Think about what unique ways a cigarette may feel pain and try to defend itself.  Obviously, it can talk and feel pain.  Why would it just scream out, "ow?"

I disagree with the above in that this should be a PSA.  For one thing she should first say "want" and he should correct her with "need," if that's the case.  Not smoking because you could be hurting the cigarette is kinda weak.  Then again, I hate commercials and that's part of the reason why.

My favorite part of the whole thing is that he slams screenwriters and then goes into a drooling stupor watching an action sequence, while denying watching any movies.  The less we bring up Fred Claus, the better.  You write pretty well and have a handle on character development.  Why not focus on that, forget the PSA, and build a story around a conflict.

This didn't work for me.  I knew what was coming way too soon.  I wanted the two characters to stop talking about it and move on to the next step.  I also think there are way more creative ways to get someone to stop smoking.  I also never understood her being in the military.  It was irrelevant.

There are many typos and misspellings as well.

Military was suppose to be something specific, I know some guys there (my sister is one ). The slamming screen-writers, my older brother does this. A lot. So I added in his taste in there.

This is something that I wrote, out of desire. I just felt like completing something and I did this. I think it came out pretty well, a short something that I'll film in the future. Thanks everybody for taking a read!

Hey Toran,

Nice, clean looking script. Story wise, it was alright...Suspect Adam was practicing his ventrioloquism, messing with his older sister...

Don't know why a strong, attractive young woman like London would be going to see Fred Claus unless Adam was with her. If it was a date, it would have been the last one...

Thier dialogue didn't really work with the differences in age and stations in life...If he was 14 and she was 17, that would be fine...

At her age, to spend the day at work with her little brother would seriously cramp her style and have untold consequences on her social life...

If she's a Sargent in the Marine Recruiting Center, wouldn't she be dressed in Military attire? Unless pink is acceptable for female officers...I'd expect she's a by the book, tough as any man Marine...

Joe

P.S. After reading the other comments, don't know why your brother feels this way about screenwriters. Perhaps he should take pen to paper on the next One Week Challenge and who knows? Maybe he'll have some fun and change his opinion!