Space Hunter by Billy Tucker - Short, Sci Fi - Inspired by the classic Hollywood SciFi/Action films of the nineteen-eighties. SPACE HUNTER is set in a futuristic universe, it is the story of Jaxon Gaze's quest for a vital power source.  Searching a baron moon for the wreckage of an ancient Space Frieghter, he quickly realises that he can trust no-one, and that danger lurks around every corner. 5 pages - doc, format

Alright, Billy...Got some interesting characters and colorful settings...No sign of Molly Ringwald and my favorite line "Only scavs eat dogs" (Space Hunter 3D)

Main thing here is to write only what can be filmed. Show, don't tell. We can't read their minds or know thier intentions unless it's spoken or is visibly demonstrated.

How does the viewer know that this place is Satan's garden? Screenplay descriptions are short, vivid and to the point.

Consider breaking up some of the huge blocks of dialogue, especially in your action sequences...You want it to read fast and exciting...

Silently indicates his desire to kill Jax. How does he do this?

He had a feeling Rana could not be trusted.

Jax lies on the cold metalliic floor (how do we know its cold? I've done that one, too)

Good effort, though and some good imagination

Joe

I agree with Blakkwolfe that the sense of pacing didn't fit with the experience of reading it.  It's five pages and took me three sittings.  Too much dwelling on things we can't see or wouldn't know.  Like the whole explaination about Jax's name and then no one ever calls him by it, possibly because Rana isn't his friend.  Usually these scripts make the error of too much exposition in the dialog, but you went the other way.  There are things that weren't clear that they could have talked about to prevent you from having to breach the only-what-we-see-and-hear rule.  Maybe you need another character, like the ensign that dies at the drop of a hat convention.  The guided grappling hook seemed too contrived and convienent.  Make him work for it.

If I concentrate and see your intention, this is a fun sci-fi adventure.  But it takes effort.  Take care and time in your action sequences, build them out, concentrate on what is seen and heard, be clear and distinct with your characters, maybe bring in a few, up the challenges, and capitilize on what you do best - visualization.  Then, I think you will find that you have a real nice 25 - 28 page Season 1 Finale!  Space Hunter 1.24 - Andretta 3.

Sci-Fi's never really been anything that interests me, and unfortunately, this hasn't changed my mind.

There is the really huge problem of telling what the characters are thinking without showing it.  A main example that I saw was "Jax knows that it will paralyse anything in its way."  How is the audience supposed to know it will paralyze anything?  Get used to hearing this adage if you want to be a writer... 'Show, don't tell.'

Oh yeah, and you spelled 'paralyse' wrong.  It's paralyze.  There were a couple mistakes like that.  It's an easy fix, a quick spell check will help.

Also, I didn't even really care about the main character.  Honestly, I didn't care if Jax or Rana got out of the freighter.  And after Jax's line, 'I'm getting too old for this', that was just cheesy enough for me to cheer for the wolfmen now.

But, like I had said, sci-fi is something that never interested me, but I do still give it a chance whenever I come across a script.  Sorry, but this one didn't do it for me.

- Mark