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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Quiet Moderators: bert
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  Author    Quiet  (currently 4941 views)
Don
Posted: December 24th, 2007, 6:01am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quiet by Sean Elwood (thedeadwalk2nite) - Horror, Supernatural - After a tragic firework accident on New Year's Eve leaves Adam permanently deaf in both ears, he tries to put is life back in order to start the new year normally. But soon Adam is stalked by a "ghost boy." And then people begin to die. Adam suspects that the ghost boy has something to do with it, and not only can he see dead people, he can hear them too. As he tries to unravel the truth, Adam finds out that there are some things worse than death--and they're after him. 100 oages - pdf, format


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Don  -  January 16th, 2008, 8:47pm
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Shawnkjr
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Very interesting premise you've got there. Your scripts are a must read for me. I'll get started right away.

-Shawn


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
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ReaperCreeper
Posted: December 25th, 2007, 12:28am Report to Moderator
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My Christmas gift to you, Mr. Zombie Sean xD

(POSSIBLE SPOILERS!)

This is a pretty nicely-written piece, like everything else I've read of yours. There are several grammatical errors scattered throughout, like the common their/there, "could of" instead of "could've" and your/you're mistakes, but it is nothing too big.

I was thoroughly enjoying the script up to page 33 when it got EXTREMELY reminiscent of the Final Destination movies. It was done in the exact same manner as in those movies. Guy has gory premonition, freaks out, etc. I even wondered if this was supposed to be an FD fan-fic before being re-written into an original piece. It felt like a rip-off, but it was a cool sequence regardless .

Moving on--even though I felt bad with Pace dying, I was kinda glad it happened. It's hard to tell twins from each other regardless of their names. I didn't care much for Lauren's death.

The rest of the script was OK. Could've been better. It suffered from typical ghost movie clichès (guy walks in front of a ghost and then it is gone, figures in pictures, creepy kids laughing O.S. etc) but with Horror it is almost impossible to come up with something that is pure, 100% original, so it's all right. Some of the deaths were rather exaggerated, but again, that's what Horror is all about. You could've used more variety though--I mean, two or three people were killed by cars and many people (along with two actual central characters) were killed/set on fire by fireworks.

And I have a complaint--not a single mother in the world--specially as caring as Stacey--would let her deaf son drive to school by himself. You also need your ears to drive safely, man. You can't hear honks or your surroundings and thus it is extremely dangerous.

I was able to make it to the end but I started losing interest by page 68. When the story kinda shifted focus it worked on the other characters' favor, but as a result Adam was weakened as a protagonist and I could smell what was gonna happen to him a mile away.

Still, a rather good effort.

Merry Christmas lol

















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Zombie Sean
Posted: December 25th, 2007, 10:11am Report to Moderator
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First of all, thanks Don for getting this up.

And Merry Christmas to everyone.


Now, Gomez...


The whole thing about the premonition and stuff with the fireworks, I knew it was exactly like Final Destination. This is sort of a fan-fic for FD, but I didn't want to go overboard. Now, I didn't want to steal the idea either, but I did my best from staying away from FD as much as possible. There are connections to the movie, however, (not, like, with characters or anything), and I actually was going to make a reference to the movie by having someone say something like, "Man this is like that movie Final Destination" or something, and then a fight breaks out and blah blah blah.

Yeah there were many clichés in this script, but don't you think guy walks in front of a ghost and then it is gone, figures in pictures, creepy kids laughing O.S. etc. is scary? Hehe, I dunno. Yeah, two people were killed by cars, and even though it is two, there wasn't much difference except one person got decapitated and the other was just smashed by the car. But they're different...somehow. When I write scripts, I think of how they'd look on screen, so when I was writing these scenes, I thought of how they'd look, and I thought they'd look really cool.   I hope you at least enjoyed the scissor-lift part I did.

Yeah, most people who are deaf don't drive, but, yet, some do. In driver's ed, my teacher, who was also a teacher for the deaf, told us a story about how he had a deaf couple in front of him arguing and there was a green light and they didn't know. So he got out of his car (The people behind him were honking) and he was able to get them to pull over and let the other people pass while he tried and settled the argument down using sign language. So it is realistic, it's just that, and I think I know what you mean, Adam is too young to be driving when he just went deaf...or something, right?

Most horror movies seem to focus only on the main characters, but what I wanted to do was focus on all of them. Katie and Michael, you don't get to see them very often, so you don't get to know much about them. So I tried and focus on them more towards the end, and how they begin to fall in love with each other with the shit that's going on around them. It's awkward, but it gets to let you know about them more.

Sorry that you started to lose interest in the script. i think it's because of the Final Destination-esque-ness and the clichés that kept you from staying interested. But I'm glad you read it. I was kind of sketchy about posting this up for some reason, but I did anyway, just to see how it turned out.

Thanks for reading, and Merry Christmas to you too.

Sean


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Gwydion
Posted: December 28th, 2007, 12:25am Report to Moderator
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Look out for the homonyms.  They're only here and there, but their pressence is distracting.  Your writing is too good to have the malaprops you're having.

Although I was thinking that this could be Final Destination 8: The Quieting, I think you had better signature images than that series and I also think you can do better than killing people twice with fireworks in a John Woo rip-off.  Once is more than enough.  I didn't want a higher body count or new and improved ways of dispatching fodder, because I felt like you stayed within your well-established physics for the story.  Considering how business was getting done, you don't need someone hurled from the blast of an explosion to get scraped by the spires of a metal fence.  Each one claiming it's own pound of flesh as the gut of what's left of the body catches on a post, yanking entrails in an ever expanding line while the body comes to rest under the merciless bristles of a street sweeper.  Doesn't fit.  The story is good.  The plot weakens it a bit.  There's more emotional exploration into becoming deaf than dealing with death.  Probably on purpose because of your description, but it doesn't play naturally.

I have to call you out on saying there were only two people killed by cars.  You forgot about Jonathan.  And, technically, your ending.  Shame.  Shame.  Shame.  Still.  Didn't matter.  Kill 'em all with cars.  As long as you aren't reinventing your story each time, it'll work.

Things to seriously consider while you're going back to fix typos:  Lauren is unnecessary.  Brittany is an interruption.  I want to fight Jonathan's transformation.  Does he need to?  You can be more clear and concrete in your action lines - I think occassionally you got lazy.  You held back on playing with one of your most interesting conventions - his deafness.  It's in the frigging title and it doesn't get enough play.  I like using modern conventions, like with the cell phones, but the knocking on the door was way more effective and organic.  I think you can pull some influences from dramas to make the emotional elements have more of an impact, but dig deep within the cavernous basement of your own fear to break away from other horrors and you will hear people say "this is reminiscent of 'Quiet'" when reviewing other works.

I enjoyed reading your story and wanted to give it a little extra time because I felt it would be worth it.  Not my favorite genre.  But I think you've got something to add to it.  Continue to work on your voice.


Fight back:
Family Practice
Oh, What a Night

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Gwydion  -  December 28th, 2007, 1:57am
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Yosef91
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I read the first 35 pages.  I like your writing style a lot.  The dialogue is natural, the descriptions brief and clear.

However, I'm not that crazy about the story.  For almost thirty pages, I felt that nothing happened.  I understand that you're setting everything up, but I need something to hold my attention.  I'm a big fan of opening scenes that set the tone, but yours had me very bored.

You need to brush up on the correct use of commas.  There are several instances of misuse; here are just a few:


Quoted Text
God you’re disgusting when you eat.


God, you're disgusting when you eat.


Quoted Text
Well we better get home soon.


Well, we better get home soon.


Quoted Text
Yes mother.


Yes, mother.


Quoted Text
Well I’m just glad the first
semester is over and Fall exams are
gone.


Well, I'm just glad the first semester is over and Fall exams are gone.

I thought this part was awkward:


Quoted Text
The teens walk through the kitchen towards the front door.
But Adam stops when he sees a picture lying on the floor. He picks it up.


I found this contrived.  This kid's picture is in the floor in the middle of a party?  It doesn't make sense to me.

As I mentioned earlier, your dialogue always seems natural.  One glaring exception was this line:


Quoted Text
No, I just can’t hear out of my
right ear, God damn it! Jesus
Christ, I just saw two of my
friends die, I don’t know what to
think right now!


We all know she just saw two friends die.  Find another way to show her distress, maybe one that's not as angry.

I also agree with others here - I feel like I've seen this before.

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Zombie Sean
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Gwydion,

Yeah those homophones really get to me. I spell check my scripts before I send them in, and also have a few of my friends read and see if anything needs to be changed or if I missed a spelling error, but I can never find some homophones and change them to the correct grammar.

I don't know who John Woo is so I'm not even going to go there. But then again, I don't know how else I was supposed to kill off those two characters with anything else. I wanted at least two important characters to die and the fireworks were the only way to do so. In Final Destination 2, you had four teenagers get killed in a red Suburban or whatever when a truck smashed into it and it exploded.

I don't understand why two people get killed by cars back to back (sort of) is tending to...bother people, I guess. I don't want to turn this into a slasher movie where everyone dies in the same way or similar way (like everyone gets murdered with a knife or ax or chainsaw). I want variety and I'm sure everyone else does too. So as long as there are at least one or two of similar deaths and the rest go off in different directions, I say it's fine and I'm sure other people say so, also. Yeah, having the same type of death gets boring, but that's only if the same death happens to everyone throughout the entire movie, rather than the first 50 pages of the script. And yeah, I forgot Jonathan got hit by a car, but that isn't really shown except for when it's the ghost boy and ghost car.

Lauren is a character the main character has sympathy for. She was his girlfriend and that's one of the things stopping him from moving on apart from his other friend's death and him going deaf. Brittany is a different story that connects with Michael and Katie's lives (which is also a smaller story attatched to the main one with Adam and Lex. Sort of the "let's get to know the characters more" deal). I had a delimma between whether to show Jonathan transforming into what he really is. I didn't know whether to show it or not. And I don't really understand what you mean by "modern conventions" :\

But thanks for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it.


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Zombie Sean
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Yosef91,

Man, are you, or are you planning on becoming, an English teacher because you really like to look out for those commas. Just wondering, but do directors even look to see if the commas are in the right place? I don't know if the actors would choose where to pause for a second where they think there should be a commas instead of following the exact text and pausing for a bit where a comma is.

The reason why it starts off so slow is that...well, that's a mystery even to me. For some reason I've been starting to write scripts where you get to know the characters a whole lot more in the first half of the script, and then in the second half, everything blows up in their faces and all Hell breaks loose. Take a look at my "The Dead Walk Tonight" script (you don't have to read it). I do the same, the first zombie doesn't show up until page 60 because the first half of the script is all character build up, and there's too much of it. I think I started writing like this after I saw the movie "The Descent" and I realized that I felt sympathy for the characters because we don't start seeing them in a problem until 45 or so minutes into the movie. I want people to feel for my characters in a horror script because at these days, you don't feel sorry for characters anymore, but I want people to relate to them be like "Aw shucks!" when someone dies, even if it's a person everyone hates.

The photo was lying there because it could have possibly fallen out of his wallet as he was looking through it and didn't notice. Or it could have fallen out of his pocket as he was pulling something out. And if you mean awkward as in "wow this is really weird finding this picture of some guy's dead son and then talking to him" that's what I was going for. But if you meant awkward as in "why did this just suddenly happen? I think he should take this part out" then can you clarify? Go into more detail to help me fix this up so people don't think the same thing.

Maybe I could have Lex's voice be shaky and she tries to talk, but she becomes speechless and begins to cry? Does that show her more distressed?

You've probably seen something like this before possibly because you've seen the Final Destination trilogy. Don't worry guys. I already talked to J Gomez about this, and what I have done was cut out the whole freaking out part that Adam goes through. It's not Lauren brings Adam back from his premonition and Pace and Jackson have already lit the firework (plus, Mr. Reymon has already accidentally thrown the match into the fireworks box) so there's no freak out scene anymore.

Thanks for reading what you've had so far and I hope I've cleared things up with you.

Sean


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Yosef91
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As for grammar, I have always been told to get it right and not worry.  You never want to risk someone who knows the difference trashing your work because they think you don't know what you're doing.  It is important.

I'm with you on getting to know characters.  Maybe there's a happy medium somewhere.  I have the same problem.  I was reading the second screenplay I ever did and the the second scene was real long because I was introducing many important characters and I wanted to get their personalites across.  What we are talking about is tough to do, in my opinion.  I just wish there was something in those first 10-15 pages that popped for me.

I wouldn't delete the scene with kid's photo.  I would have it explained more how it got there.  Maybe they bump into each other and the photo pops out or something.  I did like their conversation.  I thought the father was sad and interesting.  You did a good job with him.

I like your idea about how to show Lex's grief.  Sometimes no dialogue is the best dialogue.
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Gwydion
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I'm going to expand on the points you hit on for clarity and conversation.


Quoted Text
I don't know how else I was supposed to kill off those two characters with anything else. I wanted at least two important characters to die and the fireworks were the only way to do so.


I agree.  I felt like the second time around was the keeper for the fireworks fiasco.  Sounds like you already took out having the premonition and reduced it to one explosion, so that's good.  John Woo is a director that overuses slow motion.  That's all.  The pile up at the begining of Final Destination 2 was the best part of the whole movie.  I do feel like it's important not to peak too early and wind up having the rest of the deaths disappoint.


Quoted Text
I don't understand why two people get killed by cars back to back (sort of) is tending to...bother people, I guess. I don't want to turn this into a slasher movie where everyone dies in the same way or similar way (like everyone gets murdered with a knife or ax or chainsaw). I want variety ...


I agree and tried to point out that it didn't bother me that they died by car.  The care deaths weren't even repetative.  I actually felt like that worked in consideration of your story.  In "Valentine," they had a unique and exciting use of a bow and arrow that I liked and then it just became a cuter Michael Myers.  *yawns, slurps soda, and surveys audience for hot women*  The point I was making is that as long as the variety of deaths come from the story you are telling, it doesn't matter if they're the same or all different.

I felt Lex was more important to Adam than Lauren and Lauren didn't serve any importance to the story beyond being the second person on New Year's Eve.  Adam would be just as sympathetic for losing two friends and his hearing.  He doesn't need to lose a girlfriend, too.  That's what I mean by unnecessary.  Brittany doesn't work as a catalyst for me.  She read like someone you forgot to kill.

I often get accused of spending too much time dwelling on making the audience get to know the characters.  In "Family Practice," I decided to open with what will become a critical conflict point and then continue to remind the reader/audience what kind of a movie they are watching.  I like the fact that you are building characters that we can feel something for when they die.  I dislike watching horrors because I can usually tell who's going to die and when just by the level of their character development.  Not exciting.

As far as errors go, tighten up what you can find.  The fewer the better, but not always a deal breaker.  The way it usually goes (there are thousands of different ways), the script goes to a reader at the agent's office first and has to pass through five or six people (usually in coverage form by the time it gets to the top) before the producer decides to buy it or not.  Then the director gets to see a draft to decide if he'll do it or not.  So, this reader that has several feature screenplays to get through everyday tends to regard the ones that have obvious mistakes or formatting errors as inferior.  The prejudice being, if they can't write, they probably can't tell a story.  They're not necessarily supposed to, but if they're behind on their reading, they will pass on scripts without finishing them based solely on superficial merits.  Sadly, many better stories get eclipsed by more polished and less creative work.  Welcome to life.

By "modern conventions," I mean to say the way a lot of stories add in a sense of technoparanoia through cell phones, IM, AI, and the like.  Implying we are getting close to bridging a gap between dimensions the more sensitive and pervasive our technology gets.  I was more creeped out by what he could hear, when he could hear, and what it was implying.  Bridging technology isn't as invasive as bridging something you can't turn off.  And that to me is the heart of your story, "Quiet."


Fight back:
Family Practice
Oh, What a Night
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Shawnkjr
Posted: December 31st, 2007, 4:26pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Sean, Began reading this. Here are my notes as I read.


Pg. 6 - "i'm able to go"
-Sounds awkward

Pg. 23 - Lex is getting on my nerves. She complains or has a problem with everything.

Pg. 27 - Nothing is really happening. A bit dull at this point.

Pg. 30 - oh wow. That was unexpected. "Pace'a Face" Ha ha.
-His death is messed up. I liked him.

Pg. 31 - Premonition? Tihis is a lot like Final Destination, man. Is  this a spinoff?

Pg. 33 - And Pace still dies in reality anyway.
-It's not entirely clear that Lauren dies also.

Pg. 34 - Good Thing Adam knows sign language and knows how to read lips but pretty convenient, eh?
-Wait! I thought Pace and lauren were dead. Who died?
-never mind....i'm kinda slow.
-I personally don't find transparent ghosts scary at all because they always bring me back to Scooby-Doo

Pg. 50 - Wow. I feel bad for Adam. He got it bad.

Pg. 54 - Intense, suspenseful scene here. good job.

Pg. 62 "You're such a Creeper"
"She wants my bod"
didn't Lex and Adam have the same exact exchange but earlier in the movie?

Pg. 65 - Another decapitation! The boy's parents should sue the crap out of that school.
It's "Grisly" scene not "Grizzly" scene. That'd make a stupid pun though if someone was attacked by a grizzly bear.

Pg. 98 - So Jordan is the devil?

DONE!

I enjoyed this mostly. It reminded me of a mix between the Final Destination films and The Grudge and maybe The Eye (except with ears). The death scenes were a bit random (thats a good thing, i think) and Jonathan reminded me a bit of Toshio. It was pretty slow at first though. Once I got past page thirty or so, it really grabbed my attention till the end. I know two people who lost their hearing and they can read lips and sign but when they talk, since they can't hear themselves, their speech is usually slurred or distorted. I was wondering if that was the case with Adam.

I thought the character were not stereotypes and different and had they're own banter that was interesting. Adam was cool. I completely sympathized with him because my cousin went deaf. At first i though Lex was too whiny and annoying but i started liking her after all the other characters died.

I wasn't expecting the ending. I knew Robert had something to do with it but I wasn't expecting Jonathan to be SATAN. "Welcome to the first level of HELL!" lol. His transformation scene would have me in stitches if it were filmed. I found it hilarious for some reason. maybe you should change it to something more subtle.

Overall, this was an okay read but I enjoyed your other scripts more.



-SHAWN


Scarefest 2 presents: Home Malone - Short/Horror http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1220187087/
Spoiled - OWC Horror/Milk Exercise

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Shawnkjr  -  December 31st, 2007, 4:38pm
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Zombie Sean
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Yosef91: Okay cool. I'll work on the whole photo scene.

Gwydion: Alright, you've cleared things up for me. Thanks. I actually took what you said in your first review and somehow turned it around and made it sound the opposite.

Shawn: Like I said, I've started writing scripts starting out with getting to know the characters for some reason (and it probably also has to do with The Descent). And this is not a spinoff of Final Destination. I just made it very very similar and I've changed it to stray away from it being Final Destination-esque. I guess I see how I make it sound like Lauren didn't die but it should be obvious since the firework flies at her face as it did in the premonition. But I changed it so it's more obvious. I don't know how else to make the ghost boy scary so I just made it the clich� transparent ghost things (since most apparitions are...transparent). Those two lines just show that Michale and Adam act the same, sort of. Haha there's another homophone that I forgot to change. And yes, I think you mean "Jonathan" is a demon.

Haha I've said before, I was sort of making a decision whether I should show Jonathan's transformation or not. I was just going to simply have him sink into a dark corner of the room, but I didn't.

I'm glad you liked it, though, I think this script here is my strongest script yet. But that's just me.

Sean


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Hey Sean,

Just finished Quiet as promised and here’s my review.

!!!SPOILERS BELOW!!!

You were certainly right when you mentioned that there would be some similarities to Final Destination, but that’s okay - you gave it a little twist.

I thought you had a really interesting first and second act, but the third act thoroughly destroyed it for me. It was simply too far fetched in my book, and the whole “demon” thing just...nahhh, didn’t work for me.  

Your opening scene at the school was somewhat confusing cos’ you introduced 10-15 speaking characters pretty much all at once. It was really hard to keep track of who was who and who were girlfriend/boyfriend.

I think it would work better if you had kept the characters to a minimum. Introduce only the important ones. You should have saved Katie and Michael for later cos’ they didn’t bring anything to the scene. Actually, you should seriously consider losing both those characters (but I’ll get back to that).

It took me a while to get that Lauren was Adam’s girlfriend. I think you need to show this a bit more. In fact, Adam doesn’t seem to be all that down about the death of his girlfriend or Pace for that matter. He says he is, but you don’t really show it except for a couple of crying scenes - and a crying scene, when it’s not supported by anything but dialogue, reads really awful. It just seems cold and sterile. You should show Adam go through the mourning bit without it all being dialogue. Show - don’t tell.

The New Year’s party and aftermath was done pretty well I think. But the whole exchange between Adam and Robert sort of came out of nowhere. It seems strange that an older man would suddenly walk over to a kid and all of a sudden start talking about his dead son and how awful he’s having it. It doesn’t seem plausible. And where did the picture come from?

Is Robert a friend of the family (since he’s at the party), if so - why doesn’t Adam know him? If he’s not - then what is he doing there?

The scene with the fireworks was excellently written. However, you should not tell the reader at what speed the scene takes place. Just write what happens. You can always stretch out a scene by being more detailed with your descriptions. That way you can actually direct the pace of a scene without stating it.

Now comes my biggest problem with this script. Why is it necessary for Adam to go deaf? I understand that the Demon for some reason can only be heard by deaf (or partly deaf) people. Why? I mean, it’s a Demon. Surely a Demon can talk to or posses whom he likes. I don’t know, this part seemed really stupid. Since Adam can read lips (which is another thing that really bothered me as it felt extremely contrived - cos’ what kind of a kid learns that unless they have to? And please don’t tell he is a weird kid, Adam told us that - but you forgot to show it), he’s able to pretty much function normally. Then what’s the point of him being deaf?

This would also be a problem on screen cos’ he would have to be facing whoever he talked to.

My advise to you is to lose the deaf part (which would probably mean that you also have to change the title).

The “kill” scenes were quite bloody (as they should be) and you wrote them very well. But they were a tad alike. Two car kills, and even though the scissor lift and the cherry picker are not the same thing, they’re kinda in the same ballpark.

The only scene that didn’t work in my book was the gas explosion. First of all, how will you show “The gas spreads across the ceiling towards some vents” on screen. I’m only asking cos’ gas is an aerosol that is invisible to the eye, so I have problems with seeing that line on screen. Second, gas stinks! If there’s a build up of gas that’s big enough to blow a classroom apart, then everybody would have smelled it.

That scene needs to be rewritten. It doesn’t make much sense.

The same thing goes for the car crash with Adam and Lex where the gasoline ignites. Gasoline ignites at an even pace. It doesn’t ignite slowly and then speeds up. Keep it logical.

Back to Katie and Michael. Why are they suddenly stealing the picture? In the opening scene, Katie says that she doesn’t speak much with Michael, but when we meet them again they do nothing but speak to each other. I have a feeling that you cooked them up so that they could serve as cannon fodder in the last scene cos’ their little subplot is very boring and it distracts from the core story. Either involve them for real or lose them.

Lex was sort of interesting, in a not so interesting way. She was there but not really there, likable but not that likable. Lex was difficult to grasp. She seemed interested in Adam but it never really went anywhere. And what was up with her eating habits - why was that important to the story. You never followed up on that and therefore it seems irrelevant to me.

On to the end. I had to read the final scene with Robert and Jonathan (the Demon) twice and I still don’t get why these people were targeted to begin with. The Demon says he’s doing the Devil’s work. Fair enough. But why was Adam and his friends and people Adam didn’t know targeted? And why does he appear before Adam every time he wants to kill somebody? It gives Adam a chance to save them and that doesn’t seem all that smart.

If it’s just to drive Adam crazy then that feels like a cop out. It’s too vague, you need to clarify all this and explain why it had to be Adam.

I like your writing style for the most part, the action is very visual and creative. However, your persistent use of the words IS and ARE ruins the flow of the script. Keep your words active and your paragraphs lean. Also, refrain from using BEGINS TO, STARTS TO etc. It either rains or it don’t (as an example). I’m not crazy about your dialogue, as some is a bit wooden.

Your format is good, but I don’t understand why you use CUT TO’s, DISSOLVE TO’s and CONT’D’s when you know they have no place in a spec script. Save it for a shooting script.

Remember to proofread your work. There were many typos in this script.

Now, I’m gonna end my rant here. I hope you are able to take something constructive from this review, cos’ it’s really meant to help you better your script.

And congratulation on finishing another feature - a monumental task in itself. Though I wasn’t crazy about this script, your style and imagination impressed me. Next to me is a copy of The Dead Walk Tonight which I will get to in due time.


Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Zombie Sean
Posted: January 6th, 2008, 2:23am Report to Moderator
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Ah haha I knew I should have been afraid to read your review....not like I was or anything.... :-\

So...the whole demon thing...something to spruce up the supernatural scripts you know? Not all ghost stories involve ghosts (though demons seem to be like ghosts, but still...I dunno). Sorry it didn't work for you.

10-15? Was it really that many? I think I count 8, but I need to look back. But I think I can see what you mean. I feel as though things can be a bit more confusing when you're reading something rather than seeing it on screen...or maybe that's only because I'm a visual person and I need to see things on screen to get the idea.

I think the strongest point on showing that Adam is "devastated" by Lauren's death is when he's reviewing her Myspace (with the comments, etc.). But I could add on some more. The Robert and Adam scene is fixed. Robert is a family friend, though Adam has never met him before. It's happened to me a lot, and trust me, it's awkward.

With the whole direction parts (going further right now) such as SLOW MOTION, DISSOLVE TO, and CUT TO...that's just a habit I have and I kick myself (not really) for it. The CONT'D is just a mistake I forgot to take out. I use Final Draft and it does CONT'Ds automatically and I forgot to take them out.

At the point Adam goes deaf, you don't know that Jonathan is a demon, therefore, you shouldn't be coming to a conclusion for why Adam needs to go deaf in the first place for the demon to talk to. This is sort of how the twist comes about in the end, I guess. Most people will take this as just a normal ghost story...I hope. I don't know how else I'd show him being a weird kid when he was little. A flashback would be kind of pointless since it could be too short and it'd be sort of silly. And yeah, he has to face everyone on screen, and that's why there are parts in the script where people yell at him when he's facing away, but they seem to forget he's deaf and stop talking because obviously he can't hear them.

The two car kill, I've already explained. The scissor lift and cherry picker deal, I noticed they seem a bit the same also. Maybe Jonathan likes to keep it around the same types of death When I was writing the gas scene, I imagined the gas (invisible to the human eye) to be seen with that sort of wavy "heat-wave" effect rising up towards the ceiling. I should probably write it that way too. Thanks for pointing that out. As for the smell, I could have some of the kids complain about it before the room explodes, and have Adam immediately notice it as he walks in (condsidering he's deaf and all of his other senses have improved). And then with Adam and Lex, I'll try and speed it up as the gas ignites at a constant speed.

Katie and Michael were supposed to have a part in the movie where one of them is almost killed, but ends up getting saved, but I didn't know how to make it work. So, instead, I've decided to have the audience get to know them more. I know, it strays away from the story, but I really want to experiment with character development so I sort of had a smaller story concerning them two, and how they connect to the bigger story (such as feeling grief for those who have died), and then they end up merging into the bigger story at the very end. I was thinking about cutting out the Brittany part because I figure that's just a waste of time. Lex's eating habit is also takes part in character development. Just another thing people get to know about the character.

The question for why random people and people Adam knows get killed is something that is one of those unanswered questions in every horror movie. Why did the zombies rise? How come sunlight can't effect these types of vampires? How did the egg appear on the smaller spaceship in Alien 3? Just one of those questions you ask yourself that makes you think. I hope that makes sense and please don't tell me you've never had one of those dilemmas during a movie. And apparently in every ghost movie, at least one ghost has to show up before someone dies. It's, like, a rule, or something.

I actually had proofread my work, and also had two other of my friends read it before I sent this one in. They caught the ones I missed, and then I read over it again one more time. I guess there are just some (or apparently a lot) of things that I seem to miss.

But thanks for reading this. I hope you liked it, and if you did, I'm glad you did, even if you weren't too crazy about it. I've taken in your criticism and I am applying it to a second draft of this script. Thanks.

Oh, and, um, just to warn you...you know how I said I wanted to try and experiment with character development? Well...The Dead Walk Tonight sort of was my first try at it...so you're going to be looking at 60 pages worth of character development testing before the first zombie walks in...so I'll be expecting a lot of "ranting" from you about that and how a lot of things seem...pointless...I guess. Hehehehe

Thanks again,
Sean


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Sham
Posted: January 8th, 2008, 4:58am Report to Moderator
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Hi Sean!

Let me start by saying congratulations on completing an original screenplay. Pat yourself on the back. Your story is no longer an idea, and putting it to paper is the hardest part.

Unfortunately, your story is stronger than your script. While the story seems simple and interesting, the overall package is more demanding and, to be blunt, a big stretch. There is a lot going on here that seems too convenient, even for a horror movie. It seems like Adam just woke up one day and said, “Just in case I go deaf, I’ll take ASL and learn to read lips.”

And wouldn’t you know it? Adam goes deaf. Good thing, huh?

It reminds me of the sign language girl from Drop Dead Gorgeous. She receives a blow to the head during a beauty pageant. It takes her out of the competition, but it also makes her deaf, so her friends happily rejoice. Who cares if she’s deaf! She knew sign language!

For Quiet, how about after the accident, Adam continually visits the doctor to obtain a hearing aid. It’s very hard to give a movie character limited qualities only he can understand. The point of having characters is to get the audience to RELATE to somebody. By making your lead character deaf, audiences will have a hard time relating because they can hear everything just fine.

At the same time, though, even after Adam loses his hearing, he still has so many advantages to communicate that it almost seems pointless to make him deaf. How about he just hears things others can’t after the accident? Don’t you think it would get the same message across? Instead of becoming deaf, how about it makes his hearing ultra sensitive? (To debunk the criticism of another user, this would make it so you don’t have to change the title.)

By this point, your script turns into a bloody drawing by Rube Goldberg (I should’ve expected this after reading your Final Destination 4 fan script). The Final Destination influences are obvious, yes, but I didn’t mind them overall. I’m a huge fan of the series, and if something like One Missed Call can go with a similar idea, then Quiet can, too. The main problem I have is that it seems like you’re too scared to go with your own idea. It seems like this project was put together as two separate films. “I really want to make a movie about a deaf kid who hears more than he should.” “I wish I could make a movie like Final Destination with cool deaths.”

They sound great – separately.

My overall problem with this script is lousy focus. Because so much convenience is happening all at once, I had a hard time getting into it. I tried to picture myself in Adam’s shoes, then in Lex’s, then in Adam’s parents, but it just didn’t do anything for me. Even for horror fiction, I just couldn’t believe half of what was going on.

The biggest strength of your script is excellent writing. It’s the one thing that kept me reading. For someone your age, you’ve learned a lot (probably on your own, too) and will continue to learn and only get better. I see this script as a small step in a stairway to success. The second step is the rewrite. The next step is whatever else you have in your creative bank. And before you know it, you’re through the door and where you want to be.

I wish you luck on the rewrite and any future projects.


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