Home For Christmas by Cindy L. Keller - Short - A young woman never gives up hope that her mother will get well as she visits her on Christmas Eve, and struggles against Alzheimer's Disease for pieces of time. 5 pages - pdf, format

Good work, Cindy.  I'm glad I didn't read your description prior to your screenplay.  (I just clicked on it as soon as I saw who wrote it).  I love what I interpret as the dual meaning of the title.  *polite whisper*  Your title page is showing.

I don't know how we would see Rose's hope anyway (possibly a convo with Evelyn), so mentioning her hope in the description is a bit of a red herring.  Also, since you name Evelyn, why refer to her as "nurse" instead.  She could be described as a nurse and intially called "Nurse Evelyn."  Or leave her name out entirely, but I got the feeling that you wanted the familiarity between Nettie and Evelyn.

When going back, perhaps you can have "30 YEARS AGO" in the slug line.  You don't the first time, but feel compelled to call it a flashback the second.  If you are going to use "FLASHBACK," it would be a Slug before your slug line and then the transition line "BACK TO SCENE" when it's over.  You transition well for us to get the point that it's what Nettie is seeing at the time, so I vote using flashback isn't necessary and go with "30 YEARS AGO."

This is written so well and professionally that I really felt "appearing to look out" was written by some gremlin or gnome.  Either we can tell which way the figure is looking, or we can't.

This was a cute little story here, Cindy. I enjoyed it verily.


For a second I was getting a bit confused as you switched from Young Rose to Old Rose and from Old Nettie to Young Nettie and stuff like that. But I started to get used to it as the ending neared, and I thought that was pretty cool, and how Nettie could remember that but not her own daughter as she was older.

Just on a side note, I thought this story was really interesting also. I remember when I went to England over the summer this year, I read an article in the newspaper about how they might have found a cure for Alzheimer's Disease and stuff, and how it may take another 6-10 years for it to finally to be made. I thought that it was cool and how many lives would be saved and stuff. But yeah, just a little side note.

Once again, this was an excellent story and it really brought in the Christmas feeling since today is Christmas Eve. There really isn't much else to say since this was only a 6-pager. Good job.

Sean

It's very hard to point out a lot of things on such a short script.  But I'll do my best.

Story:

The story didn't really do it for me.  I mean, it's sad to think that happens to most of us when we age but I think this is just a small scene to something bigger.  I don't think it works as a 5 page story.  I would like to see it expanded.  If possible, I want to see her try and take her mother home and maybe she has a family and they all struggle to celebrate the holidays with her mother's condition and what will most likely be her last Christmas.  This would work much better as a 15 pager, IMO.

Techinal Mumbo-Jumbo:

Do you really need that superimpose?  Couldn't you just show the sign on the nursery home?  It's just that with the super I felt like I was about to read an action movie like the Bourne Ultimatum or something like that.

Forgot the "FLASHBACK" in the slug for the first flashback scene.  That's already been pointed out though.

Also for the first flashback scene, why not just combine those first two descriptive paragraphs into one?  It's nothing big but it wastes space for what would most likely be a one second shot.

I wish I could comment more but it's hard to do on stories less than 10 pages.  Still, you're a very talented writer and I want to read more of your scripts.  Hope this helps!

Gwydion, Sean, and Hoody

Thank you for giving this a read.

Darned title pages won't attach for me. Someone gave me a copy of final draft, and some of the elements I'm not able to use... like saving the title page to the script.

I see there was confusion from the old to the new, so I will change the slugline to 30 years ago. Thanks for the suggestion.  

Sean, it would be fantastic if they were to find a "cure". I read an article on Altzheimers, how it slowly spreads from forgetting little things, to forgetting a lot, then becoming completely helpless and in need of constant care.
I think that is the scarest part, needing someone to tend to you constantly.

Thanks again for giving this a read,

Cindy  

Cindy,

Nice story you got here and well written too.

I wrote a 5 pager about Alzheimers as well and it's a tough subject. Mine was definitely a downer and depressing. You managed to give a good feeling with your story despite the subject matter.

I agree with the others about the confusion in the beginning when we move back and forth in time, but that's easy to fix.

Don't really have any other suggestions. The story worked for me and I think it's fine as five pages or as a sequence from a longer piece. Either way would work.

Great job Cindy!

Btw, when did you find out your score from the competition? I haven't seen mine yet. To be honest with you I think I annoyed them by my tardy replies to them or maybe the comment in the GC thread. That wasn't my intention, but I have been pretty busy lately...

Cindy,

On first read “Home For Christmas” didn’t hit any heart strings. Sorry.  
On the second go around, however, I thought it was quite a nice, little tale of a family Christmas.

I didn’t find the time shifts disconcerting because I read the other posts and saw what was coming.
By the story’s end, it felt like Nettie really did go home for Christmas.

The superimposing of the “Elder Care Nursing Facility” seems unnecessary.  Somebody suggested a sign, but even without that I think we still get it.

And I don’t care for the name.  Elder Care might be too “stating the obvious,” not very warm.  As if the name is for the audience’s sake.
With that said, I know of places with such names... go figure.

Not much too else to criticize here, but I have a few thoughts.
What if you open the story with Nettie at the window? “She been waiting for (Rose) all day,” the nurse says.
This should be Nettie’s story more than Rose’s.
Because we are pulled into Nettie's world by story's end.

When Rose approaches the home, I’d like to see Nettie tap on the window. Maybe motion to or wave at Rose.
Rose will think Mom has recognized her.
She will be disappointed later when Mom asks, “…Who are you?”
We will understand what Nettie saw as the story progresses.

I like how you shifted back and forth in time, old Rose, young Nettie, young Rose, old Nettie.
That opens an interesting door.  Kind of like one of those sentimental TZ stories of elders.

Now I’d like to see you use that more to your advantage.  Maybe Nettie’s comments to her visiting daughter about what she sees out the window, which should be in keeping with what we see: young Rose and Dad building the snowman.

Mind you, Nettie's words don’t have to be right on.  Just a subtle dialogue thing like…  Nettie:  It’s Christmas Eve. It's cold. They should come in now.”
Or something that to that effect.

I like the final line on Page 5, with Rose wrapping an arm around her mother’s shoulders.

I wanted Rose to say, “Mom, we’re going home for Christmas.” Maybe Rose leads Mom to the door, but then mom turns back to get her bag of cookies or something.
Maybe Rose has stepped outside.
Then when Nettie steps out the door, I wanted her to see Rose and Bud waiting.  

Then keep that last flashback of the three joining hands and maybe dancing around the snowman.

Is that a real song? I didn’t care much for the line that goes, “if not by Christmas, than by New Year’s Eve.”

There is only Christmas in this story and Nettie has gone home.

Definitely dump the last lines of your script.  Keep the “smiling” part, but instead of the “having a great time. A time that will be remembered,” how about repeating a familiar gesture, “Rose wraps her arms around her mother’s shoulders.”  Young Rose that is, and young Nettie.  Or vice versa, Nettie wraps her arms around Rose’s shoulders.  Fade Out.

What this story says to me is that maybe when a person suffers from demensia/severe memory loss, maybe it really isn’t all that bad.  Maybe what they hang on to are the important things: memories of the best times.  
We should all be so happy in the end.

Am I getting sentimental all over this story or what?  

Anyway, nice one, Cindy.

Hi Pia,

Thanks for giving this one a read.
I'm going to be doing a little work on it again.
I never found out my score. They sent me an e-mail and told me that I had won the prize thingy because they said in the thread if anyone from simply scripts wins then they would send the prize thingy to the person who had the next highest score because otherwise they would be giving the winner a double of the same prize or something like that.

I think I'm diZzy now.  

Abe,
I knew this one was lacking, and you have given me some great ideas to step it up.
Thanks for taking the time. I really appreciate it.
I'll be getting on to that rewrite now.

Cindy

hey, i just gave this one a read, here are some notes.  i probably will sound repetitive, but screw it:

I think this one needs to be longer.  alzheimer's is obviously such a serious, heavy topic, that 5 pages only touches the surface.  that being said, it was surprisingly effective.  the flashbacks actually worked very well, but i will say the last flashback, with the whole family holding hands and dancing, was a bit too norman rockwell-y for me.  i know they need to be doing something to be singing the song, i just feel it seems a little much if they are all holding their hands.  maybe that's just me though, i'm curious what others think

Hey Kumar,
Thanks for giving this one a read.

I agree it would have worked better as a longer script, but I was keeping it down to enter into the Gimme Credit super short contest.

About the dancing... well, I like it, so I don't think I'll change it. I don't think it's too Norman Rockwell. I think it's more Charlie Brown  LOL

Anyway

Thanks again for giving it a read.

Cindy