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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Tattoo Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: December 30th, 2007, 8:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Tattoo by Santosh Sandhu - Short, Comedy - David just can’t keep his tattoos on his body. They keep coming to life and jumping free of him. His car, ship and dragon tattoos simply won’t stay put. After receiving an anonymous email, David invests in some specially designed suction patches which suck his wayward tattoos back onto his body. Unfortunately for him, the suction patches work so well, they suck the tattoos ‘inside’ him where they run amok. 5 pages - doc, format


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alffy
Posted: December 30th, 2007, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Hey Santosh

The first problem I have here is with your synopsis.  For a 5 page script it should be kept simple but your tell us the whole story, completley ruining any surprises.

Your script has no dialogue, which isn't a problem in itslef but too much of the story is told to us in ways that couldn't be filmed.  

Wouldn't David be a bit more shocked that his tattoo drives away?  How big are the tattoo's, are they now bigger?  Wouldn't the tattooist wonder where his tattoo's were going?

The idea is kinda cool but it needs work.  Seeing david get three tattoo's with the same results is boring.  Alsoif the tattoo's drive, sail and fly away hoiw does he know where to go to get them back?

Another problem is in the end.  The tattoo's run amok inside him.  How do we know this, it can't be filmed.


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