The Afflicted by E.Nigma (kidd8th) - Drama - Set in Post-Katrina New Orleans, this urban drama follows Sharice, a top ranking official in a crime syndicate known as The Faction. Ever since she could remember, her life's passion has been to become the first female boss of The Faction. In order to complete this quest, she's asked by one of the current bosses to take a job in Houston that she's uncomfortable with. Her dream of becoming boss is almost fulfilled. - html, format

First off, these characters are way too reckless with their mouths.  It's like they never heard of a thing called wire taps or bugs.  It's very unbelievable and distracting.  I checked out your website and got a Sopranos type feel, especially when I saw your list of players of who you want to play your characters.  I just don't believe these people though.  Sure they are all tough, but they dumb as all hell.  By page 1 of this everyone should've been locked up for murder, conspiracy to commit murder, drugs, etc.  Realistically at least.

I just finished the first few scenes and I was struggling with it.  The first problem I had was with grammar and spelling (is that two problems?).  There were lots of misspelled words and horrible punctuation.  I could have gotten through that if the story was compelling, but nothing was holding my interest.  The VO was unnecessary, or at least it seems to be at this stage.  The conversations were unrealistic and awkward.  I agree with Slab - I didn't believe these people, and I really didn't care.

Sorry to be so harsh, but I feel that honesty is the best policy.  Can you do something in the story that makes this girl real and likeable?

Thanks for the responses. Being that this is my first script, I know there were a bunch of things that were probably off on it a bit. I wrote this in 2005, so it's real old and I've gotten a lot better. I do want to address a couple of your comments though.

     First, about the conversations being unrealistic and awkward. What I tried to do is give the best depiction of New Orleans and its dialect. I’m from New Orleans, and this is as close to how they talk I could possible show without taking away from the story. I actually tried to write this exactly how they talked, and if you weren’t from New Orleans’s black neighborhood, you wouldn’t have understood a word. I cleaned it up the best I could without taking away from the dialect. That’s where a lot of the misspellings came into play. I do agree after re-reading it that the V.O. may have not been needed, but since I started the story off with it, I had no choice but to keep up with it.

      Next, about these characters being reckless with their mouths. Although the way I set the organization is mimicked around The Sopranos, the show and the atmosphere are more along the lines of The Wire. I made it a point in the story to show the characters using pay phones and prepaid phones. Yeah with good police work, they could probably bring down the entire organization, but we’re talking about Louisiana, one of, if not the most corrupted states in the U.S. On that point, maybe I could have made that a little more clear. I’m from New Orleans, so my thought on that is everybody knows how bad the situation is out there.  

     Lastly, the main character being likable. The way I made her more likable was surrounding her with people that weren’t likable. She the most intelligent out of the all the characters, but yet everything seems to fall apart for her no matter what she tries. You see good in her, but you also see the bad in her which is more realistic, in my opinion, than I’m getting credit for. She’s still a criminal. Is she a likable criminal? No. Is she a hated criminal? No. It is what it is on that aspect, and that’s mimicked from The Wire. She’s just, quite frankly, a product of her environment.

     I know when you write a story like this, I’m going to get more negatives then positives because it’s hard to understand what it’s like in New Orleans, and I didn’t really have time to make that understood other than a few conversations. I mean everything that was written was written into that tone, and most people will say all hoods are the same, when they are not. The Wire shows the hoods in Baltimore, and to be honest, that show could relate to New Orleans with the corruption of city officials and whatnot. Now is it the same story? No it isn’t, but it’s hard to understand unless you lived there.

    Thanks for the honesty, cause a lot of people who read stuff like this won’t give you that brutally honest response. I hope this helps in explaining a few things, but I know it will help me find better ways to present it.