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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Desecration Moderators: bert
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  Author    Desecration  (currently 4940 views)
Don
Posted: January 8th, 2008, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Desecration by Mike Shelton - Horror - When a group of young adults is kidnapped by a gang of hardened criminals and subjected to horrible acts of violence on the grounds of an ancient cemetery, the land becomes desecrated and the dead are unable to rest in peace. Rising from their graves, the dead make their way through the woods, seeking revenge, eliminating anything in their path, and causing the would be enemies to band together in the hopes of making it out alive. 106 pages - pdf, format


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ReaperCreeper
Posted: January 8th, 2008, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike.

Sorry to say this, but I just couldn't get into this script. It had an interesting premise, but I stopped at page twelve because I had an extremely tough time telling the characters apart. I had enough problems trying to differentiate the three girls who were basically clones of each other (save for Haley who was a bit more bitchy) and then  you mass-introduced four men with no physical descriptions in addition to the clerk and the girl they were robbing. I had to repeatedly go back and look at the previous pages to see who was who until I finally gave up (which one is the cheerleader, which one  is the space-girl? Etc). I seriously recommend rewriting your characters, or adding some physical differences between them to tell them apart. As it is, I simply couldn't read it.   

--Julio
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Shelton
Posted: January 8th, 2008, 10:25pm Report to Moderator
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Well Julio, thanks for taking a crack at it I guess.  I think you spent a little too much time taking the characters for what they were wearing rather than their personalities, which look to be pretty laid out from my vantage point.  Probably a little stereotypical, but nothing that's unusual for this genre.

The four guys were intro'd in rapid succession, I agree, but they each have their role within the group as well.

I don't spend much time, if any, describing the way my characters look in any script.  Usually the furthest I'll go is to describe certain articles of clothing, or possibly hair color.

I just looked back at the script for reference, and you were about three pages from meeting the last of the characters for the script.  I intro'd all of them in about the first 15 pages, developed them over the first half of the script, and then finished it all out with the horror aspect.  

Anyway, thanks for trying.  


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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mcornetto
Posted: January 9th, 2008, 2:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Mike,

Has this changed since the last time I read it?  If so, I'll give it another squizz.  Let me know.

Michael
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Shelton
Posted: January 9th, 2008, 9:23am Report to Moderator
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I added in a couple new characters and made a few minor changes to the story, but nothing overly major.  The basic structure is still in tact.


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Soap Hands
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

I had trouble determining whether you were intentionally going B movie-ish or if you were trying to take it more seriously. At the end I decided on the B movie thing. If that wasn't your intent I think you need to tighten a lot of stuff up.

Alright.

Your format was good as for as I could tell.

Some of your dialog was nice, some of it I thought felt a little off. Like it was too long winded or something, it didn't flow right to me. Also, some of it I thought was too visibly expositional and that took me out of it some.

Descriptions were ok overall, but for some of the action stuff, where stuff is happening quickly, I suggest you make them more concise or break them up more so it reads faster.

Story wise I had some problems, even with the slack from categorizing this in the  B movie category.

I thought this was going to be about zombies but they show up at around page 50, about half way through. I think that's a problem. I think you need to cut some stuff out of the set up or shorten it to get to the zombies faster. I also thought the rape stuff all went on way too long.

Also on that note, the zombies practically came out of nowhere. You had the stuff with Jimmy and everet in the beginning but I think you need some more foreshadowing. I think you also need to get some more of the desecration zombie mythos in way earlier in the movie rather then throwing it in towards the end.  

It occurred to me  that you might have wanted to do a From dusk till dawn genre hop thing. If you want to do that I think its a bad choice, but hey, to each his own.  

I had a lot of trouble suspending disbelief about Nick's change of heart. Why was he running with these people if he has such a heart of gold? He didn't make sense to me. He saw Buzz kill several people but for him the last straw is apparently rape. He kind of has the explanation about a damaged existence but it still felt weak to me. I think  this was one of the biggest problems in your script.

I also had a hard time buying Laurel’s thing for Nick. It all felt really forced to me. I don't know where you are going to put it but I really think it needs some more development and it needs to start earlier.

Another thing you should know is that I also had some trouble keeping track of all the characters, especially the girls. Also, a lot of your jokes didn't work for me, you also seem to go to some lengths to set them up. If you are looking for a way to shorten the set up cutting some of that stuff might be a good place to start.

Overall, I can't say I liked this. Some of it worked for me. Some of it didn't. I think this still needs work.  

sheepwalker
  


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Shelton
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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Sheepwalker,

Thanks for checking it out.  You're pretty much correct in that this is closer to B movie style.  I don't think I'd ever bother to write a serious zombie movie.  It would probably turn out pretty ridiculous.

You're also right about this following a similar structure to From Dusk Till Dawn.  The reason is that these zombies aren't rising from the dead because of radiation in the air, a chemical spill, or one of the other usual causes.  They have a motive, and I had to establish that beforehand and develop the characters a little before they show up.

My main concern is your buying into Nick's change of heart, since there really wasn't supposed to be one.  He's an armed robber who just got hooked in with the wrong bunch of guys.  Even with the demise of Ace he said his piece, and he speaks out progressively more as the story goes on and things get worse.

Laurel's thing for him is more or less the result of the situation.  Nick is the only one in the group that resembles a hero, and that makes him somewhat more desirable, in a clingy sort of way, so she stays close to him.

Can you give me some examples of what jokes you felt were built up but fell flat?

I agree that this needs some work, but me and the people I've been working with have put it on the back burner for now while we work on another project, so I figured I'd throw it up here for some feedback/ideas.

Thanks


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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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Soap Hands
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 7:06pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,


Quoted from Shelton
My main concern is your buying into Nick's change of heart, since there really wasn't supposed to be one.  He's an armed robber who just got hooked in with the wrong bunch of guys.  Even with the demise of Ace he said his piece, and he speaks out progressively more as the story goes on and things get worse.


I guess change of heart isn't exactly the most accurate phrase. You're right, he speaks out and is grumbling to himself all the time. What I was trying to get at was his inconsistency in what upsets him and how that transitions him into being opposed to Buzz and allied with the kids.

Example, he watches Buzz kill the guy at the counter and ace, he voices some concern then goes on with them. Later, when things start to heat up in the woods he draws the line. Really? He only disapproves of murder and the other stuff really gets to him.

Not only that, but he's willing to just get himself out and leave everyone else to get abused and raped. And yet still later he acts like a knight in shinning armor when helping everybody and giving Buzz a hard time for the stuff he does.

So, all in all, I agree that you get the point across but I think it was handled sloppily. I think Nick is inconsistent and about half way through he suddenly grows some balls and comes out of it in dialect opposition to Buzz so strongly that I had trouble swallowing it.


Quoted from Shelton
Laurel's thing for him is more or less the result of the situation.  Nick is the only one in the group that resembles a hero, and that makes him somewhat more desirable, in a clingy sort of way, so she stays close to him.


I still stand by what I said before.


Quoted from Shelton
Can you give me some examples of what jokes you felt were built up but fell flat?


The only thing that really stand out in my mind was the animal farm thing. There were some others I think but I don't remember specifically what. I think maybe also with Vince, Jerry, and Dan while they're driving to the party? Maybe when they meet them in the club too. Sorry, I couldn't be more specific and helpful but frankly I'm too lazy to look through it again.

sheepwalker
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Shelton
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Soap Hands


...he's willing to just get himself out and leave everyone else to get abused and raped. And yet still later he acts like a knight in shinning armor when helping everybody and giving Buzz a hard time for the stuff he does.  


I'm not sure I know what you're saying.  Get himself out?


Quoted from Soap Hands
The only thing that really stand out in my mind was the animal farm thing. There were some others I think but I don't remember specifically what. I think maybe also with Vince, Jerry, and Dan while they're driving to the party? Maybe when they meet them in the club too. Sorry, I couldn't be more specific and helpful but frankly I'm too lazy to look through it again.


Okay, I get it.  The Animal Farm thing wasn't really meant to be a joke though.

The guys...yeah that makes sense.  I wanted to make them dumbasses for the most part.



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Soap Hands
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Hey,


Quoted from Shelton
I'm not sure I know what you're saying.  Get himself out?


Sorry, I'm wasn't being more clear. I meant when he tried to walk away in the woods after they capture the kids.( thus abandoning the kids in the woods ti Buzz) Then Buzz threatens to shoot him so he stops.

He knew bad stuff was going to happen at that moment and he decides he wants to go. Yet latter he's indignant about what happens.

Is that the only point that needs clarification or was there other stuff?

sheepwalker
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Shelton
Posted: January 12th, 2008, 7:32pm Report to Moderator
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No, I got it.  Thanks for clearing it up...and for reading.


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Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 14th, 2008, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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  Whether you decide to introduce the zombies earlier or stay with what you have, the abduction, implementing the element of surprise and characters that act rather then being just acted upon is more essential.

  Surprise doesn’t have to wait on zombies, before they even show up there’s already conflict amongst people who have a higher potential to be deceptive. I think there’s two elements of surprise, one having the character learn about another character, a situation or circumstance that surprise them and the audience, simultaneously. The other having the audience privy to information that some characters aren’t aware of, now, this does occur when Carrie sets up the group of teenagers, creating tension, but there’s also room for surprise here too. Get the audience thinking one way, Buzz and his gang are going to attack from the rear, but they come from front or side.

  
  Buzz himself doesn’t have much mystery behind him, he’s pretty up front, and he’s not very clever. When someone’s the driving force a majority of the story he/she better be entertaining as hell. I think you’re asking too much of him. Buzz is either acting or telling others how to act, which makes things, seem more repetitive. When the zombies make an appearance, it only changes format in that now Buzz has joined the group being acted upon and the zombies have token the place of Buzz. The common Parallel between both opponents displays how underused human deception is. The zombies can’t really impalement an element of surprise the same way Buzz, a human can. Buzz doesn’t, it just seems as though while there’s a lot of action, just not much plot.


Continued


Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Busy Little Bee
Posted: January 14th, 2008, 4:13pm Report to Moderator
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  Nick nor the teens ever try to deceive Buzz or Pike to get an upper hand of sorts, you’re just watching events unfold, but when you’ve had a surprise a new element, dynamic tossed in it changes and then I want to see how things unfold, then another surprise, unfold with more action and so on and so forth until the biggest reveal that not only was Buzz responsible but so was Nick, which I like as a finale.

  It congers up a big theme, or discussion among ethics, which is, “Who’s to blame? Should a person who knows right from wrong and allow the wrong around him to continue bare a brunt of the guilt, if so how much?” I’m wondering did you do this intentionally? I think there’s something to be said about that.


  And you can make an argument in small ways by using comparisons of a small plot that part of the whole for example, driving while drunk, I can’t remember I think all the guys had been drinking at the party. Whichever one of the boys driving have them a hit deer or dog on the rode then discuss a little a bit about whose fault it is before driving off again. “Sure, he was driving, but did any of the girls object? Did any want to but didn’t? This undertone also creates a relationship for whoever that person is, like Laurel, and Nick cause similar situation, subtext.
  An audience may find the love interests between the two because they relate in that they play the same role in their respective groups. Next one of the girls is driving now after the guy hit the dog. And with a woman driving after what’s just happened there’s no question a woman behind the wheel is more inclined to stop for another woman, in need. When every urges her to drive on she feels guilty about not stepping up before now she does what she thinks is right. And through out the whole abduction the other teens may even blame her for pulling over.


Thanks for the read and your time. I'm looking forward to reading whatever is next.




Commodus: But the Emperor Claudius knew that they were up to something. He knew they were busy little bees. And one night he sat down with one of them and he looked at her and he said, "Tell me what you have been doing, busy little bee..."
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Murphy
Posted: January 14th, 2008, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Shelton, I read this this morning and want to add my thoughts on this script.

I still find it difficult to pass comment on other peoples hard work when I am not even close to having a feature started let alone finished, But there are some things in this that are really good and there are things I think need some more work.

I liked the premise and the story, anything that is not your run of the mill zombie film is great and this I think worked well. Your writing is spot on and saw no real issues with the formatting, the dialogue on the whole was good with only a few moments where It just did not feel totally convincing. But I am not really a great horror buff and whatever horror scripts I read I am never totally convinced by the dialogue in any of them, It is that whole "oh shit, someone has ripped John my best friends head off!, oh well lets head for the basement" I do sometimes wish there could be a more realistic way to deal with the death of a friend in horror movies but understand that is so difficult to do and still keep the flow and to keep the level of stupidity required from key characters in this genre.

Where your script failed for me was the number of characters, I think there were far too many to be honest and personally speaking it had a negative effect on the script for me. I counted 14 main characters plus the two that died early on, that is an awful lot to keep track on. I think this story would work much better with less, instead of three guys and gals from the party why not just make it two? The chase through the woods sequence did get quite confusing, It would be better to have had the main group all together in one chase, Buzz in another and the cops in a third, having the good guys splitting up was just a bit much for me.

I would also think of maybe leaving out the introduction to Jimmy and Everet until the scene at Everets cabin. It would be quite good to have all these guys running about the woods being chased by Zombies and then when they think it was bad enough the traps start appearing, As the viewer would have no idea who was setting the traps at first it would start to make us wonder if it was the zombies themselves or whatever. Of course back at the ranch we would find out then who Jimmy was and why he set the traps etc.. You could still have Jimmy make an appearance in the woods at some point but we would have no idea who he was, add a bit more mystery so to speak. I am not sure you need to set-up the story for the zombies at the beginning of the movie, some things are better not being explained until nearer the climax so the whole scene with Jimmy and Everet could be made redundant - thus helping with the issue of introducing so many characters at the beginning.

I think someone would have killed Buzz in the cabin, maybe even Brody - he seems a really weak ass cop and not sure what his role really was - he never did anything. I would have liked to have seen him take charge and become the central figure during the final act, killing Buzz would have helped achieve that.

Anyway they were the main points I picked up on, I really think this was a decent effort and can see a lot of good stuff in this, It could become a really good script with a bit more work.

Saying that though, what do I know?

Cheers Murphy


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Shelton
Posted: January 15th, 2008, 12:59am Report to Moderator
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BLB and Murphy,

Thanks for looking through the script.  I appreciate your comments, but I'll be damned if I didn't have quite a laugh at a lot of what you said.

Not that there was anything wrong with any of it, but you both mentioned things that were  there in the very first draft of this script about a year ago.  It was only about 65 pages (It actually started at the 21st page of the script), and there was no Brody and Pete, no scenes with Jimmy and Everett at the beginning, and no Carrie.  Actually, in the first draft, Carrie was still a random hitchhiker, but instead of them pulling over to help her as she plods along the road, they hit her with the car when one of the guys decided to play "lights out".

I can see how things got confusing in the woods, and I struggled like hell trying to figure out a way to write it.  Everything was going on in the woods at that point, so it came down to Woods, Deep Woods, and Clearing.  Really a pain in the ass, but I decided to go that way cause it allowed the story to go off in a few different directions, and focus more on the characters individually.

I wouldn't worry about being qualified to review horror, Murphy.  It's not my genre either, as I'm much more comfortable working in Comedy.  I just like to branch out into other genres every so often when I get an idea that I think is worth it.  So far I think I've done a Horror, Action, Action/Horror, and various shorts that are all over the place.  Looking at my idea factory, the next thing I submit will most likely be a comedy, mainly because I've already started work on it.

Thanks again to both of you for reading.  Makes me think I may have been on the right track earlier on.


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