SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 19th, 2024, 1:31am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Feral Moderators: bert
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 5 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Feral  (currently 2609 views)
Don
Posted: January 16th, 2008, 8:50pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16369
Posts Per Day
1.94
Feral by Michael Prevette - Horror - What was once legend, is now a nightmare...as a group of strangers are brought together for one night of horror in the deep woods, one night where they'll face their deepest fears and the most terrifying creature to even move from myth - to very deadly reality. 97 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
dneville
Posted: January 31st, 2008, 11:24am Report to Moderator
New


Posts
15
Posts Per Day
0.00
Hello Mike,

Just got done reading your script and I have to say, wow! I really enjoyed it. It's got a great vibe to it that I really dug. It reminded me a lot of Jaws and I mean that in a good way. What I really liked was it's almost homage/throwback to those cool man against beast flicks from the 80s.

What I also thought was really cool was it definitely paid homage to one of the greatest shows on television and thats X-files (nice shout out by the way!)

The story really got me hooked right away and before I knew it I had already read forty pages. The pacing is good and it's scene to scene transition really keeps it moving right along.

Question about the characters. I don't know if it's part of the old school charm of the movie or not, while I generally liked the characters they felt very stock to me. I felt like I've seen these people before and nothing really popped for me where I was like THIS is a cool character. Now I don't mean that in a bad way, if that's what you intended. I feel like maybe making these characters more dynamic and add more dimension to them they will really separate themselves for other characters we've seen before. I understand it's a horror/thriller and sometimes the charm of those movies is generic characters, but I feel like here the story would benefit so much more with more dimension to the characters. I felt like you write dialog very well, but sometimes you fall into the trap I do and you end up giving them generic lines to say that we've all heard before.

Also I feel like the group of twenty somethings really needs to be represented better. I just wasn't able to believe that they owned a business for a short while. They came across as a bunch of immature seventeen year olds in the beginning and maybe you were going for that, but I felt like it hindered the whole back story of them being in debt. I feel like each of these characters needs to have a separate 'voice' I felt at times their dialog ran together and it was hard to separate them apart from one another, which makes it hard for them to be likable.  I feel like giving them a separate voice and really making us feel for them will bring them home. I want to care about why they are in debt. I don't just want to know about it.

Something I know that will come up sooner or later is the beast, the bigfoot if you will, when to show, how to show it, etc...shark in Jaws, you get it. I was really jazzed on the beast up until I started kind of learning about it. I liked the mystery of the hole they dug up, I liked wondering about what was down there etc. I felt like when we cut to the scene where we see the beast kill the deer and then we're back at the caves and it's eating the deer, okay that's cool, but I felt it hurt the scene where we see the sheriff at Andy's place and Andy busts out the skeleton hand. It loses it's coolness because now I already know that it belongs to the beast and it's like wow, big deal, you have the hand of one, the scene is really good, but I want to see it before I start learning about the beast. I didn't want to learn about the beast from an audience perspective so to say.  I was thinking that a really cool scene would be keeping this creature shrouded in mystery, revealing a little bit at a time, then have either the group of kids or the sheriff and his group discover the lair and find the nests so to say of the other beasts, have them kind of piece together what is going on here. I think that will make things really pop. You'll be like why is this creature after us, then boom you realize that it's pissed because it's family has been attacked. Make this a reveal later in an it plays out a lot tighter.

Other than that I thought it was a great read and keep me entertained. You did a really awesome job. Can't wait to read more of you stuff.

Take care.

Derek
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 1 - 14
Limey
Posted: February 1st, 2008, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
New


Location
London
Posts
33
Posts Per Day
0.01
Hi Mike

This was an enjoyable read although I think "Harry and the Hendersons" has spoiled any Bigfoot based movies for me - I just can't take it seriously as a beastie (no reflection on your writing, I hasten to add   )

Anyway, Derek has beaten me to the main points I would make. I always like to be kept guessing as to what exactly the monster is in these type of films so I'd definitely hold off revealing what the younger Sasquatch is until at least the second half of the second Act. Same goes for showing the adult in full, but I suppose that's just personal preference.

I also felt the characters were a little flat - there wasn't much to choose between any of them and I didn't particularly feel I had anyone to root for.

I thought the action was well paced and well written (the opening encounters between Harve and Harve and Skerritt and the beast were excellent). The revelation of the second beast was a nice way to up the stakes, but the beasts then split up immediately which I felt kind of defeated the purpose (although I suppose the party did split up as well).

I think you could improve the climax with a bit more work. Currently it doesn't feel any more powerful than the preceding 20 or so pages - they're still facing the beasts one at a time, in the same locations, still shooting at them and not really doing much. I'm sure you can find a way to up the ante for the final showdown - maybe set it in the tunnels, the lair of the beast, the final invasion of the beast's habitat by man.

Couple of other plot points I'd mention;

1) What about Richie / Jamison's truck - can't they use that to escape?

2) P 73 - Why would they inspect the dead "baby beast" there? Surely after what they'd just witnessed they'd do a runner immediately? It feels more like a plot necessity than a realistic reaction.

3) The showdown between Skerritt and Jamison / Lana doesn't really complicate things (in fact the whole Jamison subplot doesn't really complicate the main plot). I'd try and think of a way of that showdown making things harder for Skerritt. I know that Harve ends up dead but he didn't have any special knowledge / equipment without which the mission became harder, so really it's a case of "so what?"

Anyway, I don't tend to bang on about the good bits of a script in my reviews (if it's good it doesn't need changing, right?) so I hope this doesn't sound overly negative. The first Act really drew me in and I did enjoy it so nice work!

Hope you find at least some of this useful.

Cheers

Adam


Bored of shorts? Try a full length feature;

Red Balloons and Rollercoasters (Comedy / Romantic Dramedy)

Read it...

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/REDBALLOONSANDROLLERCOASTERS.pdf

And rip it to shreds in a review...

http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1202674615/
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 14
mikep
Posted: February 1st, 2008, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks for the feedback so far guys.. Harry And The Hendersons, indeed!

I agree the characters are a bit flat, something I wrestled with as the younger crowd was originally written older, Skerritt had more of a home life shown, etc. Derek's mention of Jaws was spot on, as oddly that was my model for the script in a way ( not that this is anywhere near that caliber), as I wanted to keep it as lean as possible and gear it towards my strengths, which I feel is action. The majority of the good comments I've had from other sources and Trigger Street, seemed to focus on giving high marks to the action/thriller aspects. But maybe in focusing as I did on trying to keep it moving like a juggernaut the characters are slighted and are there to keep the story moving ahead. In that they succeed but, yeah, another polihs could not hurt if I work towards making them come to life more, spring off the page more.

Thanks again for the read, any feedback is good feedback ( most of the time!).


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 3 - 14
dneville
Posted: February 2nd, 2008, 1:14pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
15
Posts Per Day
0.00
Mike,

I wanted to add one more thing. Something I like to do when writing action. You already know that the story is going to be about a bigfoot. Now come up with another story. What I mean is, think of what this movie would be if bigfoot wasn't around. What would these characters be doing? What would their lives be like. Pretend you're writing this indie movie. Think of Jaws and then remove the shark, what's the story about? I think that may really solve the issue of the flat characters. Pretend you're writing this low budget indie drama, because you already know you want BF in there, once you have the story without the beast everything else will come together really great.

Hope this helps!

Derek
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 14
slabstaa
Posted: May 4th, 2008, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Let me just say right off the bat that you had me by the balls from page 22 to 27.  My heart was literally in my throat…very, very scary.  I like how Skerritt and Harve go out of their way to help each other against this “thing.”  I think it’s very important to have characters like that in a script.  And did I see a little reference to Tremors (“what the hell is going on? I mean, what the hell is going on!”) in Skerritt’s dialogue after that incident, or was it just me?

I like Katy’s line about contacting Skerritt after they kill one of the beasts--cuz he’ll know what to do…especially since he barely got out of dodge with his first encounter with these things.  Richie’s line about Harve never getting out there and breaking his back is great too since he almost had his ass snapped in half earlier LOL.

Ooph—what a hit in the gut.  I didn’t expect Chris to find Maggie in the tunnel like that.  I thought they were actually going to rescue her.  Nice twist.  I love the action that comes after this.  Once again I’d like to point out how you have the characters going out of their way to save each others lives.  It really works here.  And thank goodness for Katy, shit, I thought my man Skerritt was gonna get it at first.  Well, I’m reading and taking notes as I go along and I guess I spoke too soon on that account LOL.  At least he went out in style, though (something about him reminds me of John Saxon, which is a plus).

Overall I think you have a nice little script here.  It can be very suspenseful, scary as shit, I really dig it.  One thing I think you could try to improve on is tightening things up, but besides that I didn’t really find anything wrong because I was so into it.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 5 - 14
mikep
Posted: May 5th, 2008, 8:06am Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks , slabstaa - glad the suspense worked for you. There are a few scenes where I can tighten up a bit early on and when I get the time am going to rework the introductions of Chris, Maggie, etc - but overall I wanted to make sure it runs like a bat out of hell once things get rolling.

Liked the John Saxon note LMAO...had never thought of him but....yeah that's actually pretty good.  Thanks very much for the read.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 6 - 14
Dreamscale
Posted: May 5th, 2008, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Hi Mike, just got finished with this...read your reviews so far as well.  I'm sorry to say that I'm not going to be able to jump on the band wagon here and agree with the mostly positive feedback you've recieved.  Here's the skinny...

First of all, I love horror, creatures, monsters, you name it.  I was intrigued with the premise of your script.  It didn't work for me though, and that became apparent quite early on.

Your writing style made this read much harder than it needed to be.  You've written this in what I would call, an odd format, with tons and tons of runons, fragments connected by commas, and the use of the word "and" more than I've ever seen it used before.  You have so many sentences and paragraphs in your action scenes that just go on and on, and on, as if it's all 1 long sentence.  Many of these lines are repeating themselves again and again.  It's interesting, but makes for a very difficult read, IMO.

Your characters didn't really bring much to the table either for me.  Nothing that stands out as "bad", or "wrong", but nothing that I remember about anyone either.  Same for the dialogue - not bad or ridiculous, but not very engaging or interesting either.  I don't remember any humor, jokes, mannerisms, anything that stood out for me.

In terms of your setting, I had issues as well.  For the most part, everything here takes place at night, in a dark forested, mountainous area, or underground, in tunnels, etc.  My issue here can be explained by a recent horror movie, AVP: Requiem.  Not sure if you saw it or not, but the bottom line is that everything in that movie was so dark, you literally couldn't tell what was going on.  I don't see how your areas could be any different.  I just think you needed some other set pieces, where you would have some natural light...or light in general even.

Your "Beasts" were OK, but I didn't buy their actions and abilities.  For instance the Beast running faster than the car up or down the mountain road.  I mean, c'mon, first of all, the scene I'm seeing makes it pretty difficult for a car to run at 50 or 60 mph, but you've got your Beast running even faster.  I think it was all just a bit too much, and didn't come off as believable at all.

I also think you revealed way too much, way too early.  Almost like we're supposed to get inside the Beast's mindset and feel for it because it just lost it's child.  This is your antagonist, and it's a monster also.  We don't need to try and understand it's inner workings - it's a monster, and it's hunting and killing humans - enough said.

You write numerous things that gave us insight into what certain people (or monsters) were thinking and feeling.  These are things that cannot be filmed and therefor should not show up in your script, if you know what I mean.  Same thing with the "we hear", "we see" "he smelled" kind of stuff that you threw in.  Although alot of this is good detail that propels the story forward, it wouldn't be relavent in the filmed version at all.

Finally, your side story about the kids breaking in and robbing the logging office stuff didn't work either for me. I understand what you were trying to do and why you wanted it in, but it came off to me as hugely cliche and not at all believable.

I wish you had added scenes that were away from where all the action was taking place.  The way it's written, it has a very small scale feeling to it.  Because of this, I wasn't really drawn in and pretty much knew that we weren't going to be leaving the setting that we spent almost the entire script in.

OK, hope you don't take all that too hard, because I'm just trying to help here.  You have crafted a Bigfoot script here that is unique in terms of a few things...you've made the beasts out to be almost "caring" creatures, that don't attack humans as prey, but only in "revenge", or out of sorrow or anger.  The tunnels in which they lived were also an interesting twist on the genre.  And finally, although it didn't totally work for me, you crafted a number of scenes early on in which there was real tension, and terror, because we didn't know exactly what was "out there", and we assumed that there would be some early kills, which there weren't (so that was a surprise in itself).

Bottom line for me is that the format you chose to use, involving hugely long sentences and paragraphs made this a long, hard read, and I think took away from your story.

Again, I don't want to come across as an A-Hole or the like, but want to give you real feedback about what I thought worked and didn't work.  OK?  Best of luck, man!
Logged
e-mail Reply: 7 - 14
mikep
Posted: May 5th, 2008, 6:55pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04
Thanks for the read, always is appreciated, no matter what the end result.


Quoted from Dreamscale

Your writing style made this read much harder than it needed to be.  You've written this in what I would call, an odd format, with tons and tons of runons, fragments connected by commas, and the use of the word "and" more than I've ever seen it used before.  You have so many sentences and paragraphs in your action scenes that just go on and on, and on, as if it's all 1 long sentence.  Many of these lines are repeating themselves again and again.  It's interesting, but makes for a very difficult read, IMO.


A valid concern if it made it a difficult read for you. You're the first one to mention it, but I won't dismiss it. The style of the writing in the action scenes IS different, I admit it's something I stole from a better writer than myself and used to to build momentum in the action set pieces. The way it's written can lead someone to see it as a long run on style, for some it works, for some it didn't. But I take note of your objection. Bad thing is, if you have a problem with that in the beginning, then it's hard to draw you into the story or action at all.

The characters, yes, are pretty much COP, BAD GUY, VICTIM - I do admit that with the exception of the Sheriff ( and he's not in that much depth), the characters are there to serve the story and keep it moving. This draft is a hybrid of my second draft and the rewrite from the then-prospective producer, and the result are some cookie cutter characters. When I get to revising it, there are changes along these lines already in mind. Not that this is some excuse, but - although I think the people are serviceable in terms of being there for the story, they are one-dimensional.

Your reference to AVP:Requiem however, I do disagree with. That movie was just poorly lit and shot. You can shot a movie in the dark, in the rain, and not be murky. There are plenty of night/rain scenes in films that aren't close to pitch black, as AVPR was.


Quoted Text

Finally, your side story about the kids breaking in and robbing the logging office stuff didn't work either for me. I understand what you were trying to do and why you wanted it in, but it came off to me as hugely cliche and not at all believable.

I wish you had added scenes that were away from where all the action was taking place.  The way it's written, it has a very small scale feeling to it.  Because of this, I wasn't really drawn in and pretty much knew that we weren't going to be leaving the setting that we spent almost the entire script in.


You hit the nail on the head actually, it is a small scale horror/thriller. The intent was to keep it small in focus and down to a few locations. It confines the story yes but I don't see it as a detriment, although again, the argument for a larger scale is not bad however.


Quoted Text

OK, hope you don't take all that too hard, because I'm just trying to help here.  You have crafted a Bigfoot script here that is unique in terms of a few things...you've made the beasts out to be almost "caring" creatures, that don't attack humans as prey, but only in "revenge", or out of sorrow or anger.  The tunnels in which they lived were also an interesting twist on the genre.  And finally, although it didn't totally work for me, you crafted a number of scenes early on in which there was real tension, and terror, because we didn't know exactly what was "out there", and we assumed that there would be some early kills, which there weren't (so that was a surprise in itself).
Bottom line for me is that the format you chose to use, involving hugely long sentences and paragraphs made this a long, hard read, and I think took away from your story.

Again, I don't want to come across as an A-Hole or the like, but want to give you real feedback about what I thought worked and didn't work.  OK?  Best of luck, man!


Again, no worries, you gave a pretty good thoughtful review. I've had much worse, reviews where it was obvious the person was just skimming pages and not really reading, or worse in some cases. But I won't argue with someone giving an honest opinion. This is a script that has been through tons of changes and am looking for more feedback like yours to see where it needs to go once I do sit down to rewrite. So no worries, you weren't an A-hole at all.  Thanks for your time spent.


13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 8 - 14
Dreamscale
Posted: May 5th, 2008, 7:09pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Sounds good.  I was actually worried that I was a bit harsh in what I said and the way I said it.  Glad you understand.

I will add this...you writing style with the long passages DID create a sense of urgency, and in a way, made the read fast in these areas...BUT, it also took away from any detail, and in some instances, when someone was killled, it actually came across as almost "no big deal".  I mean when I got through one of these passages, i knew people had just died, but I had to go back and try to see exactly what happened to them and who it was that was just offed.  So, in reality, although the style creates urgency and "reads quickly", the net affect is a much slower read where detail becomes difficult to grasp, and more effort is asked of the reader.

I feel that shorter, "sweeter" passages are easier to read and most importantly, to ingest...or take in.  The way it's written, everything seems to be globbed together, just like it's written.  Know what I mean?

Anyway, best of luck to ya, and I'd be happy to read any edits/rewrites/etc.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 9 - 14
slabstaa
Posted: May 6th, 2008, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Yeah, I noticed that too about the action parts but I let it slide.  Now I'm about 60 pages deep in Mike's breathing house script and i see the same thing is done there too.  I mean, i can see why it would throw people off but it doesn't really bother me that much.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 10 - 14
Dreamscale
Posted: May 6th, 2008, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



What is "the breathing house script"?
Logged
e-mail Reply: 11 - 14
slabstaa
Posted: May 6th, 2008, 10:51pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



Charnel House lol.  It's actually pretty cool.  And it mentions bigfoot.  Mike seems to have a thing for the guy.  Anyway, I recommend it it's really interesting so far.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 12 - 14
mgj
Posted: May 31st, 2008, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
New



Location
British Columbia, Canada
Posts
253
Posts Per Day
0.04
Hi Mike.  You seem to have a number of features posted on here so I thought I'd check one of them out.

I'll make notes as I go:

I like the opening setup with the sinkhole in the woods.  A great deal of mystery is created right off the bat.  Actually I'm quite baffled.  Something has been awakened is about all I know.  Alot of questions right now (I'll admit I have no idea what this script is going to be about) but the chase itself was quite exhilerating so you've got my attention.  

Up to page 19 now.  So this is a Big Foot story.  Wasn't expecting that.  Again - alot of questions still linger, particularly its relation to the sinkhole.  

I'm not sure ol' Harve would go back up there to the construction site so easily, especially after the ordeal he's been through.  Even with the sherrif in tow this strikes me as a little false.  Perhaps you could rework it so Harve is more of a reluctant participant who gets hoodwinked into this somehow.  

Up to page 40 now.  You have an interesting story structure going on here.  Alot of jumping back and forth between several different sets of characters.  No real protagonist has emerged as of yet.  Generally I frown upon this but I'll see how it plays out.

Page 50 - really liked the car chase sequence and the ensuing mayhem with the beast on the mountain road.  You really shine here as a writer.  The frantic energy, several things happening at once but you juggle them all well.  I know a previous review mentioned Jaws as a comparison.  To me, this brings to mind more Jurrasic Park.

Page 61 - Ha, I'm glad Bev finally said it.  They are putting themselves out of a job by doing that.  I was wondering when someone would mention that.

Up to page 70 now.  All parties, like I suspected, have come together at the construction site.  There's alot happening here - maybe too much.  The beast almost seems secondary at the moment.  It feels like several plot points have collided and aren't meshing too well together - a bit unfocused.   I might actually do away with Jamison.  He seems to functions mainly as someone to despise so we can watch him die rather than as a true villian or someone to move the plot forward - a thought anyway.

Overall I admired the frantic energy of this script.  What I think this script lacks though IMO is a true protagonist - somebody that fuels the story from beginning to end.  To me this person is/should be the sherrif and I'd suggest expanding his role.  We got a glimpse of his homelife.  I sense you had him pegged as that but either abandoned that idea or other parts of the story took over.  In any event I'd definitely consider bringing him into the main focus of your story.  He was a likable character and seemed to be the most head-strong of the group.

Despite a few missteps storywise it's clear you can write and the tension and atmosphere were well established and sustained throughout.  Hope some of this helps.  


-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 14
mikep
Posted: June 3rd, 2008, 7:35am Report to Moderator
New



Location
North Carolina USA
Posts
238
Posts Per Day
0.04

Quoted from mgj

I'm not sure ol' Harve would go back up there to the construction site so easily, especially after the ordeal he's been through.  Even with the sherrif in tow this strikes me as a little false.  Perhaps you could rework it so Harve is more of a reluctant participant who gets hoodwinked into this somehow.  

I had wanted Harve to be reluctant, he's sure shown as shaken after the first encounter, but yes he does jump back into the fray. He can either get hoodwinked back into the story or maybe get courage from a bottle maybe. I'm SLOWLY revising the script ( it's a back burner project but it's getting done here and there) so this is something to be sure to be addressed.


Quoted Text

Page 50 - really liked the car chase sequence and the ensuing mayhem with the beast on the mountain road.  You really shine here as a writer.  The frantic energy, several things happening at once but you juggle them all well.  I know a previous review mentioned Jaws as a comparison.  To me, this brings to mind more Jurrasic Park.
Hmm good comparison with JP - had not thought of that. I really do like this sequence, thought it came together very well and has the frantic quality you mention. I do think, throughout all my scripts, that writing action is my forte, so am pleased you find it exciting as well.


Quoted Text

Up to page 70 now.  All parties, like I suspected, have come together at the construction site.  There's alot happening here - maybe too much.  The beast almost seems secondary at the moment.  It feels like several plot points have collided and aren't meshing too well together - a bit unfocused.   I might actually do away with Jamison.  He seems to functions mainly as someone to despise so we can watch him die rather than as a true villian or someone to move the plot forward - a thought anyway.

Jamison - I admit he IS a plot device. He's not a vital character, and yes, in the end he is the "bad guy", he's there to get his just desserts. But why I really included him was I wanted the confrontation that takes place around page 70. the shootout that kills a handful of characters. What I wanted was to throw a curve and have these people who you think are going to meet  a bad end at the hands of the Beast, come to an unexpected end at this point. I think it's three characters who die at that point and I had hoped the confrontation would add a sense of unpredictability to it all.  It's met with varying degrees of acceptance - some liked that expectations were thwarted at that point, some, like you, see it slightly different.


Quoted Text

Overall I admired the frantic energy of this script.  What I think this script lacks though IMO is a true protagonist - somebody that fuels the story from beginning to end.  To me this person is/should be the sherrif and I'd suggest expanding his role.  We got a glimpse of his homelife.  I sense you had him pegged as that but either abandoned that idea or other parts of the story took over.  In any event I'd definitely consider bringing him into the main focus of your story.  He was a likable character and seemed to be the most head-strong of the group.

Good call - overall I see the story as a ensemble piece, although we do see a bit more of the Sheriff than anyone, and yes in an earlier draft the script ended with him surviving and returning home - however, I just had to end the darn thing on a bleaker note :p and stuck with the hospital ending. It's funny as drafts would pass back and forth I'd KEEP killing him off and ending at the hospital. As I tighten the writing a bit in the next revision and add / drop some elements, I can make Skerritt a bit more in the lead.


Quoted Text

Despite a few missteps storywise it's clear you can write and the tension and atmosphere were well established and sustained throughout.  Hope some of this helps.  
-Mike


Thanks very much for the read. Yes the script is my attempt at a thrill ride, so am glad you felt the tension and liked the atmosphere. I hope to have a revised draft sometime towards the end of the summer.



13 feature scripts, 2 short subjects. One sale, 4 options. Nothing filmed. Damn.

Currently rewriting another writer's SciFi script for an indie producer in L.A.
Logged Offline
Private Message YIM Reply: 14 - 14
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    Horror Scripts  [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006