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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The Experiment Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Experiment  (currently 1292 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2008, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Experiment by James Carlette - Short, Action, Horror - Three animal rights activists get more than bargained for when they find themselves subject to a horrifying experiment. 12 pages - pdf, format


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chism
Posted: January 28th, 2008, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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This was a very enjoyable short. Twisted, but enjoyable nonetheless.

The spelling and formatting were both top notch. The only error I noticed was on Page 2. Your description says "Frank takes a sit of his coffee", it should be "sip", but that's all. The rest of the descriptions are excellent, very short and to the point, you've managed to keep superfluous details to a minimum, which is good.

The dialogue flowed really nicely for the most part. Good interaction between the characters. You managed to keep the tension levels up while they exchanged words, so good work on that front.

Overall, an enjoyable piece of writing. Short, to the point, well-written and pretty darn gory (which I always appreciate  ). Good job, James.


Matt.
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dkw208
Posted: January 28th, 2008, 10:39pm Report to Moderator
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please read my script: http://www.simplyscripts.ne

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hey, just read it.  here are my notes:

my first issue is why did jennifer set them up?  i never really understood that.  i also think some lines of dialogue can be eliminated (like when he asks 'why is the coffee so hot', or when he screams 'i'm just an IT salesman').  those lines i think are more comedic, but don't really fit in with the tone of the rest of the piece.  on page 9, in the lab, i think we have a good opportunity to create more suspense.  right now, he finds the door that's behind the crates, and it's unlocked.  i think he should find the door, but it's locked, and he has to figure out how to open it.  there was also the electric saw he found on page 9, and i thought that was way too convenient, especially considering it was just a lab.

my biggest concern is the motivation of the evil characters, or the purpose.  why do they do these things?  i think we need to know more, so we have some frame of reference, like what do are they trying to accomplish  


please read:
canyon lake-21 pages - american gem quarterfinalist (contest ongoing):
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1200534890/



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Hoody
Posted: January 29th, 2008, 5:18am Report to Moderator
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I'm 50/50 on this one.  I really loved the idea, just not some of the execution.

I think your descriptions and actions were pretty good for the most part.  There were a couple instances where you added some unnecessary things, such as, "Complete blackness -- nothing is visible."  I think just writing something like "Comlete darkness."  will get the point across.  I think there were a couple more instances like that, could be wrong though.

I think my biggest problem was the dialogue.  I agree with Dkw208 that some of it should be eliminated, but the bigger problem is that it doesn't sound that natural, given the situation.  One big one was the Alex's line, "Maybe they're just not using these labs at the moment.  All the current stuff is probably elsewhere."  That's gonna come off sounding so awkward on-screen.  Even saying something along the lines of, "Check the offices upstairs." would work better and it's safe to assume that they have an understanding of the layout of the building, so I think it would work.  You have to understand that they're breaking into a building and they want to be as fast as possible.  I think the sentences they would be using would be the shortest and most to-the-point.  Also after seeing/hearing the creature, they should be freaked out and not thinking clearly.  As soon as they get into the lab, Alex should start stacking things in front of the door, then Ben asks him what he's doing and then you continue on with the dialogue.  Also, I don't think they would stand back and admire their work and I don't think Ben would say something like, "Oh, great plan."

I agree with Dkw208 that an electric saw is way too convenient -- especially in a lab with out-of-date tools.  He could grabs some gnarly weapon-looking instrument and use that, but I don't think you should add anything electric after describing the lab as out-of-date.

Another big thing with me is, how could they break into a building that the monster thingy couldn't break out of?  You could describe it as having no windows, but the very first sound we hear is breaking glass, so it's safe to assume that there is windows, but then the monster shouldn't have any trouble breaking out.  Also, how do they control it.  If this thing is running loose, then why would they risk sending guys in there to clean it up and if it's locked in a room, how do they get it in there afterwards?

So long story short: I really liked the idea, but I think you should go back and rewrite most of the dialogue and try and fix some of the holes.  I want to see you keep going with this idea.  And I think the title, "The Experiment" gives away the twist too easily.  Same with the logline(but now I'm not sure if you wanted to give it away right away).  I think it would be more effective if the readers found out themselves.

Hope this helps!


Please, read Elvis The Goat or Cold Turkey.  Thanks in advance and I'll make sure to review your script in exchange.
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James Carlette
Posted: January 29th, 2008, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi guys, thanks for reading.

First of all - many thanks to the people who offered advice on this script over in "Work in Progress" a few months back. Anything good in it is largely down to their suggestions. Anything crap is, of course, entirely my own fault.

Chism,


Quoted Text
"Frank takes a sit of his coffee", it should be "sip"


Damnit. That line's been there since the original draft - I should've noticed.

Glad you liked the gore.  

dkw208,


Quoted Text
my biggest concern is the motivation of the evil characters, or the purpose.  why do they do these things?


This is something I struggled with - the problem I had is that the more time I devoted to Jennifer, etc. the more I felt Alex's story suffered. So in the last draft I decided to cut that aspect of the story down to a minimum. Perhaps I need to rethink that.

Hoody,


Quoted Text
I think my biggest problem was the dialogue.


I see your point.

The next redraft will definitely have dialogue and plot holes as its focus.




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rc1107
Posted: January 31st, 2008, 12:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey James,

This one has its strong points and also weak points, I think.

One of the strengths that I liked was the pacing of the story.  It was written well and the formatting was good, so you had a nice flow going there.

One of the weaknesses I felt, though, was the logic and tightness of the story.  It didn't really make sense to me as to why they were testing the monster, or why Jen set up, I guess, her friends.  At the same time, though, I felt the characters weren't fleshed out very well, so I didn't really care when they started getting attacked.  It's nice they wanted to help out animals, but beyond that, there wasn't anything that stuck out about them.  Ben was even kind of annoying.  I couldn't wait for him to bite the dust.

I also don't understand how it's perfectly safe.  What's keeping the monster inside the building?  He can definately crash through doors.

Also, after Alex is in the storage room and Ben is in the lab with the saw, how does the creature get in?  Surely, Ben would've seen the table move so the monster could get in.  He just all of a sudden appears behind him.

It wasn't bad or a boring story at all.  I just think it would be a lot better if you tightened it up a little more or even expanded some things, like in the operation HQ, maybe explain a little more as to why the creature was created in the first place and how Jen came to know the three activists.

- Mark


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James R
Posted: February 4th, 2008, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Supper time!

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Although I will only be reiterating points previously given, here are my two cents.

Great read, great pacing, great story. There were a lot of typos (sorry, I'm big on that). And I also did not understand the motive of the ones who were conducting this experiment and the purpose of the businessman. It's difficult to write flowing dialogue but you did well there. Some of it may sound a little forced. I always try to put myself in the situation to find out what a character would say, I just have to be careful that all of the characters don't sound like me. They need to have individual personalities.

Good work, brother.

James


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pwhitcroft
Posted: February 5th, 2008, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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This is a nice concept for a story. I think the really strong concept you have is the idea of people in an animal testing lab becoming the subjects of the tests. Just as a creative exercise I’ve sketched out some thoughts here for you to consider.

I think the testers should be testing the people not the monster. Also if this is part of a “test program” what specific qualities or problems are they testing for on this particular test? Is the test a pass/fail, it kills them/it doesn’t?

For the story to have some more poetic justice about it (and great marketability with pro-animal rights Hollywood) how about having the victims be new employees who knowingly signed up to be animal testers. You could start it with a scene in which the requirements of their new job are spelled out to them (“You will have to inflict terrible pain and suffering on the animals. You will terrify them with their worst fears. You must give them no comfort or hope. Do you accept the job?”).

One person might decline and be seen walking off to safety. The others (more than three of them) would now be considered fair game for life in a campus laboratory in which gruesomely unpleasant experiments could be carried out (initially they and the audience would not know this).  Tell them that due to the infectious diseases they are working with they must live on site and can not exit for 12 weeks (this is the excuse for them being locked in).

Now you’re free to set about the most grotesquely horrible story of grisly experiments and psychological torture. The experiments can mirror actual animal testing.

Of course some of the characters would probably have to be redeemed by self less acts and a new found understanding of what is right. One of the testers would probably have to object and the testers themselves face some kind of justice.

I hope this is helpful.
Philip


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James Carlette
Posted: February 6th, 2008, 8:02am Report to Moderator
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rc1107,

The motivation of the company is something I'll work on making clearer.

James R,

Sorry about the typos - I thought I'd caught most of them.

pwhitcroft,

Great ideas. I'll definitely give them some consideration when I redraft it.

Thanks everyone for reading - it's really shown me what I have to focus on in the next few drafts.




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