Jimmy the Degenerate by Jeremiah Olzman (another_punchline) - Short, Comedy - A 1960's propaganda satire on the crippling effects of being a Degenerate.  10 pages - pdf, format

Hi, I thought this was really funny. Very well written and spot on for what I imagine you were going for.
The announcer probably had the best lines but also liked the delayed 'beeps' and the 'don't f..in touch me lines.
Good stuff!

Thank you for the feedback Stebrown.

Quick note, for those I told this script would be spotless on page one I spelled "falling" instead of "fallen." My bad.

Quoted from another_punchline Thank you for the feedback Stebrown. Quick note, for those I told this script would be spotless on page one I spelled "falling" instead of "fallen." My bad.

This one was better, but you missed a lot more than just that one.

Pg. 1 - causally

Pg. 1 - American's

Pg. 1 - "having falling"  **You caught that one**

Pg. 3 - "Dad burst"

Numerous uses of "Huh oh"

Pg. 3 - causally

Pg. 4 - loosing

Pg. 6 - "to hard"

Pg. 6 - "your not"

Pg. 7 - "The both"

Pg. 7 - Is the f bomb supposed to be bleeped, or does the bleep come afterward as you've laid out?

Pg. 7 - "Dad thrust his finger"

Pg. 7 - "He let's it fall"

Pg. 7 - "He'll have give Jimmy"

Pg. 8 - "ragging alcoholic who lives of social security"

Pg. 9 - "another f bomb bleep"

Okay, enough with the typos.  They happen in writing  

The story was alright.  Again the announcer is the best part of it, but I didn't get the same feeling as I did with the Enzyte commercial. I think he was used better there.

Had I not previously read that though, I wouldn't have a basis of comparison and I'd probably think it was alright.

Just watched the film of this and well done with producing it yourself. I think you did a really good job with it.

The lines that I thought were funny in the script transferred really well on film. I didn't like the end all that much, just how there's a delayed answer by Jimmy about the pimping, but we can already see that's what he's doing. That's really the only part that I didn't like though.

Well done and good on ya for getting it made.

Hey this was really good, very funny. Can't believe you got such little feedback for this considering it was posted way back in January.

Would love to see the film you produced of this. Is it possible to get it anywhere?

Col, it's on the main page. Press home, then just hit play

Very funny film. What was the budget?

Thanks for the feedback, it was really fun to make and everyone just kicked A** on it. It was my first shoot so hopefully more to come!

The budget started out at around $400, as we only had one Guild Actor, a great make-up artist who worked for pennies out of the kindness of her heart, and minimal props.

But after the score was paid for it turned out to be closer to $800. But the composer, Michael Teoli did a great job with it.

Saw this awhile back and wanted to comment on how F**king hilarious it was.

Congrats!

Thought this was pretty good punchline. It seemed a bit long though and could probably be tightened up a bit.  Also - way too many long shots, vary your shot length more.  Well done though.

I agree with Mike.  I thought it was funny, but it ran too long.  And the ending (the color part) is completely unnecessary.  


Phil

Phil,

Yeah, the color part was just a little fun extra we shot last minute, not really the ending.

As far as the long shots I was really timid behind the camera, so I ended up doing a bunch of establishing shots mostly cause I was a little scared to get in close and getting the continuity right with one camera.

It looks so easy when other people direct, doesn't it? But I'm reading and learning.