You Can Keep The Dog! by Stephen Brown - Short - Tom Reynold's wife has left him after 20 years of marriage. She's taken everything and the divorce has left him broke. All he's left with is the Doberman she bought him, who possibly hates him as much as she did. 4 pages - pdf, format

Hey Stephen, I gave this a quick read.

Lose the camera angles, they arew not needed. All they do is cause distraction.

The descriptions are a bit long. Trim them down.

Page 2- V.O. CASEY should be CASEY (V.O.)

I though Casey was a girl dog? WHy does she lift her leg and pee like a boy dog?

Page 2- O.C. TOM should be TOM (O.S.)

The ending was random and left me disappointed. Come to a conclusion. As it is now, this script isn't a success. Sorry.

~Zack~

Zack, thanks for the feedback. Yeah my bad about the cross-gender mistake, stupidity is my only excuse for that.
There isn't really a conclusion, just that Tom has gone mad. I was thinking about getting him to kill the dog but wanted to keep it so the dog wins in the end.
Apart from the mistakes with V.O is the formatting any better than my earlier efforts?
Thanks again.

Hey Stephen,

Yeah, besides the VO/OC things and some bulky descriptions, it is decently formated. And if you want the dog to win in the end... please show it. The way it is now, there is no conclusion.

~Zack~

I'll take zack's side in this. There really isn't an ending... it was just random.

I think you could've used more measures to make Tom seem insane.

I did like the "replacement bitch" line. gave me a laugh.

-Andrew

Wow, even though this was very short you managed to fit in a load of expletives. The imaginary conversations with what Tom sees as the replacement for his ex was great. It gave the dog a personality of its own.

Zack summed up a lot of what might be needed to add to this script. It needs a clearer ending. I was surprised when I got to the end and nothing had happened. Give it another go, but work with your idea a little more first.

James

Hey Mr. Brown,

Lol.  I did like the idea of giving Casey a voiceover.  It was funny and did add a little bit of edge to Tom going mad and conveying the message that 'he might not be all right' up in the head.

It is true, though, about the ending.  You said you wanted to show the dog won, but you didn't.  Sure, Tom busted up his place a little bit, but the way you left it, Tom was going to get him eventually, so there was no actual resolution.  At least not one that you showed us, anyway.

Quoted from You Can Keep the Dog! TOM. CONTINUED. (TO CASEY) You’ve even got the same eyes as her. Black, void of any emotion except contempt. I didn’t think when you get a divorce you get a replacement bitch just to fill in for the departed.

That whole line made me laugh out loud.  

It's kind of hard to tell if the formatting is any better or not, as there were still some of the same mistakes that I saw in 'Goodnight Anna', but I think I remember you saying you had already posted another one, so I'm thinking that this was the one that you submitted already.  (I understand what you meant by POV of a dog, now.)  

I know Tom is pissed and angry and lonely and going slowly insane, but this still felt rather light-hearted and humorous.  I'm going to propose this be voted the best light-hearted 3 page short that uses at least twelve swear words ever.

- Mark

P.S. -  And I just found this humorous, but, because of his name, I pictured Tom as a cross between TOM Selleck and Burt REYNOLDS.  

Cheers for the reads folks.
I've amended this a little bit but can't post it back on yet. I've lost the camera angles although I'm toying with keeping the P.O.V and added an ending where Tom gets arrested, probably headed to a mental health centre. It now closes on Tom blaming the dog to the policemen as they drive him away then does a Simpsons-esq close on the dog making shifty eyes. Will post it when I get a chance.
I liked that line when I was writing it aswell, pleased others got a laugh from it. I was thinking more William H Macy for Tom's character but the Selleck/Reynolds cross would be good - if only there was such an actor.
Look out for 'Thankyou Anna' (repost of Goodnight Anna) - should be on soon.

I see this as a scene, not a short.  Your character didn't learn anything or change in any way, he just got into a fight with his dog.  

I see your point Yosef91. However, he does snap. When it starts Tom is accepting the situation but just feeling sorry for himself. By the end he is in a rage and is trying to kill the dog/ex-wife.

Hey Steve,

I think you have a good start to a script here.  The images of him being miserable and talking to the dog are very good. But there needs to be some resolution at the end.  As a matter of fact if there wasn't a FADE OUT I would have thought that the pdf was accidentally chopped off somewhere in the middle.  

I see from the comments that you were making the main character snap mentally, but how does that relate to the rest of the story.  You have to carry this concept through to a conclusion.

Hey Ste, I second the other comments here in that the ending was a bit disappointing.  It has a good setup but it could do with being a bit longer.  I love the way he talks to the dog.  Nothing else to say really, it wasn't bad but doesn't feel complete at the mo.

Hey Stephen,

First of all, remember to put the script title and your name on the title page. Second, learn formating - and this is essential (there's a thread called Screenwriting Class where you can pick up all sorts of great info). There are also plenty of books on the subject and my fav is David Trottier's The Screenwriter’s Bible.

But formating will only get you so far. Story is key and every story must 1) a beginning, 2) a middle and 3) an end. This script seems to lack a little in each department. A classic mistake - but an easy fix - is telling instead of showing. Most of Tom's emotions (especially in the build up) come through dialogue and that's not enough in order to potray his feelings. To me he's just a guy talking to a mutt and then goes beserk.

Be careful of writing something that can't be shown on screen. Example:

Quoted from YOU CAN KEEP THE DOG - page 2 Tom looks solemnly down at Casey without surprise. He’s clearly had these imaginary conversations with Casey before.

That last sentence needs to go - it's simply unfilmable.

Also, refrain from using words like BEGINS TO, STARTS TO. In scripts it's either do or don't.

Another thing you need to have a look at is the actual writing. I saw a lot of IS SITTING, IS WALKING, IS RUNNING etc. Keep your writing active, use SITS, WALKS, RUNS instead. My best advise to you is to lose all the ISs and AREs in your scripts. It's not an easy fix but then again it's not impossible. And trust me, your scripts will look and read a helluvalot better.

Cheers
Rob

Thanks for the reads and notes there. Yeah I can see where the problems are with this script. I think formatting-wise I was trying to do things that I didn't know how to do properly, like POV i still don't really know how to format.
I've learnt a fair bit since submitting this one, hopefully that shows with my rewrite caled 'thank you anna'. Hopefully the next one i submit called 'Big Stakes' will be a step up.

My complaints are exactly what other people have already stated.

Is sitting should read sits.

Lose all camera direction, that's the job of the director. Unless it's a shooting script, which this is not.

Trim down the actions.

Work with it a little more, expand, don't be afraid to write more about the story. You've got backstory here that could translate into a longer short.

Keep up the work.