A Yankee Yuletide by Margaret Avnet - Short, Drama - A father desperately tries to find the one Christmas gift his sick son wants a Derek Jeter rookie card. 6 pages - pdf, format

I don't like baseball, but I really enjoyed this script. It put a warm feeling in my heart.

It's very well written. Format is great and the dialogue is also good, with one exception. I didn't like Jakes dialogue when he was telling his wife that he couldn't find the card. It was cheesy.

I really liked the ending. It made me feel good. Thank you for the nice read.

~Zack~

Very nice, I don't get that warm feeling in my chest very often, but this did it. I can't really complain about anything because the script just flowed. loved it.

thanks for the read.

Yeah, you got the warm fuzzies going. Nice work.

pp. 3 Leukemia spelled wrong (no "a")
pp. 6 Thank you Mr. (J)eter

It seems like Jake could have exhausted his resources a little more. There are likely a load of card shops in any large city (I assume this takes place in NY). A quick mention of the shops he has visited when talking with Louie would do. If he wanted to get this card that bad he would be working extremely hard.

Also, I don't think hospitals make parents wait for visiting hours. At least not when your baby was just born (that is my only experience with hospitals).

And Derek Jeter's last line was extremely cheesy, it made me think of the old GI Joe "And knowing is half the battle" clips.

Good work.

James

Who's Derek Jeter?

Just kidding.  Well, not really, because I dont' like baseball at all, but I've heard his name before.

This story, however, did have a nice warm fuzzy feeling to it.  True, a couple of the lines of dialogue did seem a little forced and cheesy, but you kind of have to in such a short script when you're trying to convey certain ideas in only a few pages.  I'm guessing this was written for the monthly competition on MP.

Anyhow, Margaret.  Pretty good job and you win the warm fuzzy script of the day award today.

- Mark

Quoted from rc1107 I'm guessing this was written for the monthly competition on MP.

Yes, Ms. Avnet has dropped a number of MP scripts onto our doorstep.

It would be nice if she would once in a while respond to some of the comments that readers have left on her scripts...but she never has...

I liked a heart warming story as much as the next guy but...this really missed the boat.

Sick kid wants Jeeter card.

Dad can't find it.

By an incredible conincidence, Jeeter's friend just happened to be in the store...Jeeter shows up...tears all around. I mean....isn't that the kind of Deux Ex Machina that is generally frowned upon?  

It's like the Monty Pyhton gag " and suddenly , the animator suffered a fatal heart attack! The cartoon menace was no more!"

Bad writing.

I hate to bash a sick kid story, but this was so formula and unoriginal.  I agree with MikeP, it was bad writing.