Disappearance by Andrew O'Rourke (charles85) - Short - Three friends are having a good time on a rooftop until strange thing start to happen. 4 pages - pdf, format

You must be sort of new here at screen writing. First of all, I want to know if the author is here because I have a few things to discuss about this script.

1. Did you even read over this when you were finished? There were missing punctuation marks and uncapitalized letters at the beginning of sentences. I continued to get confused at where a question began and where it ended.

2. You have way too many run-on sentences (using a lot of 'and's) and there were some times where you didn't write descriptions for some things that were important. Such as Carl complaining about how he thinks something bit him. First of all, you don't say he jumps up or anything, and second, that was completely random. Is there a reason why something bit him?

3. When Sam ran off the roof, it reminded me of M. Night Shamylan's (however you spell his name) new movie THE HAPPENING where all the construction workers were just falling over the edge of the building.

4. The ending was weird. I didn't get it. So Carl went to the other building. That's why he disappeared, right? Why did he kill someone? Why did he turn off the light? Did he kill the Realtor? Why did Sam jump off the building? There are a lot of unanswered questions here that I think you should end up answering. This script is only 4 pages. There's nothing really to consider here.

So you need to filter this out. Proof-check your work. Work up on your dialogue--it's not filled out that well. Round out your characters, make this longer and answer the questions, and then we'll see how this turns out.

Sean

I understand all your points and I need to work on proofreading my work more. I just get excited when I finish it and I submit it right away. I need to do a lot of rewrites to this script to clear things up, why the character do what they do. In the rewrite it explains about the thing that bites carl.

Sorry, but this short made no sense at all. It's one thing to remain ambiguous and another to be downright incoherent. There were a lot of punctuation mistakes too.

On the bright side, the format was good and your dialogue wasn't too bad...it sounded like a real friend coversation. That's about all I can say for the positive, really.

I feel like I'm just repeating what Sean said, so I'll stop here--but I suggest more than a re-write--scrap it completely and start from scratch.

--Julio

You have a good idea here with a mysterious feel to it, but it fell off (pun intended) almost immediately. This needs a lot of polishing. I know the feeling of just wanting to get it out to see what other people think of it, but you need to buckle down and go over it a few times before you can get any solid feedback on your story.

Your character descriptions need some attention. I don't understand how someone who is balding can look 18 and you can't really show someone being the "funny one" in a group.

The punctuation and grammatical errors were incredibly distracting. I had a hard time following the story because of them.

Nothing really happens in this story. There are some very basic script and story elements that are missing from this. Give it another go and you'll get better responses.

James