Awaiting Heaven by Zack Akers - Short, Drama - A prisoner sees his upcoming execution as a ticket to heaven. - pdf, format

W/ the introduction of Sunny n the sadistic guard, i was a little worried that it was all 2 similar to the green Mile. But, no, it had n originality about it.

i rly liked it...well written n excecuted (was that a pun?) no.

Very good : )

I found it kind of eerie how Matthew was talking. He sounded like he really didn't have any emotion in him whatsoever. And I hated the Police Guard. He was an a**hole.

The ending I found a bit more comedic than dramatic, because first off, he steps on a rat, and he's freaking out over it. So I just imagine this guy on his knees talking to a smushed rat. I dunno, it's just kinda funny.

Good job with the genre and theme.

Sean

This stuck to the genre/theme and it was written well.  The story was a bit light, I would have liked to have known a bit more about this man – but it can be argued that you told us enough.  I liked the bit about the rat but it also had its humorous side.

Nicely done. It was a bit shorter than what I was looking for but I will give it an OPTION.

Lol.

I actually did like this one a lot.  I laughed.  A lot.  Not out of meanness or anything, but just because the situation was humorous.  God, I hope you were going for a laugh here.

The writing was really good here, too.  It had kind of a Coen Brothers feel to it, I think, and I even pictured Billy Bob Thornton in the role of Matthew, even though Matthew was only mid-20's.

Believe it or not, this drama script actually wins the light-hearted scripts of the day award in my eyes..  (I know there was meanness and death involved, but it still came off as cute, to me.)

- Mark

This was an odd one. It feels like a really dark Pixar short. I think the humor takes away from the drama, and drama was the point of this OWC, so it doesn't really succeed.

Bottom line: I didn't really care for it. I have to give a D+.

This was an odd one. It didn't really amount to anything for me. I was expecting something to happen, but nothing really did.

It could have been longer, a bit more with sunny, we are only introduced to him once, then the next time we see him he's dead. Get us to connect more with them so it could be more dramatic and not as comedic as some people found it.

The guard was too one dimensional, even for a short.

I liked it, but I was hoping for more.

I liked this piece.  I know someone mentioned that it didn't seem that Matthew had any emotion, but I think he had just enough.  Being that he's set on seeing God, in his eyes, why would he be anything other than relaxed?  I liked the direction this took when Sunny made an appearance.  I have a soft spot for animals in stories, so you won me over there.  

The irony in here is that the guy is obviously insane since a rat's talking to him, and it's his insanity that eventually has him "confess" to his wrongdoings at the end.  I liked how you showed that with him denying it in the beginning and then screaming "I KILLED HIM!" at the end, and of course everyone's perception is that he's admitting to it.

So yeah, this was a "cute" story.  I liked it.

Well, this felt more like a comedy to me than a drama piece. But it was good none the less. I liked how it sorta came full circle when you compare the beginning and the end. I didn't like the rat though, I mean, why does it talk? The Green Mile meets Ratatouille. Also the mean guard seemed very stereotypical. Other than that it was okay.

Is the rat’s mouth actually moving? I was with you but you’ve broken my flow with a talking rat. I just wasn't ready for it.

It feels unlikely that the guard would get drawn into the god discussion described so easily.

As per other comments when he killed the rat I was laughing, was I supposed to be laughing?

This is well done if a bit peculiar. I didn’t figure out whether you were going for comical or not but it made me think.

Philip

Haha.  This one is loopy.  It feels like it was dashed off pretty quickly, but I liked it more than I disliked it, I suppose.

The guard curses too much -- and in that scripted, absurd way, saying things that nobody would ever actually say.  I mean, a "...piece of p**** s***"?  C'mon.  You are trying too hard, and that detracted more than a bit.

And you take the Lord’s name in vain, not vein.  You got that wrong a couple of times.

And you would need to give Sunny a few more lines to make us care instead of chuckle.  I suspect a chuckle was your intent, but it is an easy laugh.  Caring would have been more impressive, and tougher to accomplish.

Not the worst, but not the best.

OWC Score: 70%

Poor Sunny...Tough to be a rat, and rat heaven is a wonderful place to be... Pg. 3 the Prison Guard is talking to Louis? Did he mean Matthew? Lord's name in vain...I liked Sunny the Best; the Prison Guard and Born Again Matthew seemed very sterotypical to me, almost cartoonish in thier extremes...It might have been more fun to have Matthew really get furious with rage at the Guard's using the Lords name in Vain...But, it was in a prison cell and it did have drama and an unfortunate ending for a small furry rodent...(Which, rats are really fast and they would have to be really stupid to let themselves get stepped on)

Yes, this reminded me of the beginning of Elf when Buddy says goodbye to the penguin and the narwhal. I LOLed. And as far as the cursing, there are some people who curse that way where it doesn't make any sense, they just try to throw in as many expletives as possible. Like Adam Sandler CDs.

Anyway, I didn't really get this one but the squish was awesome.

James

I'm so sorry but i laughed my A** off at sunny. Dont know whether or not it was meant to be intentional... but i laughed.

I sort of think it was intentional . I hope so. Anyway, i'm gonna echo what everyone else said, because theres nothing new i can add. Good job i guess.

And i feel for sunny.

RIP. Sunny.

He Lived a good life.

All right, well this was a pretty cool read. It was short and to the point, although I’m not sure how well it fits into the genre/theme. You’ve got the prison cell thing working for you, no problem, but this didn’t seem very dramatic. Was more like a comedy.

Good formatting and spelling/grammar stuff, and you had an interesting idea with the man/rat relationship. Kind of reminded me of The Green Mile. Overall, the script is good for what it is, but I think you could’ve tried to amp up the drama a little more. Still, it was a fast and pretty enjoyable read. Good work.


Matt.