P.P.L.F. by Michael Cornetto - Short, Drama - How far will society go in order to “rehabilitate” the increasing prison population? And what will become of those who abuse their positions of authority?  - pdf, format

I really don't know what to write? It started off really good, intriguing. Hopefully people stuck with it. The jump cut in the mess worke good, even if i had to re-read that part to make sure i understood.

SPOILERS

The control scene seemed to be going on for a while with nothing for the Warden and VIP. Even if that's how it would happen (i know that whole conversation wouldn't take place there but it didn't bother me) they need some more to do.

Then the script... I'm not sure what it did. I get how the warden was renting out people's brains and everyone else was part of some liberation group but honestly, from about page 10 on, I have no idea what was going on. Maybe it flew over my head. Maybe I missed something. Here I'm thinking it's maybe a comment on the stuff we fill the unused portion of our brains with, what with the old TV show characters. But no, it seems that Lucille Ball is actually there, all the way through the end scene. I just... I... well I'd be really interested in hearing the author's comments in a few weeks.

Good show?

Damn it.  I was hoping to copy off what other people have said so I looked like I knew what I was talking about.

Luckily, someone else didn't know what happened, either, so now I don't feel so bad.

It did start off really good, and even the writing was good, and then...  I got extremely lost.  I even followed the cut in the mess hall and that really intrigued me, and then it got... well... I don't know.

And if you're spelling out the letters to what people are saying, shouldn't this be called 'Pee, Pee, Ell, Eff'?

I'm thinking you went off on an indecipherable tangent on purpose, just to mess with us.  Am I right?  I know this was done by a good writer.

You're right, Tim, (Souter), I can't wait for the explanation to this one.

I had to stop reading this one. The beginning was good until the Jump Cut happened. That's when I got confused. I kept reading after that until page 11, then I stopped. I had no idea what was happening and the scene in the control room went on and on and I just got more and more confused.

All I know is that the prisoners are possibly robots and that the VIP and other people in the control room are characters from old TV shows??





Uh, what?

This has to be done by an everyday Simply Scripter. I can feel it.

Sean

Wow... I'm not sure how I feel about this one.

Great writing, but I guess I'm just too dumb to understand.

This was weird, but good weird - I like it.

First of all, I see no formatting problems and I like the writing style quite a bit. An experienced writer submitted this no doubt (who's a foreigner too, foreign to the U.S., that is - re: colour rather than color)


Ooh, ooh, I get it!

*SPOILERS*







The story is set in what is essentially a "Matrix Prison", where prisoners are hooked up to computers that give them a false sense of reality, which fits each prisoners crime, while the computers use the prisoners brains for data processing...or something like that.

Cool stuff, one of my favorites of the scripts released thus far. My grade: A

  This one was interesting. It started out rough, more so with the descriptions than the dialog but then evened out and was less trouble to read. The Idea was good and could definitely benefit from being expanded into a longer version.

This is really good. I'd have this at the top of the list at the moment. It goes through the looking glass once or twice too many times for a script this length but stretched out a bit it would be great.

You need to get away from the Matrix parallels unless they are deliberate.

The X rated dialog is entertaining but unfortunately unnecessary.

I don’t understand what Dom and Dee are? Did I miss a TV show everyone else has seen?

Philip

I think this one's my fav so far. It's inventive and the writing is sharp.

I was a little skeptical when I saw you used the term "jump cut" but this may be the first script I've read that actually uses it right. It's suppose to be a jarring error.

Apoplectic? good word..there's a few other gems, the writer either has an awesome vocab or a handy thesaurus =)

Ok, a few nit picky notes:

The references to lens flares I think could just be written as flares or light flares. It's too close to camera directions but that's just my opinion. If you leave it, it doesn't take anything away.

on page 3(?), Alan says "I though you weren't", did you mean "I thought you weren't"?

Wrylies get their own lines.

At the end of page 5, organization is spelled wrong in the last dialogue.

here's a real nit picky one but on page 6 someone says "100%" and technically in dialogue all numbers should spelled out but it's not the end of the world.

On page 8, at the end of a paragraph you add the sentence: "How curious."..I'd lose this, unfilmable line.

lastly on page 10, Dom asks "Now what do we do" but you're missing a question mark.

Sorry to pick it apart but after a rewrite, this will be solid. awesome job. loved the ending especially the tropicana flash.

Ok I really didn't get this on the first read but after looking at some comments I thought I'd give it another go.

Really, really like it now. Very imaginative and just very very readable. Don't really know if it is so much a drama though.


*****POSSIBLE SPOILERS*****
Think I've figured most of it out. The whole VIP and Warden scene in the control room is the wardens punishment that is getting looped 100 times at the end?

The dream at the start is Lucy trying to hack the system? Being dragged down by purple and all that.

The jelly is the actual bug that Lucy has put into the system?

I think I probably missed a few things cos I've never been a fan of cheesy TV shows and I think that's maybe why I didn't get the final page. I've got no idea what's going on on page 12. but I don't think that's a bad thing.

Well done to the writer for a job well done!

The leading (space between the lines) seems off, too tight and hard to read...Conceptually, it was the Matrix with some other elements thrown in... I liked the intial scenes where Alan was buying the shiv from George, but got lost when the whole sci-fi grape jelly thing unfolded...Suspect English isn't your first language, so I'm not gonna harp too much on that...More Sci Fi than Prison Drama...If we had more development of the individual prisoners, the sudden switch into TV land could have been really funny... As it is, I think it tries to do too much in too small a script...

George sure likes the F word. Anyway, i think this is probably the most original i've read so far.

I had to reread but that was only becuase i wasn't sure what i was getting myself into. I think you need to chagne your logline, maybe it doesn't do this story justice.

Anyway, i think you try to fit too much in this short. Maybe this is a blue print for something much bigger and better. I'd lvoe to see it expanded.

Wow, this is quite a creative endeavor. And you might be winning the award for most F-Bombs dropped in 2 pages.

When George is introduced how would you film someone seeming fatherly?

I didn't really get it until Lucy explained the whole thing on page 11. Very original, I was glued to this one.

James

I really enjoyed this one. Pretty well-written with some good dialogue and some nice ideas that were delivered upon. The ending kind of had me scratching my head, but I’ve decided that that is a good thing.

You’ve already gotten a heap of reviews with suggestions and what not, so I’ll just say I thought this was really well done. Good ideas, good follow through, and pretty f****d up overall. Well done.


Matt.

I am a fairly careful reader, and I pay attention, and for the most part I enjoyed this riff on the Matrix.  I found it exceptionally well-crafted -- to a point.

But somewhere between the oddly-labeled grape jelly and babaloo, I lost the thread of this story.  I am not even sure when I lost track, but by the end, I knew I had missed the point.

One source of confusion for sure is the character of Lucy.  I did not understand if she was a character unique to this story, or Lucille Ball, or both at different times.  Perhaps a different name for her would have helped, unless that specific name is necessary to the story somehow, but I really have no idea.

High marks for an engaging story, but diminished by a lack of clarity.  I know the kernel of great story is in there somewhere, but you failed to make it pop on the first reading, and when there are 30+ prison scripts floating about, you only get one shot to make yourself heard.

OWC Score: 80%