The Gun and The Gunman by Michael K. Snyder - Short, Action, Fantasy - A story that follows a man who kills in the name of God. Raised by a nun, taught by a divine messenger, he must overcome his town's most ruthless villains in hopes of saving all humanity. The Second Coming is upon us… 66 pages - pdf, format

I did not care for this at all. The dialouge was very weak and wasn't consistent with the characters. It was a very slow read and all of the flashbacks just made thing that much more confusing. Your attempt at a deep, meaningful story completely missed the mark and basically made no sense at all. Parts of your script seemed like they were thought up after you finished playing a hitman video game. The whole thing about Spencer not having a name was quite silly as well. He's raised by a nun from an infant and she never names him? The whole thing just did not work.

I think I'm with Pants on this one. Much of the dialogue made an attempt at being profound, but ended up sounding a tad too cheesy. Such as "Irony is life" or "an angel arrives at many doorsteps." Also, much of the scene description is repetitive: on page one, for example, you mention at least twice that Spencer turns the cold water on. Make sure that you don't repeat yourself too many times. It throws off the reader.

The bullet shattering the mirror in the first scene was illogical. How could such a thing happen with Spencer leaving unscathed, unless of course you've thrown logic to the wind in preference to action and shock?

In the slugline "EXT.ST.MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL CHURCH-WARNER ROBBINS-NIGHT-RAIN," you can keep the RAIN detail out of it, especially seeing as how you follow the line up with a scene description reading "The rain pours down outside the church." Also, because you have made the slug line an EXT. of the church, you don't have to say things like "outside the church." That's what sluglines are for, to cut away the extra words that reaffirm the scene setting.

With the slugline " INT.ST.MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL CHURCH-WARNER ROBBINS-NIGHT-RAIN," a few things can be changed to make it shorter. First, there's no need to spell out ST. MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL CHURCH again. After the first time, you've told us the official title, and can now shorten it to ST. MICHAEL'S, or ST. MICHAEL CHURCH, just as easily. Also, "WARNER ROBBINS" is unnecessary as well. Again, you established the town with the last slug line. After that, it is an assumption the reader naturally makes. With the NIGHT, you either can get rid of it completely, or replace it with the word CONTINUOUS. Either way, we understand that this scene follows right the behind the last. And finally, the RAIN detail is, again, even more so than before, completely unnecessary. Get rid of it, and you could turn:

INT. ST.MICHAEL THE ARCHANGEL CHURCH-WARNER ROBBINS-NIGHT-RAIN

into

INT. ST. MICHAEL'S - CONTINUOUS

See, so much more tidy and easier to grasp. The slugline should not be as long as the scene descriptions.

{I SHALL EDIT AS I CONTINUE READING}

I glanced at this, and found myself growing irritated at the first few pages.

You need to think about how this stuff plays out on the screen, not on paper.

So, your guy is shaving.  Not just a little.  He shaves until he is done.  Then he goes off-screen, and returns moments later dressed in black pants, a buttoned shirt, and a tied tie.  That will look like a magic act.  That, or we will have about two minutes of empty screen.

But wait -- then he puts on a sock.  Then another sock.  Then both shoes.  Auggh!  

Then -- finally -- a gunshot.

Do you get where I am going here?  The first five minutes of this film have been ungodly dull and told us nothing at all about our character.  Two big flaws in one.

So, you have the guy shaving in a towel, right?  Why not have your gunshot then?  BANG!  Then he has to dive for his gun and have a gunfight -- in his towel.

And things are moving right from the get-go.  More action.  Much better to me, anyway.  I might look at more of this if you are actually around.

Quoted from bert   I might look at more of this if you are actually around.

Don't bother.

Quoted from Pants Don't bother.

What is that supposed to mean?

The script isn't worth it or you know the writer isn't around?

Just curious...

Quoted from Grandma Bear What is that supposed to mean? The script isn't worth it or you know the writer isn't around? Just curious...

The script isn't worth it. If Bert was that annoyed with the first few pages, he'll just get more annoyed. That's all. I have no clue if the author is around or not.

Yes I am around indeed.

I'm sorry you guys didnt care much for the script but I am open to all opinions.

As far as the first five minutes of the film being dull, I take it you don't care for Sergio Leone's Once Upon a Time In The West which just so happens to be a masterpiece...

Thanks Again!

-Mike

Quoted from MSnyder As far as the first five minutes of the film being dull, I take it you don't care for Sergio Leone's Once Upon a Time In The West which just so happens to be a masterpiece...

Haha -- whatever, man.  It's been years, but I seem to recall that film opened with a kick-ass shoot-out at a train station -- and one dude who was so fast he trapped a fly in his gun barrel.  Yeah, good stuff.

I don't recall anybody putting on their pants, then a shirt, then a tie, then socks, and then shoes, though.

But maybe my memory is fuzzy.  Good luck with the script.

Quoted from MSnyder Yes I am around indeed. I'm sorry you guys didnt care much for the script but I am open to all opinions. As far as the first five minutes of the film being dull, I take it you don't care for Sergio Leone's Once Upon a Time In The West which just so happens to be a masterpiece... Thanks Again! -Mike

See, funny thing about that is, some men (and women) can pull it off, and some can't. Sorry, buddy, but this script needs some oomph if you're going to consider producing it (or having it produced, for that matter). Just because Sergio Leone could pull it off, doesn't give you credit enough to do it yourself.

I think what Bert was trying to say is that you went WAY too much into detail (and yet, were extremely vague at the same time) in such miniscule actions. Like I said, let's make like Sergio Leone and breath some life into this thing.