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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Comedy Scripts  ›  Room For Rent Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 22nd, 2008, 10:04pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Room For Rent by Troy Rhaburtz - Comedy - As some know, but most don't, when 20-somethings guys get together and drink, the first to pass out is fair game to be messed with by the others. Two room mates, Scott and Nick decide that while their other room mate, Kyle is passed out, it would be a good idea to wrap him in duct tape to look like a mummy. All the noise and commotion created by Nick and Scott did not wake Kyle up, because Kyle is really dead. Now, the two of them must juggle a screwed up work environment with alcoholic owners, their disapproving friends and relationships all whilst finding a new room mate.110 pages - pdf, format


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Pants
Posted: April 23rd, 2008, 2:28pm Report to Moderator
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Overall, this is a very funny script. I actually laughed out loud a few times. Some minor grammatical things, but nothing an edit couldn't fix. Some of the opening scenes seemed a little rushed, and I think some of the characters need to be developed a bit more. This would add to your script, but you could cut some things too. Like that scene at the supper club bar with Craig and Scott. I'm looking forward to the rewrite.
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thrilldealer
Posted: May 21st, 2008, 8:59pm Report to Moderator
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This script is great! enjoyed readin all the 111 pages of it. And you definitely have a killer opening. so hilarious man  hahahah. Funny and entertaining.

I think the one thing it needs is a sense of direction. Like have the characters want to accomplish something. I thing you used Nick not wanting to get fired, and them wanting to get a roomate for this, but I feel like it just needs something else...something that we really look forward to. That's just my 2 cents.  
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Toby_E
Posted: May 31st, 2008, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent script mate. I am currently on page 36 (I'm going to meet some mates at a bar, so I will finish reading it tomorrow if I get a chance!) and I mean totally great. It reminded me of Superbad, for 23 year olds...

There were some excellent one liners in this though... I loved the out-dated boxer line... that actually made me laugh-out-loud! I loved the flash-back scenes as well... There is too much for me to quote, keep this up!

I know I am only about 1/3 of the way through, but I can tell you that this would definatly be a film that I would pay to see. Definatly reminds me of a Judd Apatow comedy, which is good, as two of his current produced films ('Knocked Up' and 'Superbad') are in my top 5 comedies of all times!

I do agree with what was said above me... there were some grammatical issues (such as no punctuation, or incorrect punctuation at the end of sentences). Also, there are a few characters which at the moment (I am aware I am only a 1/3 of the way through the script right now) who seem a bit too random... and don't have enough development (some of the down-and-outs at the bar). If there are crucial to the plot, give them a bit more development.

But apart from that, this was an excellent read mate. Keep it up!


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